DEAR Abby: This is in response to "Ready-or-Not in Texas," the 17-year-old who is contemplating tricking her boyfriend into fatherhood. Two years ago, I was the victim of such manipulation.

At the time, my girlfriend and I were both 30. We had been together just four months. She presumed such tactics would speed up our courtship and land her a husband. It backfired. Not only did she experience a painful miscarriage, but also the breakup of our relationship because of trust issues. -- CLOSE SHAVE IN WISCONSIN

DEAR CLOSE: You're right. Since she became pregnant on purpose, you were manipulated. That letter brought in hundreds of responses. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Ready-or-Not" needs to recognize the things she'll have to sacrifice if she gets pregnant. Does she go to parties? No more! Late nights with girlfriends? Nope! Romantic dates with her boyfriend? That's over. She'll never do anything spontaneous again.

I love kids. Then I spent a weekend baby-sitting a 3-year-old and an infant. It was then I realized that I couldn't even jump into a shower without planning it in advance. As I anxiously struggled to listen to the baby monitor over the sound of the shower, I knew I wasn't ready.

And I haven't even addressed the issue of money. Even if you have the best baby shower in the world, there are still the day-to-day expenses -- diapers, ointments, baby wipes, clothes, more diapers, food, bottles, toys, pacifiers, more diapers, and baby-proofing the house. She'll be doing all of it alone if she tries putting something over on her boyfriend. -- RENA IN L.A.

DEAR RENA: Thank you for a bracing dose of reality.

DEAR ABBY: Instead of getting pregnant, that girl should volunteer at a church day care, a hospital children's ward, a homeless shelter -- or even do some baby-sitting and earn a little money.

She didn't say it, but she may be looking for a "quick fix" to get out of a bad home life. If she has a child, she will just be replacing one bad situation with another. I had a friend who tried that. She ended up stuck at home with her baby -- no husband, no boyfriend, no future and angry parents.

I hope "Ready-or-Not" talks to someone before it's too late. -- BEEN THERE AND WAITED IN S.C.

DEAR WAITED: I, too, hope she finds someone to talk to -- her school nurse, counselor or another trusted adult.

DEAR ABBY: I had a child when I was 17. I wasn't ready and I have missed out on a lot because of it. Please urge that 17-year-old to think of her future. Children are the greatest gifts. They are little miracles. Kids are NOT something to play with that can be put away when someone is tired of being a parent and wants to go back to being young and carefree. -- AMANDA IN FLORIDA

DEAR AMANDA: You have stated it beautifully. Having a child is a decision that should be made rationally between both parties involved. It does not automatically bring a couple closer. A man who is tricked into parenthood will not only be resentful toward the person who tricked him, but also toward the child he will be obligated to support until it is an adult.

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to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a certified wedding planner. With the wedding season upon us, I would appreciate it if you would publish the following "reminders" for wedding guests:

1. The only people invited are those listed on the invitation. Please do not bring uninvited guests. I've seen a shortage of space and food at receptions because of this. (Caterers often charge extra for the number of guests exceeding the original count.)

2. Please do not bring children unless they are listed on the invitation. They may be the cutest kids in the world -- especially when they're all dressed up. However, it's the bride and groom's day, not an occasion for you to show off your little ones.

3. Another reason not to bring uninvited children is that many reception sites charge by the number of attendees, regardless of the age.

4. If you must bring a nursing baby to the ceremony, ask to be seated on an aisle near the back, so a quick exit can be made if the baby becomes fussy.

Keep in mind that a wedding day is an occasion the bride has dreamed of all her life. Countless hours and thousands of dollars may have been spent to make it perfect. Please don't spoil it for the happy couple. -- SPEAKING FOR ALL BRIDES

DEAR SPEAKING: Every spring I receive wedding etiquette questions by the bushel. Your helpful reminders can diffuse more than a few potential problems before they occur. Thank you for sending them.

DEAR ABBY: I am 13. I read your column every day. My mom is bulimic, and now I am fat because all she buys is junk food. Please give me some advice in the newspaper, because Mom will be mad if she knows I wrote to you.

I am sick of the kids at school calling me names all the time. I am sick of my mother calling me a fat pig when it is her fault that I eat the wrong food and don't throw up afterward like she does.

There is no reason to live any more. Every day of my life is miserable and I'd rather not even be here. You are my last chance for help on how to deal with these people. -- FED UP IN FORT MYERS, FLA.

DEAR FED UP: You need more help than anyone can give you in a letter. It's time to talk to your teacher, your principal or a school nurse about what you have written me. Your mother has an eating disorder and may not even realize that she is passing it along to you.

You need a healthy diet and an exercise program, and your mother needs to understand that what's going on could be classified as neglect because children's eating habits are dictated by their parents. Don't wait -- talk to someone now. Please let me hear from you again. I care.

DEAR ABBY: In a recent column you mentioned the old story that my grandfather, W.C. Fields, did not relate well to children. Nothing could be further from the truth. In fact, he loved children, and proudly drove his firstborn grandchild home from the hospital. A family photo appeared in People magazine on Jan. 1, 2000. It depicts my beloved grandfather, his first grandchild and my mother -- and it is heartwarming. -- HARRIET A. FIELDS, WASHINGTON, D.C.

DEAR HARRIET: I stand corrected. Thank you for helping to bury an old myth.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been involved with "Christopher" for three years. Our relationship started out as an affair. Chris was married with two small children and lived two doors down from me. He ended up leaving his wife and kids for me -- causing pain for everyone.

After the divorce, Chris was ordered to pay child support, alimony and the family's mortgage. He stopped paying when his wife moved in a lover who was a neighbor from across the street. Soon after that she kicked him out and took up with a guy she met on the Internet. The two children were neglected and finally taken into state custody. (They have since been returned to her after a year-long court battle.) The state would never allow Christopher to take the kids because his ex brought to light his prison history and ongoing alcohol addiction.

My problem is, after three years of this drama, I still feel I can't trust Chris -- that he always needs to be "baby-sat." He is not the world's most responsible guy. For instance, instead of going to work, he may end up in a bar -- and not even call to let me know. I'm always scared and worrying about what he's doing and where he is.

On top of all this, Chris is facing more prison time. My head tells me he's not worth the trouble he's caused, but my heart won't let go of the hope he'll change. Maybe I should have walked away when he first cheated on his wife with me -- the first time he lied, the first time he left me in the middle of the night to go out and do who-knows-what.

Should I wait until Chris goes to jail, then send him a Dear John letter and start over someplace else? Or should I get out now? If I threatened to leave him, he'd go nuts. Yet he feels OK about living a reckless and selfish life. Abby, who really has the problem here -- me or him? -- CONFUSED TO THE MAXIMUM IN MISSOURI

DEAR CONFUSED TO THE MAX: Interesting question. I'd say you both do. Your boyfriend can't toe the line, and you can't let go. From my perspective, Chris can offer you no future. However, if you think he will "go nuts" if you indicate that you're leaving, it would be better if you wait until the state takes him away from you.

DEAR ABBY: My teacher told me I should write to you with my etiquette question about envelopes.

Should people mail their personal letters in envelopes that have a curved-edge closing flap or a straight-edge closing flap? Someone told me that one kind is for personal letters and the other kind is for business letters. Is this true? -- JOSH IN CHICAGO

DEAR JOSH: If it's true, it's the first I have heard of it. To most people, the most important thing is what's inside the envelope, not the shape of the flap.

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