DEAR ABBY: I am 24 and recently married "Teddy," the most wonderful man in the world. Our problems began when we were on our honeymoon. We made the mistake of giving his mother, "Janice," an extra key to our home -- "in case of emergency."

When Teddy and I returned home, she had completely redecorated our living room. Janice had removed our beautiful wallpaper and painted the walls and molding several shades of green. She also made curtains and pillows to match. I have never been fond of green, but now it's everywhere -- including paint splatters on our newly refinished hardwood floors.

Abby, I feel violated! I do not want to hurt Janice's feelings, but I need to let her know that although we appreciate her efforts, she is never to do this again.

We will be leaving on vacation in the fall, and I think Janice has her eyes on our bedroom. What should I do? -- PREFERS BEIGE IN BALTIMORE

DEAR PREFERS BEIGE: You and Teddy must talk to his mother together. She may have meant well, but your use of the word "violated" really sums it up. Your mother-in-law's actions were presumptuous and insulting. If I were you, I'd either change the locks or get that key back.

You have your work cut out for you. Your mother-in-law has no concept of boundaries. If you do not draw the line now, you'll never have a home or color scheme to call your own.

DEAR ABBY: In celebration of Father's Day, I would like to share with you a poem my daughter wrote as a tribute to her daddy years ago. It meant the world to him, and to honor his memory I offer it to you and your readers. -- MARION LENZEN, AURORA, ILL.

DEAR MARION: I am pleased you did. I'm sure it will strike a familar note with many readers.

MORE THAN PROMISES

By Eileen Votava

He couldn't buy the roses

I saw in the vendor's cart.

But he showed me how

To plant the seeds and cut the blooms.

And together we'd tend

The garden from his heart.

He couldn't show me the way

To slide downhill on my sled.

But the tales of horsedrawn

Sleighs from his youth filled my hours.

Richer was I than my friends,

As down the hill they sped.

He couldn't take me places

Filled with intrigue and mystique.

But he promised to take me

Fishing on the banks of a quiet stream.

No doubt we would go;

His promises he'd always keep.

He never promised dreams and schemes;

That life would be always fair.

But he pledged me his support;

Even when I made mistakes.

And when I needed him most,

He was always there.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MORTON PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy Father's Day, Dad!

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My problem is my daughter-in-law, "Marla," and the verbal abuse she heaps on my son, "Jack." She belittles him in front of me and the children on a daily basis. All my life I listened to my own mother do the same thing to my dad, and it's something I cannot tolerate.

When I've asked my daughter-in-law not to talk to Jack like that, Marla directs her anger at me. So all I can do is what I did with my mother -- get up and leave the room. What I want to say is, "Stop it! He's a good man who's been there for you from day one and doesn't deserve to be trashed!" But I'm afraid it would cause more trouble. I bought Marla a book on anger management, but she threw it away. Last week, I wrote her a letter giving her "what for." (I never mailed it.)

Abby, I'm at my wit's end with this woman and I'm not sure what is the most productive way to move forward. If you print this, I know she'll read it. No name or town, please. Sign me ... TRYING NOT TO BE AN INTERFERING M-I-L

DEAR TRYING: As much as you might wish to intervene, your daughter-in-law's verbal abuse will not stop until your son finds the strength to end it. He needs counseling to boost his self-esteem to the point that he can stand up for himself. Encourage him to do it soon because verbal abuse damages everyone who's exposed to it -- including the children who grow up thinking it is normal behavior.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old single woman living with three cats. I have many friends and have dated on and off since my teens, but I am always happier when I'm unattached. I do not want children, and I don't intend to marry. I am content with my life, while many of my friends and co-workers insist that I'll never be "complete" without a man.

These people tell me that one day I'll realize what I'm missing -- but it might be too late to start a family. Abby, I have come to the conclusion that the desire for marriage and a family would require a major personality transplant for me.

I can't seem to convince my friends that I'm happy "as is." I get so tired of defending my lifestyle that I usually end up telling them they're right just so they'll stop bugging me. What should I say the next time? -- SINGLE AND HAPPY ABOUT IT

DEAR SINGLE AND HAPPY: Marriage and family may be the norm, but it isn't a guarantee of happiness for everyone -- as anyone can tell by reading this column.

When your friends push the subject, don't allow them to make you defensive. Just smile and change the subject.

DEAR ABBY: How do people know if their therapist is really helping them or just taking their money? Mine does not talk much or give any advice. What kind of progress should I expect in recovering from depression and anxiety attacks, and how do you evaluate yourself and the doctor to determine if your healing is just a slow process or if it's time to find a better-suited professional? -- THANKS FROM OHIO

DEAR OHIO: Discuss your concerns with your therapist. Do not feel guilty for questioning your progress. You have the right to do so. Therapy can sometimes be painful, but you must be completely honest, or it won't work. That said, sometimes it takes a little shopping to find a good fit, so don't be embarrassed about wanting a second opinion.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: When I was in college 10 years ago, I experienced my first intimate relationship one summer with another student, "Bill." When the fall semester rolled around, I learned that my randomly selected roommate in the dorm was an ex-girlfriend of Bill's. I'll call her April.

I did not tell April about my relationship with Bill because she was still getting over him. Our romance continued for several weeks, but Bill and I were careful to keep it from her.

As the weeks went by, April and I became closer. I finally cut all ties with Bill because of the loyalty I felt to my roommate. In the decade that followed graduation, I married and had a family. I lead a quiet life and I am content.

A few days ago, I received a phone call out of the blue from April. To my astonishment, she informed me that after all these years, she and Bill are back together and about to be married. She asked me to attend the wedding.

I never came clean with April about my relationship with Bill -- and I have no plans to. Knowing him, he never breathed a word of it to her either.

I still hold both my ex-roommate and my ex-boyfriend close to my heart. They are an important part of my past. Would it be inappropriate to attend this wedding, considering the circumstances? -- EX IN A TANGLED WEB, SOMEWHERE IN OHIO

DEAR EX: You are older and happy, and so are they. The romance between you and Bill was over a long time ago. If you can go to the wedding and sincerely wish them both well, I see no reason not to attend.

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