DEAR ABBY: Until a few months ago I was a full-time homemaker. In the process of easing back into the profession I left when my children came along, I took a part-time job.

All of a sudden, the other stay-at-home moms in my circle, whom I thought were close friends, began giving me the cold shoulder. They started screening their calls, stopped returning my messages, dropped out of our carpool, and no longer allowed their kids to play with mine.

When I mentioned this to my female colleagues, several of them described similar experiences. Abby, it's difficult for me to understand the behavior of these women. Is it jealousy or resentment? Can't they see how much we still have in common and that we share the same goals -- providing a good home for our families? Please offer me some insight. -- A WORKING MOM

DEAR WORKING MOM: The behavior you have described is mean-spirited. Forget the "insight" and cultivate friendships with other working mothers. They will understand the pressures you face, and perhaps you can take turns sharing the responsibilities of parenting.

DEAR ABBY: Last year my husband and I had an "altercation." I pressed charges and he went to jail. Big mistake. I should have kept my mouth shut. (That's what started the fight in the first place -- although it was his fault for assaulting me.)

I called our son in Germany and told him about the incident. Now he refuses to speak to his dad. They were fairly close before -- not now. My son and his wife have a new baby and they want to send me a ticket to visit them this summer. I want to go, but since Hubby and I are working things out with the help of a psychiatrist and our minister, I wouldn't feel right going without him. Should I go or stay home? I love them all and don't want to have to choose between them. -- HALF-PACKED TO GO

DEAR HALF-PACKED: Since you are asking me to choose for you, I recommend that you postpone visiting your son until the psychotherapy and marriage counseling are finished. Explain to your son and his wife that you very much want to visit them and meet your new grandchild, but saving your marriage has to take priority.

I commend your son for wanting to protect you. I hope if there are any more violent incidents that you will have enough self-esteem and conviction to call the police and exit the marriage.

DEAR ABBY: A recent letter mentioned insensitive remarks made about those of us who do not fit "the norm." It reminded me of a wonderful memory of my beautiful, intelligent daughter who is now in her 40s. She was born with a noticeable birthmark near her left eye. While she was growing up, in supermarkets, on playgrounds, etc., people would comment about it -- much to my chagrin.

One day, in answer to a passer-by's inquiry, she replied, "When God made me he touched me there, and said, 'She's done!'" The person's jaw dropped -- and I LOVED it! -- STILL PROUD MOM IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR STILL PROUD MOM: You and your daughter both deserve to be commended. You, for instilling in your daughter an unshakable sense of self-esteem. And your daughter for having the wisdom to understand that we are ALL as God made us.

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DEAR ABBY: I'm proud to say I always enjoyed a close relationship with my former husband's immediate family. Although we are now divorced, I've remained in frequent contact with my ex-mother-in-law.

The problem is I am in a new and serious relationship with another man, and I'm afraid if I tell him I still communicate with my ex's mother, he'll go berserk. I don't want to anger or hurt him, but feel he should know the truth. Above all, I don't want to sacrifice the friendship I have with my ex-mother-in-law. Please tell me how to handle this situation. -- HOUSTON EX

DEAR EX: Disclose to your gentleman friend the fact that you still have a relationship with the woman, and don't apologize for it. If the romance progresses, it will be very difficult to hide it.

Your letter raises a red flag. If a relationship with your former mother-in-law would truly make him "go berserk," how will he handle other things he might not like about you? Please keep your eyes open and make no rash commitments.

DEAR ABBY: Please help me. I need to know if I should approach another mother about why my 10-year-old son was not invited to her son's birthday party.

We have lived in our close-knit neighborhood for three years. All of the other children on our street were invited, and they told my son all about it at school the next day. Now he feels left out and sad. Until now, he thought he was good friends with the birthday boy.

I know this sort of thing happens, but for a mother to organize a party and knowingly exclude one child doesn't seem right. How should I handle it, Abby? -- SMALL-TOWN MOM IN IOWA

DEAR MOM: By all means ask the mother what happened. Since your son was the only child not invited to the party, shame on her for abetting that kind of exclusion.

However, before approaching the mother, invite the neighborhood children to your home and observe how they interact. There may be a reason your child was not welcome. If he's having relationship or behavior problems, now is the time to give him the social skills he will need for the rest of his life.

DEAR ABBY: "Big Girl in Des Moines" said she felt good about getting results from her diet and exercise program, but complained that her boyfriend had turned into a "food cop." There may be a subtext going on in their relationship. It's possible that he's actually trying to sabotage her weight loss.

I know. My soon-to-be-ex-husband sabotaged every attempt I made to lose weight throughout our more than 20 years of marriage. He was always subtle about it. For instance, he'd tell me I'd been working hard and "deserved a treat" -- or HE needed a treat and then he'd keep offering me "just a bite." It was amazing how suddenly he wanted to eat fatty meals at fast-food restaurants.

My husband worried I would lose so much weight that I'd decide I could do better than him. "Big Girl" should keep her eyes and ears open and stick to her diet. -- SOON-TO-BE-EX IN RENO

DEAR SOON-TO-BE-EX: It's sad that your husband's insecurities were so great that he jeopardized your health and destroyed your marriage. (It seems that the excess weight you had been carrying around was HIM.)

CONFIDENTIAL TO "EXHAUSTED IN MARYLAND": You and the children have suffered far too long. For their sake, listen to your attorney!

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am in my late 20s. For six years I have been entangled in a strange and powerful relationship with "Bruce," a 38-year-old man who considers himself "only a friend." I am very much in love with him and he knows it. He has never said he loves me. In fact, whenever we get close, he steps back emotionally and reminds me that he's "just a friend."

Bruce was hurt badly by a cheating wife and has been divorced for many years. I know for a fact that there have been no other women in his life. Despite all this, Bruce treats me like a queen. Whatever I need -- you name it -- he is right there. He is the most generous, protective and responsive man I have ever met.

He calls me every morning to say hello and every night to wish me sweet dreams. We spend weekends together and we're sexually active. We enjoy each other more than any couple I know -- married or unmarried. We're such a good match that people tell us we absolutely "glow" when we're together.

I have finally reached the end of my rope. I need SOME kind of recognition. At the very least, I would like to be considered his girlfriend. Please help me look at this relationship with clear eyes. -- "ONLY A FRIEND" IN NEW YORK STATE

DEAR "ONLY A FRIEND": It's time to face the fact that for whatever reason, Bruce is commitment-phobic. Up to now, your relationship has been entirely on his terms, and he likes it the way it is. I'll give him marks for honesty. You must accept it -- or move on. (If it's marriage and a secure future you're after, I urge you to do the latter.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 15-year-old girl, and my parents split up a couple of weeks ago. I didn't see it coming because they always acted like they were happy together. My mom and dad have both talked to me about it, but I feel like they're trying to make me choose sides.

Mom is forever asking me if I'm OK, and I always say yes, but I'm not so sure. I can't talk to my father because we aren't as close -- we never were. Also, I don't see him as much anymore and he rarely calls.

My grades have dropped, and I've been falling asleep in some of my classes. Dad thinks I'm depressed, but I don't agree. I don't know how to explain what I'm going through. My parents don't understand. Abby, please help me because I don't know what to do. -- LOST AND CONFUSED IN STAFFORD, VA.

DEAR LOST: Your father may have more insight than you have given him credit for. The signs of depression can be subtle. Among them are sleep problems.

Please level with both of your parents about your feelings. Your reaction to the divorce is normal. You should also speak to a counselor at school. Help is available for you. Please don't try to go through this process alone. Trust me on this: You'll start to feel better as soon as you speak up and stop bottling up your feelings.

DEAR ABBY: Back in 1963, your mother printed a great definition of "maturity." I clipped and saved it, and have referred to it many times. It's still relevant, and my copy has become worn and tattered. Any chance you would print it again? -- HELEN REZENDES, SAN JOSE, CALIF.

DEAR HELEN: I'm pleased to print it again. My mother is a wise woman.

"Maturity is:

"-- The ability to stick with a job until it's finished.

"-- The ability to do a job without being supervised.

"-- The ability to carry money without spending it.

"-- And the ability to bear an injustice without wanting to get even."

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