DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Jerry," and I have been married for 10 years. Nine months ago, he had an affair and moved in with the woman. During the time Jerry and I were separated -- and he had filed for divorce -- I met a man and slept with him.

Two months later, Jerry came to his senses and realized life wasn't greener on the other side of the fence. He begged for forgiveness and came home professing his love for me and our children.

Abby, I love my husband with all my heart or I wouldn't have taken him back. I am not proud of sleeping with another man, and as a matter of fact, I had blocked it from my memory because I felt so ashamed. My problem is, when Jerry found out about the other man he freaked out and ever since then he accuses me of having affairs with many men. He continuously recounts "my indiscretion," forgetting what led up to it.

Jerry scrutinizes my cell phone bills and calls unfamiliar numbers to find out who I'm talking to. It is driving me crazy. We both agree we want to be together, but I can't take his accusations any longer. Help! -- IN LOVE, BUT IN AGONY

DEAR IN LOVE, BUT: Tell "Jerry the reformed" that unless he agrees to marriage counseling, he will have to move out. His behavior proves the truth of the old saying, "A man never looks behind the bedroom door unless he has stood there himself."

Unless your husband can overcome his "convenient amnesia" and is willing for both of you to make a fresh start, his guilt, suspicion and inability to forgive will destroy your marriage.

DEAR ABBY: Several times over the past month while I was dropping off or picking up my son from preschool, I observed a mother of one of the other preschoolers leaving her infant alone in her vehicle with the engine running while she went inside the school to retrieve her other child. At times, the woman was away from her van for at least five minutes.

Rather than confront the mother with my concern, I stopped by our local police department to ask if there are any laws against this. I was hoping an information flier was available that I could share with her, but there was not. An officer asked me to describe the woman's vehicle and the approximate time of day she came to the school.

Evidently, the police officer mentioned to the mother that "another mother" had notified them about her. Now she and several other parents in our preschool are upset. A friend in whom I confided that the "other mother" was me, told me I should have minded my own business! (She, too, has been guilty of leaving her little ones in her parked car with the engine running.)

Did I go about this all wrong, Abby? -- SAFETY-CONSCIOUS IN NORTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SAFETY-CONSCIOUS MOM: It would have been better to have spoken directly to the woman, or to the principal of the school. Adults should NEVER leave children alone in a vehicle with the engine running. What that mother did was child endangerment. Carjackers, as well as a child accidentally putting a vehicle into gear, are very real dangers.

Take comfort in the fact that although the mother reacted defensively, you may have saved her child's life. That woman was lucky. Other parents have not been so fortunate.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Two weeks ago, I went to a party with "Brady," my live-in boyfriend of five years. To make a long story short, I had too much to drink. Brady took me home and put me to bed so I could "sleep it off." I remembered nothing the next morning.

A few days later, I ran across an unfamiliar videotape and popped it into the VCR. I couldn't believe my eyes! It was Brady and me having sex the night I was so "out of it." When I confronted him, he said he had always wanted to document our love-making. Then he apologized. I made Brady promise to destroy the tape.

I feel angry, hurt and violated! I can hardly look my boyfriend in the eye right now. Am I making too much of this? -- NOT INTO PORNO IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR NOT INTO PORNO: Not at all. What Brady did was indeed a violation. I urge you to make absolutely certain that the tape has been destroyed and there are no other copies. And if I were you, I'd reconsider a relationship with a man who appears to regard you as a sex "object" rather than a person.

P.S.: Drinking and blacking out are signs of alcoholism. Please get the help you need to stop now.

DEAR ABBY: "Trying to Keep the Peace in the Pacific Northwest" wants a simple wedding, but doesn't want to alienate his or his fiancee's large families.

I have seven sisters, a brother, several stepparents, a huge extended family and a large circle of friends. (And that is just on MY side!) My fiance and I could not afford a big wedding or a fancy reception, so here's how we handled it:

We made a list of what was really important to us. I love lots of fresh flowers, so that was put on the "splurge" list. My fiance enjoys good champagne. Everything else we either made or asked friends to help with.

My mom made my dress; a friend who was handy with a camera took the photos; we were married in the garden of my ex-roommate's large home; my husband made his own D.J. tapes by recording songs off the radio; and I asked each of my female friends to bring a plate of hors d'oeuvres. Everyone knew our financial situation. No one was offended. On the contrary, we were told repeatedly how happy they were to contribute.

One hundred and fifty people attended our wedding and everyone agreed it was one of the best times they ever had. The cost? $1,500.

Twenty-one years later, we are still madly in love and have not changed our priorities. Ironically, we have friends who were still paying off their wedding debt while ironing out their divorce settlements.

"Trying" is a wise young man whose priorities are in order. No one should be pressured into spending what he or she doesn't have to begin with. -- HAPPY IN HUNTINGTON BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR HAPPY: I agree. To go into debt to fund a wedding is, in my opinion, foolish and unnecessary. Books have been written about how to plan a wedding on a budget, and they are available in libraries and bookstores. A wedding does not have to be expensive to be beautiful, memorable and a happy occasion for all concerned. Your wedding is proof.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I started a new job eight months ago. A handsome guy works there, and I waited five months before I asked him out. Since then, we go out to lunch together three days a week and eat in the office the other days. He calls me at home in the morning to see if I want him to bring me a cup of coffee to work. He also shares his thoughts and feelings with me. I like him a lot.

Last Saturday night, I arrived at his apartment and he had candles lit, wine chilled, and served cheese and crackers. It was very romantic. We ate and drank and had a wonderful conversation. A little later, he went to lie on his bed and watch TV. He invited me to lie next to him -- and I did. (Mind you, we have never kissed or anything.) When I reached out to hold his hand, he immediately got up and went to the bathroom. Then he came out with a blanket, walked to the couch, covered himself and went to sleep. I invited him to sleep next to me on his bed -- but he refused. I went home.

I think he's really nice, cute, smart and sweet. Am I rushing things, or do you think he just wants to be friends? (I wouldn't mind being a friend -- with benefits.) What do you make of this situation? -- CONFUSED GAL IN GALVESTON, TEXAS

DEAR CONFUSED: I think you are already "friends." Forget the benefits. Your romance has gone as far as it is going to go.

DEAR ABBY: "Miserable Mom in Tucson," the single mother of two adult sons who ignored her on Mother's Day, reminded me of a similar situation I had to deal with.

About 10 years ago, on both Easter and Mother's Day, I heard nothing from my married son who lives out of state. When my birthday rolled around and he again failed to contact me, I sent his wife a sympathy card. On it, I wrote, "Why didn't you tell me my son had died? I would have come to the funeral!"

Two days later, I got a phone call and a heartfelt apology from my son. Ever since, he has never failed to call me on a regular basis. Sign me ... MOTHER OF INVENTION IN VIRGINIA

DEAR MOTHER: Not only are you clever, you got your point across with humor and without judgment. (Those are qualities we should all develop.)

DEAR ABBY: After going together for more than a year, my boyfriend, "Hank," and I rented an apartment and moved in together. While we were unpacking, Hank showed me a charcoal portrait of his ex-girlfriend wearing only a garter belt and stockings, standing behind a strategically placed tree branch.

Hank told me he's having it custom-framed to hang in our living room. When I protested, he told me it was a gift and he felt obligated to display it. (I want to burn it!)

I've given Hank stacks of photos of myself since we've met, and he hasn't framed a single one. How should I handle this? -- WANTS TO TURN THE CHARCOAL INTO ASHES

DEAR WANTS: Unless you're willing to tolerate living in an apartment with a semi-nude drawing of your boyfriend's ex, tell him in no uncertain terms this is a deal breaker. He may be an "art lover," but if he hangs that portrait, he's making an "ash" out of you.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)