DEAR ABBY: I am what you might call a "lazy person." I am 18 and still live at home with my parents.

My mother just told me that I have to be out of the house by September. The thing is, I quit high school and don't have a job. I don't have my GED, but when I do get it, I want to enroll in hairdressing school.

I don't know how my mother and stepfather think I can make it on my own if I don't have the money. How can I convince them that I will need more time? -- FEELING PRESSURED IN CALGARY

DEAR PRESSURED: By giving them a much-needed show of faith. Contact your local department of education and enroll in classes now so you can get your GED. Once you're signed up, contact temp agencies and search the classified section of your newspaper for job openings. I'm betting that once your mom and stepfather see that you are making a sincere effort, they'll relent a little.

Your future is in your own hands, and the next move is up to you.

DEAR ABBY: Is it standard procedure for a woman to keep her husband's name after a divorce? It bothers me that the man I plan to marry already has an ex-wife with his last name. He says it's because of their children. I would like her to go back to her maiden name. -- HE'S NOT YOUR HUSBAND ANYMORE, COLUMBIA, S.C.

DEAR "HE'S NOT YOUR HUSBAND": The kindest advice I can offer is to accept the fact that your intended has baggage. You cannot make his first marriage "disappear." Many women retain their husband's name after a divorce for the exact reason she is doing so. If you marry this man, your name will be "Mrs. John Smith." His former wife is now "Mrs. Linda Smith." You'll all be happier if you just get over it.

DEAR ABBY: I was raised in a small rural community. When I was 8 or 9 years old, I was molested and sodomized. I am now a 61-year-old single man, and I have never been able to have an intimate relationship with anyone.

I was not molested by a priest, preacher, teacher, coach or any adult. I was molested by another child -- a boy of 12 or 13. I knew of three boys in my seventh grade class who were also molested by another boy. By the time I was a senior in high school, I had learned of two more.

The boys who victimized us are now married and have children. At least three of their victims never married. I have no doubt that these abuses continue today. This is NOT an issue of homosexuality or pedophilia. The issue is the dominant, aggressive nature of male sexuality.

Parents must realize that their child is potentially both a victim and an abuser. All boys should be alerted to the possibility that even some of their best friends may have dangerous curiosities -- and no one has more influence over a child than a friend.

Boys must be taught self-respect and respect for the privacy of others. Because of the complexities of our society, we cannot leave the development and socialization of a child's sexuality to chance or to nature. -- ALONE IN ARIZONA

DEAR ALONE: Your letter is troubling as well as thought-provoking. All children should be taught how to say no -- whether verbally or through self-defense -- if they are asked to do something that doesn't feel right and is against their better judgment.

It is imperative that parents also teach children the importance of treating one another with respect. This is a valuable lesson that will benefit them for the rest of their lives.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 13 and cut myself on my wrists. I do it mostly when I get mad at someone. I also tried to choke myself when I was younger. One of my best friends and I talked about killing ourselves or running away.

I weigh 150 pounds. I weigh myself every night before I take a shower. I've tried to puke but it never comes up. I've also started skipping meals. My friends say I'm not fat, but my mom calls me chubby and pinches at the fat on my stomach.

My grades haven't been that great. I got three D's on my last report card. It's the worst I've ever done. I feel like I don't matter to anyone. My mom, friends, doctors and my aunt have asked what happened to my wrists (which is where I cut myself with scissors) and I tell them all the same thing -- "I don't know."

Abby, please help me. I want to end my life, but I don't have the guts. I still want to play in the Women's National Basketball Association when I get older, but I'm not sure I can wait. I don't want to go through this pain anymore. -- THIRTEEN WITH PROBLEMS

DEAR THIRTEEN WITH PROBLEMS: It's time for you to level with the people who love you. It is also time to call your doctor and tell him or her how you got the cuts on your wrists, and that you are fantasizing about suicide. No one will be angry with you or punish you. You may need medical help to overcome your self-destructive urges -- and to help you feel better about yourself.

Please understand that you are not alone in having this problem. It's one that is shared by many others. The good news is that help is available. Please write to S.A.F.E. Alternatives, Linden Oaks Hospital, 852 West St., Naperville, IL 60540, and include a legal-sized, self-addressed, stamped envelope. You can look it up on the Web site for more information, at www.selfinjury.com.

DEAR ABBY: Last Saturday night, my boyfriend, "Jimmy," and I went out, like always. When he brought me home, I invited him in for a glass of wine. Dad had gone to bed, and Mom was still up and watching TV in the den.

When I was in the kitchen pouring the wine, I overheard Mom tell Jimmy how "handsome and sexy" he looked. I was startled, so I peeked into the den and found my mother and boyfriend in a liplock.

I saw Jimmy run his hand down Mom's body and under her nightie. I was shocked! When I returned with the drinks, I didn't let on what I had seen, and they acted like nothing had happened.

Jimmy often likes to drop by the house and say hello to Mom, but I never thought it was anything more. What should I do? Should I confront Mom and my boyfriend? My biggest concern is Dad. Should I tell him -- or should I keep quiet? -- DESPERATE FOR ADVICE IN ALBANY

DEAR DESPERATE: I see no reason for you to carry this burden in silence. Tell your mother what you witnessed and how it made you feel. Then, tell Jimmy that the relationship is over.

You have been betrayed twice, and you have every reason to feel hurt and angry. Counseling can help you deal with your feelings. It would be helpful if you and your mother attend some sessions together. Your father should be told, but don't do it until you have had some sessions with your counselor.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "MICHELLE IN THE MIDWEST": Your fellow bus passengers are worried about your safety. Please call the Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-7233. The people there can help you form an escape plan. Don't put it off!

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: For the past two years, I've been dating "Victor," a guy I'd been carrying a torch for since high school. He's everything any woman would want in a man. We're both 30 and neither of us had been married before. Vic moved in with me, and we plan on being married next year. I had never been so happy.

Five months ago my world fell apart. I received a phone call from a 19-year-old girl who claimed she is two months pregnant with Vic's twins. I was seven months pregnant at the time. (I've since had a healthy baby boy.)

Vic was at work when the call came in, and when he got home I calmly questioned him about this girl and her "news." He admitted everything. He said he'd been seeing her for a year and a half. I was shocked. I thought I couldn't be more depressed -- until Vic came home last night and asked me if it would be OK if he attended birthing classes with this girl. I angrily told him to go right ahead -- then later changed my mind and flat-out refused.

Abby, I am confused and beyond hurt. Please tell me how to handle this. It's a nightmare that won't go away. Keep in mind that we're supposed to be getting married -- although I'm leaning toward calling off the wedding. -- HURTING IN NEW ORLEANS

DEAR HURTING: Unless you, your son, Vic, his girlfriend and the twins plan to be one big, happy family -- call off the wedding. Not once in your letter did you indicate that your fiance was sorry about what happened.

In the meantime, there now will be three children to support. If you're smart, you'll talk to a lawyer TODAY to assure that the child you have with Vic will receive child support. Please don't wait. This man is untrustworthy and does not appear to be ready or willing to make a lifetime commitment to you.

DEAR ABBY: When getting an annulment or divorce, what is the length of time you have to be married before you may keep the wedding gifts? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: Cash gifts should be returned if the marriage lasted less than a year. If you have been married long enough to open and use the wedding gifts, then you should keep them. However, if they have not been used, are still in their original boxes, and the marriage didn't last more than one year, offer to return them to the givers.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl with great friends. Sometimes I feel like I'm living the life of a college student. I have physical relationships with a lot of guys -- as well as my boyfriend. How can I get into a life where I feel like I'm more my age? -- ACTING OLDER IN SYRACUSE

DEAR ACTING OLDER: By recognizing that you're uncomfortable living in the fast lane, and writing to me, you have already taken the first step.

It's a misconception to think that all college students sleep around. They don't. If the teens in your circle of friends are doing it, then it's time you meet new people and channel your energy into new activities -- sports, theater, art, dance, etc.

But first, you must confide in an adult (ideally a parent) who can schedule a doctor's appointment so you can be checked for STDs and counseled about birth control.

I admire you for wanting to change what has become a destructive pattern. That is a sign of maturity.

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