DEAR ABBY: Two weeks ago, I went to a party with "Brady," my live-in boyfriend of five years. To make a long story short, I had too much to drink. Brady took me home and put me to bed so I could "sleep it off." I remembered nothing the next morning.

A few days later, I ran across an unfamiliar videotape and popped it into the VCR. I couldn't believe my eyes! It was Brady and me having sex the night I was so "out of it." When I confronted him, he said he had always wanted to document our love-making. Then he apologized. I made Brady promise to destroy the tape.

I feel angry, hurt and violated! I can hardly look my boyfriend in the eye right now. Am I making too much of this? -- NOT INTO PORNO IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR NOT INTO PORNO: Not at all. What Brady did was indeed a violation. I urge you to make absolutely certain that the tape has been destroyed and there are no other copies. And if I were you, I'd reconsider a relationship with a man who appears to regard you as a sex "object" rather than a person.

P.S.: Drinking and blacking out are signs of alcoholism. Please get the help you need to stop now.

DEAR ABBY: "Trying to Keep the Peace in the Pacific Northwest" wants a simple wedding, but doesn't want to alienate his or his fiancee's large families.

I have seven sisters, a brother, several stepparents, a huge extended family and a large circle of friends. (And that is just on MY side!) My fiance and I could not afford a big wedding or a fancy reception, so here's how we handled it:

We made a list of what was really important to us. I love lots of fresh flowers, so that was put on the "splurge" list. My fiance enjoys good champagne. Everything else we either made or asked friends to help with.

My mom made my dress; a friend who was handy with a camera took the photos; we were married in the garden of my ex-roommate's large home; my husband made his own D.J. tapes by recording songs off the radio; and I asked each of my female friends to bring a plate of hors d'oeuvres. Everyone knew our financial situation. No one was offended. On the contrary, we were told repeatedly how happy they were to contribute.

One hundred and fifty people attended our wedding and everyone agreed it was one of the best times they ever had. The cost? $1,500.

Twenty-one years later, we are still madly in love and have not changed our priorities. Ironically, we have friends who were still paying off their wedding debt while ironing out their divorce settlements.

"Trying" is a wise young man whose priorities are in order. No one should be pressured into spending what he or she doesn't have to begin with. -- HAPPY IN HUNTINGTON BEACH, CALIF.

DEAR HAPPY: I agree. To go into debt to fund a wedding is, in my opinion, foolish and unnecessary. Books have been written about how to plan a wedding on a budget, and they are available in libraries and bookstores. A wedding does not have to be expensive to be beautiful, memorable and a happy occasion for all concerned. Your wedding is proof.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I started a new job eight months ago. A handsome guy works there, and I waited five months before I asked him out. Since then, we go out to lunch together three days a week and eat in the office the other days. He calls me at home in the morning to see if I want him to bring me a cup of coffee to work. He also shares his thoughts and feelings with me. I like him a lot.

Last Saturday night, I arrived at his apartment and he had candles lit, wine chilled, and served cheese and crackers. It was very romantic. We ate and drank and had a wonderful conversation. A little later, he went to lie on his bed and watch TV. He invited me to lie next to him -- and I did. (Mind you, we have never kissed or anything.) When I reached out to hold his hand, he immediately got up and went to the bathroom. Then he came out with a blanket, walked to the couch, covered himself and went to sleep. I invited him to sleep next to me on his bed -- but he refused. I went home.

I think he's really nice, cute, smart and sweet. Am I rushing things, or do you think he just wants to be friends? (I wouldn't mind being a friend -- with benefits.) What do you make of this situation? -- CONFUSED GAL IN GALVESTON, TEXAS

DEAR CONFUSED: I think you are already "friends." Forget the benefits. Your romance has gone as far as it is going to go.

DEAR ABBY: "Miserable Mom in Tucson," the single mother of two adult sons who ignored her on Mother's Day, reminded me of a similar situation I had to deal with.

About 10 years ago, on both Easter and Mother's Day, I heard nothing from my married son who lives out of state. When my birthday rolled around and he again failed to contact me, I sent his wife a sympathy card. On it, I wrote, "Why didn't you tell me my son had died? I would have come to the funeral!"

Two days later, I got a phone call and a heartfelt apology from my son. Ever since, he has never failed to call me on a regular basis. Sign me ... MOTHER OF INVENTION IN VIRGINIA

DEAR MOTHER: Not only are you clever, you got your point across with humor and without judgment. (Those are qualities we should all develop.)

DEAR ABBY: After going together for more than a year, my boyfriend, "Hank," and I rented an apartment and moved in together. While we were unpacking, Hank showed me a charcoal portrait of his ex-girlfriend wearing only a garter belt and stockings, standing behind a strategically placed tree branch.

Hank told me he's having it custom-framed to hang in our living room. When I protested, he told me it was a gift and he felt obligated to display it. (I want to burn it!)

I've given Hank stacks of photos of myself since we've met, and he hasn't framed a single one. How should I handle this? -- WANTS TO TURN THE CHARCOAL INTO ASHES

DEAR WANTS: Unless you're willing to tolerate living in an apartment with a semi-nude drawing of your boyfriend's ex, tell him in no uncertain terms this is a deal breaker. He may be an "art lover," but if he hangs that portrait, he's making an "ash" out of you.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am the wife of a fireman. I have a personal stake in letting your readers know that they can help to protect the lives of wildland firefighters as we experience yet another terrible new fire season. We have already seen those frightening orange flames leaping across our television screens as they are beaten back by firefighters. Brave men and women risk their lives to save communities, while families like ours watch the news and hold our breath.

Twenty-three firefighters lost their lives in wildland fires last year, and more than 6 million acres were reduced to ashes. This year promises to be even more costly.

Millions of Americans live in what is called "wildland/urban interface." These are areas of wild nature into which homes -- and even cities (18,000 communities) -- have been built. Last year, the residents of Denver were shocked to learn that their metropolis is a wildland/urban interface as firestorms swept down from the mountains. When houses are threatened or engulfed, firefighters are at risk. However, homeowners can protect their dwellings and possessions -- and the lives of firefighters -- before the fires race toward them.

Here's what to do: Go to your computer and type in www.firewise.org. Firewise.org is a free service of the U.S. Forest Service, the Red Cross, the National Fire Protection Association and dozens of other government and private entities. This Web site teaches visitors how to "firewise" their homes, imparting precautions homeowners can take to prepare their homes to ride out a wildland fire. You cannot firePROOF a home, but you can fireWISE it, and by doing so, you might save another firefighter's family unending grief. Sign me ... PRECAUTIOUS IN PLACERVILLE, CALIF.

DEAR PRECAUTIOUS: I hope millions of homeowners will take advantage of your helpful suggestion. This nation has opened its heart to firefighters and their families, especially during the last two years. The selfless courage of those dedicated men and women who put their safety on the line as they move into burning buildings or burning wildlands is an inspiration. We owe them, among other considerations, a visit to Firewise.org, which puts preventive measures literally at our fingertips.

And for those readers who are not computer-enabled, you, too, can save a wildland firefighter's family enduring heartache by requesting a free Firewise Homeowner's Guide. Simply write: Firewise, 1 Batterymarch Park, Quincy, MA 02269-9101 and tell them that Dear Abby sent you.

DEAR ABBY: I am a retired airline pilot. My main recreational pastimes are golf and billiards, and I am good at both. However, I become despondent when I play badly, and lately my depression is hard to shake.

I have always had a competitive nature, but realize I'm no fun to be around when I'm down. I need an attitude adjustment so that friends won't shy away from playing with me. Any suggestions, Abby? -- SORE LOSER IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA

DEAR SORE LOSER: There's an old saying: It's not whether you win or lose, but how you play the game that counts. You are wise to realize that your quest for perfection has become a problem. The solution is counseling to help you get to the root of -- and deal with -- your obsession with always "winning," and your depression when you don't.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)