DEAR ABBY: My recent eighth-grade graduation should have been a happy night for me, but I spent most of it in the bathroom with my best friend, "Sandy." She was crying her eyes out because her father was there. She hadn't seen him for more than two years. Sandy's mother had an affair with him 14 years ago, and he decided to stay with his wife, leaving Sandy and her mother alone. Her father pays child support, but his absence has left an emotional gap you could drive a truck through.

Sandy's mother is a wonderful person, but you can't talk to her about important things. And Sandy isn't open about her feelings to many people. They build up inside her and she just explodes. Seeing her father on graduation night was the straw that broke the camel's back. He seemed uncomfortable. He barely spoke to Sandy and didn't give her a hug or anything. I try to console my friend the best I can, but I'm not sure what to say. Abby, if she starts to feel bad again, what can I say to help her heal her pain? -- CONCERNED FRIEND IN WISCONSIN

DEAR CONCERNED FRIEND: Continue to be the caring and supportive friend you have been. However, rather than trying to heal her hurt, tell your mother what you have observed and ask her to speak to Sandy's mother. Sandy will need counseling and a safe place to express her feelings of hurt and abandonment. If she sees someone now, it could save her years of unhappiness and therapy later. Her feelings are valid and must be addressed.

DEAR ABBY: Our daughter, "Lea," went away to college last year. She was looking forward not only to the opportunity to learn, but also to make new friends. She had made only a couple of friends in high school. During her freshman year at college, Lea made an effort to make friends, but never made more than one.

Lea is returning for her sophomore year, resigned to being one of the less popular students. Have you any suggestions or a booklet of some kind to help her? Lea is a bright, attractive young woman who deserves to have friends. What's her problem, Abby? -- SAD MOTHER IN SANDUSKY, OHIO

DEAR SAD MOTHER: You haven't given me enough information to determine what has prevented your daughter from making friends. However, I do have a booklet that other people have found helpful; it's titled "How to Be Popular: You're Never Too Young or Too Old." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope plus a check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.) Allow six to eight weeks for delivery.

DEAR ABBY: My 38-year-old son was recently sentenced to 14 years in prison for molesting his 10-year-old stepdaughter. I am devastated.

Do you think I should seek out the girl and tell her how sorry I am? She and her mother live several hundred miles away. I feel my son has ruined this young girl's life. -- STEP-GRANDMA IN ALABAMA

DEAR STEP-GRANDMA: By all means let the child know you care about her well-being. Let her know that you empathize with her pain and are there for her. Right now, the girl needs to know that she is loved and that family members support her. You can accomplish this by reaching out.

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to the letter from "Sick of Being Cupid," the Manhattan, N.Y., office worker who was required to provide female dates to her bosses. As someone who has committed sexual harassment against co-workers in the past, I feel compelled to comment.

If ever there was a case of sexual harassment, this is it. However, Abby, although I agree with your reply, it did not go far enough. "Sick of Being Cupid" should do the following:

(1) In addition to documenting the times and places where she was asked to provide her bosses with "dates" or escorts, she must also document to whom she spoke and what was discussed in terms of what would happen on the date(s) and what, if any, compensation "Sick" was due.

(2) Research the company to see if her bosses have bosses of their own to whom they are accountable.

(3) Find and hire an attorney who specializes in employment law to represent her interests.

(4) Contact the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission (EEOC) offices in the jurisdiction where she works, and file a sexual harassment claim. (The address and phone number should be in the government pages at the front of her telephone directory.)

By punishing her for her inability to provide them with dates, "Sick's" bosses are creating a hostile work environment. Not only is their behavior contemptible, it is also a violation of federal and New York state law. She should not have her job placed in jeopardy by a couple of idiots who can't find dates for themselves. I urge "Sick" to follow my suggestions so that she may receive justice. -- OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE IN OREGON

DEAR OTHER SIDE: It seems you learned these lessons the hard way. I'm sure that "Sick" -- and many other employees -- will find your letter useful. Thank you for writing and welcome back to the human race.

DEAR ABBY: My father died a few months ago. Mother is suffering and clearly distraught. They were married 44 years. I love my mom and want to help her, but she is constantly telling me how much "torturous pain" she's in. She has always had a martyr complex and has been needy, dependent and childlike. My mother is healthy and works full time, yet I can't help feeling she is somehow using Dad's death to manipulate me into filling her emotional needs and placing me in the role of parent. (I already have three young children.)

I have suggested to Mom that she go to a bereavement group or see an individual therapist. She heard me, but has done nothing about it. Is there anything else I can do? -- CONCERNED DAUGHTER IN NEW YORK

DEAR CONCERNED: Yes. Take your mother by the hand to some bereavement group sessions. It will give both of you a chance to bring your issues out into the open. Also, if your mother's "pain" (translation: depression) does not begin to abate, inform her doctor. She may need anti-depressant medication to help her through this difficult period.

DEAR ABBY: My father died a few months ago. Mother is suffering and clearly distraught. They were married 44 years. I love my mom and want to help her, but she is constantly telling me how much "torturous pain" she's in. She has always had a martyr complex and has been needy, dependent and childlike. My mother is healthy and works full time, yet I can't help feeling she is somehow using Dad's death to manipulate me into filling her emotional needs and placing me in the role of parent. (I already have three young children.)

I have suggested to Mom that she go to a bereavement group or see an individual therapist. She heard me, but has done nothing about it. Is there anything else I can do? -- CONCERNED DAUGHTER IN NEW YORK

DEAR CONCERNED: Yes. Take your mother by the hand to some bereavement group sessions. It will give both of you a chance to bring your issues out into the open. Also, if your mother's "pain" (translation: depression) does not begin to abate, inform her doctor. She may need anti-depressant medication to help her through this difficult period.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: People want to stay healthy at any age. In order to accomplish that, they need the most current information on how to prevent disease. They also need a practical tool to help them when they talk to their doctors.

The Agency for Healthcare Research and Quality (AHRQ), part of the U.S. Department of Health & Human Services (HHS), has developed screening test checklists for women and men, which include the most recent recommendations from the U.S. Preventive Services Task Force. They describe which tests you need, when and why.

"Women: Stay Healthy at Any Age, A Checklist for Your Next Checkup" lists screening tests such as mammograms, Pap smears, colorectal cancer and depression, and pointers on eating a healthy diet and quitting smoking.

"Men: Stay Healthy at Any Age, A Checklist for Your Next Checkup" contains a similar checklist, including prostate cancer screening, STDs, cholesterol checks, blood pressure and an immunization schedule.

I hope you will pass the word along to your readers, Abby. -- TOMMY G. THOMPSON, SECRETARY, HHS

DEAR SECRETARY THOMPSON: Thank you for a helpful letter. Effective medical care consists not only of curing illness, but also in giving people the necessary tools to prevent disease.

Dear Abby readers can request these free, pocket-size booklets in English or Spanish by calling the AHRQ publications clearinghouse toll-free: (800) 358-9295, or sending an e-mail: ahrqpubs@ahrq.gov. To download these prevention and wellness booklets -- and many others -- visit the Web site: www.ahrq.gov/consumer.

DEAR ABBY: I am home for the summer after my freshman year at college and need some advice about my mother's behavior.

Before I left, I thought Mom and I had a normal mother/daughter relationship. However, the whole time I was away at school, not once did she ever call, write or e-mail me. (My father did stay in close contact.)

Now that I'm home, Mother gets annoyed by everything I do and say. Five days ago, I became so stressed about my summer job and things going on in my personal life that I started to cry. Mom marched into my room and screamed at me to "stop bawling!"

I screamed back, telling her to leave me alone. She continued to yell at me, saying I don't appreciate all she's done for me. Nothing could be further from the truth! I have always been grateful to both of my parents and have worked hard to make them proud of me.

Then Mom floored me by saying she "didn't need me around" and "didn't want me anymore." I ran out of my room sobbing and we haven't spoken since. She occupies herself with her girlfriends and her women's club.

Abby, my poor father feels caught in the middle. Can you please help me sort out what to do? -- SAD AND DESPERATE IN VERMONT

DEAR SAD AND DESPERATE: Have a frank talk with your father about your mother and find out what has caused her change of behavior. You are an adult, and you have the right to know. It appears that she is overwhelmed, stressed and angry about something -- and it may have nothing to do with you. Since there appears to be a major communication problem right now, ask your father to schedule some appointments so the three of you can talk this out in family counseling. If your mother refuses to go, you and your father should go without her.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)