DEAR ABBY: I am writing out of concern for my husband "Marc's" 9-year-old daughter, "Rachel." She visits us every other weekend. The rest of the time she lives with her mother in the next town.

Rachel is extremely overweight. We've watched her put on 20 more pounds this summer. Friends and family members, with the exception of Rachel's mother, have also become concerned about her weight problem.

Marc and I are both health-conscious. We make every effort to eat properly and live a healthy lifestyle. When Rachel is in our home, we make sure she eats well-balanced meals, and we never bring junk food into our home. Our problem is, Rachel's mother sees nothing wrong with her daughter bringing along a supply of fattening snacks when she comes to stay.

Time after time, Marc has tried to talk to his ex-wife about this problem. She refuses even to acknowledge that there is one! We're very concerned. We want Rachel to develop healthy habits, and we're worried that the teasing will be even worse when she begins fourth grade in the fall. Any advice you can offer would be appreciated. -- WORRIED ABOUT OUR GIRL IN TEXAS

DEAR WORRIED: I'm assuming Marc's daughter has a pediatrician. If she doesn't, she should. As Rachel's father, Marc has the obligation to inform her physician about his daughter's weight gain and eating habits.

Perhaps the mother will be more receptive to supervising her daughter's diet when she hears from a doctor that her daughter is headed for trouble. If not, Marc should talk to his lawyer.

DEAR ABBY: "Anxious Daughter in New England" wrote that she had just discovered that her mother -- who is terminally ill with only weeks to live -- had placed a baby for adoption many years ago. She said that she felt an "urgent need" to locate that child before her mother dies, so they could meet. She said that her mother has periods of confusion but is lucid "some of the time," and family members are divided about whether a reunion would be good for her. "Daughter" asked for your opinion.

You advised her to "let go of the fantasy." What an insensitive response! I cannot fathom why you would respond that way to someone who is trying to give her mother closure.

Granted, she should consult the doctor regarding the possible consequences. But even if it isn't a good idea for the mother to have this, it IS important for that woman to know her sibling.

Please choose your responses with a more sensitive outlook, especially with such an emotional issue. -- PRESIDENT OF THE NEW YORK STATEWIDE ADOPTION REFORM

DEAR PRESIDENT: I am not against a reunion of the siblings. My concern was literally for the life of the mother -- the shock could kill the poor woman. It's significant that when the writer's mother was well, she had NOT expressed a desire to find the "secret" child she had placed for adoption. That's why I said, "Let go of the fantasy." While the majority of reunions are happy ones, I hear from people who tell me that not all are. I'm sorry if you and others were offended.

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DEAR ABBY: Last night, after we had been engaged for three months, my fiance, "Blake," informed me that he owes $25,000 to creditors. He said part of that debt is because he bought and sold a condo (at a loss) six years ago -- and he felt he needed a nicer car after we met. What concerns me, in addition to his huge debt, is that he gave me an $8,000 engagement ring.

Blake is pressuring me to get married, but I am having second thoughts. Will I be responsible for his debts if we are married? Should I marry him, or should I wait until he pays off his creditors? -- FEELING INSECURE IN TORONTO

DEAR FEELING INSECURE: Your concerns are valid. Your fiance appears to be romantic, but not very practical when it comes to financial matters. Before the engagement goes any further, I urge you to consult an attorney who can explain any possible obligations you will -- or will not -- assume by marrying him. Please don't wait. It will be money wisely spent.

DEAR ABBY: I am 80 years old and all alone. Cancer took my wife 11 years ago. I am still healthy and in control of my affairs. I have been trying to carry on without my wife, but there isn't much to live for. I just returned from putting my truck in the garage, and I hated coming back into my empty house.

I wish that every human being in the world could be as lonesome as I am tonight. If this were true, there would never be another war, or killing, or robbery, or any form of deceit. I feel certain that everyone would say, "I am satisfied with what I have, because I never want to be as sad or as lonesome as that old man." -- LONESOME IN TEXAS

DEAR LONESOME: I'm glad you wrote to me because 11 years is too long to be alone and grieving. Since you are of sound mind and body, it's time to re-enter society -- and by that I mean put yourself in situations where you can help your fellow man, meet new people and have some fun.

Volunteering is a wonderful way to start. Call your local hospital, library, museum or senior center, and see what openings are available. It will be a way to do something worthwhile for your community and the beginning of a new life for you. Trust me.

DEAR ABBY: I recently met "Shelly," the girl of my dreams. She is everything I ever wanted in a girlfriend and more. This is the greatest relationship I have ever had in my life -- and she feels the same.

Shelly is leaving for college in September and I still have one more year of high school. I know in my heart it will never work with me here and Shelly there -- but I am not ready to lose the love of my life.

Abby, please give me some advice. I know my heart is going to break when Shelly leaves. -- LOVESTRUCK IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR LOVESTRUCK: I hope Shelly has a wonderful freshman year in college -- and that you have an exciting senior year in high school. Over the years I have heard from many teens in your situation. They have maintained their friendships by staying in contact through phone calls, writing letters and e-mails. What they haven't done is demand an exclusive relationship.

Now is the time for both of you to develop new friendships with people of both genders. Exclusivity ties you down and is not fair to either of you. When you develop new interests, you will have that much more to share when you do get together.

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DEAR ABBY: I was divorced last September and granted custody of my 3-year-old daughter. My husband and I separated soon after her birth.

While I was separated, I became friendly with an attractive co-worker I'll call "Martin." The attraction was mutual. Since I didn't announce my separation to anyone at work, Martin was unaware of it. I figured that when my divorce was final, I'd let him know and let the chips fall where they may.

A month before the divorce was granted, Martin announced that he was taking a year's sabbatical from work to enter the seminary to explore the possibility of becoming a Catholic priest. We have stayed in touch since his departure, but I still haven't mentioned the divorce.

I'm lucky to have a good job, a close family and many good friends. I enjoy spending my free time with my daughter and despite numerous offers, I don't feel the need to date. Still, I think about Martin all the time. Should I casually mention my divorce to him the next time we speak? Or should I wait to see if he chooses on his own to leave the seminary? I don't want to confuse him. Please help. -- CONFUSED IN NEW YORK

DEAR CONFUSED: I see no reason not to tell Martin the truth about your marital status. If his calling is so fragile and tenuous that he would deviate from his commitment to the church, then he doesn't have what it takes to be a priest. Joining a religious order has many rewards -- but it also requires obvious sacrifices.

It might help you to go on with your life once you understand what Martin wants to do with his. Please do not feel rejected if he chooses the priesthood. There's no reason why you can't remain friends.

DEAR ABBY: Last fall, I put a little "I love you" note in my husband, "Barry's," wallet (as I do from time to time), and was horrified to find a perfume-scented love note from one of his female co-workers.

When I confronted Barry, at first he denied the note was for him -- then he eventually came clean. All he'd admit is that he kissed her -- once.

Abby, I know him too well to believe that. When Barry was married to his former wife he had multiple affairs, but since we've been together he claims to be a "changed man." Now I'm not so sure.

We both agreed to work on our relationship. Barry has since left his job and taken another. However, there's still a real distance between us. We no longer share the same bed. I know he's worried that I'm going to kick him out. I'm the primary wage-earner in our family and I know he can't afford to live on his own.

I need guidance. I feel as though our marriage is over. I haven't worn my wedding rings since Barry admitted to "the kiss" with that woman. Am I being too harsh? -- WIFE OF A KISSER IN ABILENE, TEXAS

DEAR WIFE: Perhaps. After all, your husband did change jobs, which would put temptation at a distance.

I'll chant the old mantra: marriage counseling. It will help you both decide if this marriage is worth saving -- and if you can trust him not to fall back into his old habits.

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