DEAR ABBY: I was divorced last September and granted custody of my 3-year-old daughter. My husband and I separated soon after her birth.

While I was separated, I became friendly with an attractive co-worker I'll call "Martin." The attraction was mutual. Since I didn't announce my separation to anyone at work, Martin was unaware of it. I figured that when my divorce was final, I'd let him know and let the chips fall where they may.

A month before the divorce was granted, Martin announced that he was taking a year's sabbatical from work to enter the seminary to explore the possibility of becoming a Catholic priest. We have stayed in touch since his departure, but I still haven't mentioned the divorce.

I'm lucky to have a good job, a close family and many good friends. I enjoy spending my free time with my daughter and despite numerous offers, I don't feel the need to date. Still, I think about Martin all the time. Should I casually mention my divorce to him the next time we speak? Or should I wait to see if he chooses on his own to leave the seminary? I don't want to confuse him. Please help. -- CONFUSED IN NEW YORK

DEAR CONFUSED: I see no reason not to tell Martin the truth about your marital status. If his calling is so fragile and tenuous that he would deviate from his commitment to the church, then he doesn't have what it takes to be a priest. Joining a religious order has many rewards -- but it also requires obvious sacrifices.

It might help you to go on with your life once you understand what Martin wants to do with his. Please do not feel rejected if he chooses the priesthood. There's no reason why you can't remain friends.

DEAR ABBY: Last fall, I put a little "I love you" note in my husband, "Barry's," wallet (as I do from time to time), and was horrified to find a perfume-scented love note from one of his female co-workers.

When I confronted Barry, at first he denied the note was for him -- then he eventually came clean. All he'd admit is that he kissed her -- once.

Abby, I know him too well to believe that. When Barry was married to his former wife he had multiple affairs, but since we've been together he claims to be a "changed man." Now I'm not so sure.

We both agreed to work on our relationship. Barry has since left his job and taken another. However, there's still a real distance between us. We no longer share the same bed. I know he's worried that I'm going to kick him out. I'm the primary wage-earner in our family and I know he can't afford to live on his own.

I need guidance. I feel as though our marriage is over. I haven't worn my wedding rings since Barry admitted to "the kiss" with that woman. Am I being too harsh? -- WIFE OF A KISSER IN ABILENE, TEXAS

DEAR WIFE: Perhaps. After all, your husband did change jobs, which would put temptation at a distance.

I'll chant the old mantra: marriage counseling. It will help you both decide if this marriage is worth saving -- and if you can trust him not to fall back into his old habits.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jerry," and I have been married for 10 years. Nine months ago, he had an affair and moved in with the woman. During the time Jerry and I were separated -- and he had filed for divorce -- I met a man and slept with him.

Two months later, Jerry came to his senses and realized life wasn't greener on the other side of the fence. He begged for forgiveness and came home professing his love for me and our children.

Abby, I love my husband with all my heart or I wouldn't have taken him back. I am not proud of sleeping with another man, and as a matter of fact, I had blocked it from my memory because I felt so ashamed. My problem is, when Jerry found out about the other man he freaked out and ever since then he accuses me of having affairs with many men. He continuously recounts "my indiscretion," forgetting what led up to it.

Jerry scrutinizes my cell phone bills and calls unfamiliar numbers to find out who I'm talking to. It is driving me crazy. We both agree we want to be together, but I can't take his accusations any longer. Help! -- IN LOVE, BUT IN AGONY

DEAR IN LOVE, BUT: Tell "Jerry the reformed" that unless he agrees to marriage counseling, he will have to move out. His behavior proves the truth of the old saying, "A man never looks behind the bedroom door unless he has stood there himself."

Unless your husband can overcome his "convenient amnesia" and is willing for both of you to make a fresh start, his guilt, suspicion and inability to forgive will destroy your marriage.

DEAR ABBY: Several times over the past month while I was dropping off or picking up my son from preschool, I observed a mother of one of the other preschoolers leaving her infant alone in her vehicle with the engine running while she went inside the school to retrieve her other child. At times, the woman was away from her van for at least five minutes.

Rather than confront the mother with my concern, I stopped by our local police department to ask if there are any laws against this. I was hoping an information flier was available that I could share with her, but there was not. An officer asked me to describe the woman's vehicle and the approximate time of day she came to the school.

Evidently, the police officer mentioned to the mother that "another mother" had notified them about her. Now she and several other parents in our preschool are upset. A friend in whom I confided that the "other mother" was me, told me I should have minded my own business! (She, too, has been guilty of leaving her little ones in her parked car with the engine running.)

Did I go about this all wrong, Abby? -- SAFETY-CONSCIOUS IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SAFETY-CONSCIOUS MOM: It would have been better to have spoken directly to the woman, or to the principal of the school. Adults should NEVER leave children alone in a vehicle with the engine running. What that mother did was child endangerment. Carjackers, as well as a child accidentally putting a vehicle into gear, are very real dangers.

Take comfort in the fact that although the mother reacted defensively, you may have saved her child's life. That woman was lucky. Other parents have not been so fortunate.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Two weeks ago, I went to a party with "Brady," my live-in boyfriend of five years. To make a long story short, I had too much to drink. Brady took me home and put me to bed so I could "sleep it off." I remembered nothing the next morning.

A few days later, I ran across an unfamiliar videotape and popped it into the VCR. I couldn't believe my eyes! It was Brady and me having sex the night I was so "out of it." When I confronted him, he said he had always wanted to document our love-making. Then he apologized. I made Brady promise to destroy the tape.

I feel angry, hurt and violated! I can hardly look my boyfriend in the eye right now. Am I making too much of this? -- NOT INTO PORNO IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR NOT INTO PORNO: Not at all. What Brady did was indeed a violation. I urge you to make absolutely certain that the tape has been destroyed and there are no other copies. And if I were you, I'd reconsider a relationship with a man who appears to regard you as a sex "object" rather than a person.

P.S.: Drinking and blacking out are signs of alcoholism. Please get the help you need to stop now.

DEAR ABBY: "Trying to Keep the Peace in the Pacific Northwest" wants a simple wedding, but doesn't want to alienate his or his fiancee's large families.

I have seven sisters, a brother, several stepparents, a huge extended family and a large circle of friends. (And that is just on MY side!) My fiance and I could not afford a big wedding or a fancy reception, so here's how we handled it:

We made a list of what was really important to us. I love lots of fresh flowers, so that was put on the "splurge" list. My fiance enjoys good champagne. Everything else we either made or asked friends to help with.

My mom made my dress; a friend who was handy with a camera took the photos; we were married in the garden of my ex-roommate's large home; my husband made his own D.J. tapes by recording songs off the radio; and I asked each of my female friends to bring a plate of hors d'oeuvres. Everyone knew our financial situation. No one was offended. On the contrary, we were told repeatedly how happy they were to contribute.

One hundred and fifty people attended our wedding and everyone agreed it was one of the best times they ever had. The cost? $1,500.

Twenty-one years later, we are still madly in love and have not changed our priorities. Ironically, we have friends who were still paying off their wedding debt while ironing out their divorce settlements.

"Trying" is a wise young man whose priorities are in order. No one should be pressured into spending what he or she doesn't have to begin with. -- HAPPY IN HUNTINGTON BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR HAPPY: I agree. To go into debt to fund a wedding is, in my opinion, foolish and unnecessary. Books have been written about how to plan a wedding on a budget, and they are available in libraries and bookstores. A wedding does not have to be expensive to be beautiful, memorable and a happy occasion for all concerned. Your wedding is proof.

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