DEAR ABBY: I am a divorced mother of two young children. My mother has always been a tremendous financial and emotional help to us, and I'm proud of our relationship. She's a terrific person, but a pushover when it comes to "Ray," her husband of two years. Mom believes whatever he says -- wherein lies my problem.

Ray has been coming on to me for the last year. I don't know how to tell my mother. It's tearing me up inside, and I can't live with it anymore. My little sister told Mom a year ago that our stepfather came on to her, but Mom didn't believe her. Ray said my sister was the one who made the advances. (She was only 14 at the time!) Mom stood by her husband, and to this day maintains his innocence.

In an effort to make sure my mother believes me, I audiotaped my stepfather on the phone begging me to have sex with him. Do you think I should tell Mom I have evidence and insist that she listen to the tape? I don't want to lose my mother. I love her very much, and my children and I wouldn't know what to do without her in our lives. Please help. -- DESPERATE TO BE BELIEVED IN NORTH DAKOTA

DEAR DESPERATE: Get your mother alone, sit her down, and say, "Mom, this is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do, but I have to play this tape for you because our family is being destroyed." Her reaction to the tape will tell you what her future is with your stepfather -- and with you.

DEAR ABBY: My youngest stepdaughter is being married in mid-June. Her father and I are hosting a catered reception following the ceremony. We did the same thing for his other two daughters.

We are requesting that guests RSVP two weeks before the big day. My fear is that people will do what they did for the other girls' weddings -- either fail to RSVP and then show up anyway, or RSVP that they're coming and then not attend.

The first time around, we planned for 100 and only 25 showed up -- causing wasted food and expense. For the next wedding, we planned only for the 40 who RSVP'd their acceptance -- and twice as many showed up! It was awful. Many guests didn't get to eat. How can we guarantee that people will RSVP and then follow through? My husband and I are already going to financial extremes to make this a memorable and happy event. -- STEPMOTHER OF THE BRIDE IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST

DEAR STEPMOTHER: Invited guests who have not responded should be called prior to notifying the caterers of the final count. If the task is daunting, several people should do the calling.

It's sad that in this day and age, people do not seem to understand the importance of responding promptly, and following through if they have given their word -- particularly when the affair involves a large financial commitment on the part of the host.

DEAR ABBY: I have a crush on "Carl," a guy in one of my classes. My problem is, I can't get him to notice me. We are totally alike but he hasn't yet realized it, and he isn't giving me the attention I'd like.

Abby, I have done everything I can think of to get Carl to look my way. I even wore a T-shirt with his name on it, and dyed my blond hair his favorite color (blue). What should I do now? -- WANTS HIM BAD IN ARIZONA

DEAR WANTS: You've already done enough. I'm sure he's noticed you, but now it's time to step back, be a little less flamboyant -- and let Carl do the pursuing.

DEAR ABBY: I have a crush on "Carl," a guy in one of my classes. My problem is, I can't get him to notice me. We are totally alike but he hasn't yet realized it, and he isn't giving me the attention I'd like.

Abby, I have done everything I can think of to get Carl to look my way. I even wore a T-shirt with his name on it, and dyed my blond hair his favorite color (blue). What should I do now? -- WANTS HIM BAD IN ARIZONA

DEAR WANTS: You've already done enough. I'm sure he's noticed you, but now it's time to step back, be a little less flamboyant -- and let Carl do the pursuing.

DEAR ABBY: My ex-wife, "Jan," and I work for the same company. Before I filed for divorce, I secretly began dating her co-worker, "Carol." After the papers were filed, Jan moved out and, being upset, needed someone to talk to. She chose Carol to confide in.

Carol, not wanting to expose that we were lovers, gave Jan a sympathetic ear. At one point, Jan told Carol that she was her "best friend." Carol would sometimes call my wife to find out what her plans were on a particular night so our paths wouldn't cross if she and I were out on a date. Jan unknowingly baby-sat for Carol's children so we could sneak out.

Carol eventually broke up with me and wants to remain friends with Jan. Jan still does not know about our affair. This seems like the ultimate form of deceit.

Should I tell my ex-wife what really went on -- or keep my mouth shut? -- TORN BETWEEN TWO EX-LOVERS

DEAR TORN: Confession is good for the soul. By all means tell your ex the truth. You'll be doing her a favor. She thinks Carol is her friend instead of the opportunist she really is. A person who will betray you once will think nothing of doing it again. (You should know!)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 47-year-old divorced mother of two boys. My ex split four years ago, and for the past two years I've been dating a wonderful man I'll call Ron.

My 80-year-old mother met Ron early on and says she cannot stand him. She can't give me a reason, but insults him to his face, which is every bit as insulting to me. I love Ron and want to marry him, but Mother is making it impossible. She constantly makes demeaning remarks about him to my boys.

Ron is urging me to limit the amount of time the kids and I spend with Mother. However, I am an only child and she never lets me forget I'm "all she has." Abby, I love Ron -- and so do my boys -- but Mom is making all of us miserable. Help! -- CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE IN TEXAS

DEAR CAUGHT: Now is the time to be strong and nip this in the bud. Tell your mother that you and the boys are no longer all she has. She has Ron, too. She can accept him as the man you love and be part of your "one big happy family," or she can risk isolating herself by putting him down and trying to control you. The choice is hers.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Gene," retired 10 years ago. During his long career, he wore a suit and tie every day. Although Gene was never a slave to fashion, he showered and shaved, used a deodorant and put on clean underwear every day.

Since Gene's retirement, his attention to personal hygiene has deteriorated. He showers, shaves and changes his clothes only once or twice a week. I have to constantly change our bedding and use room freshener on the pillows, sofa cushions, etc.

I have tried presenting myself as a "role model," telling my husband how good it makes me feel to be clean and start "fresh" every day, hoping he'll get the message. But he thinks I'm being obsessive. Abby, what should I do? -- WANTING A CLEAN GENE IN A LAS VEGAS SUBURB

DEAR WANTING: It's time to talk to your husband's doctor. Changes in personal hygiene can be a symptom of serious depression. Your husband's whole identity may have been tied to his job -- and now needs help. He needs a mental and physical evaluation by his doctor. Marriage and individual counseling could also benefit you both. Please don't wait.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My live-in girlfriend, "Penny," and I are in our mid-30s. We have two young daughters from previous relationships. My problem is Penny's mother, "Marge," who insists on being included in everything we do. We can't make a move without Marge demanding to know what we did, where we went, who we met, etc. She even wants to know what we ate if we go out for a meal!

Penny's mom invites herself on our shopping trips, to the movies and dinners out. If we do something without letting her know, we'll come home to multiple messages on the answering machine from Marge, using the excuse that she "worries" when she doesn't know where we are.

What I don't understand is the fact that this woman has a husband at home. Why she can't leave us alone, I'll never know. It's to the point that I am rethinking my future with her daughter, because I don't want to hang with "Mom" all the time. Please advise. -- THREE'S A CROWD IN SOUTHERN IDAHO

DEAR THREE'S A CROWD: It appears that Marge's life has become so centered on Penny that she has no other social outlets. It is interesting to me that she and Penny's father do not seem to have a social life of their own, and makes me wonder what she could be running from.

Penny and her mother could benefit from counseling together. While a close mother/daughter bond is important, you have described one in which the mother has become obsessive. Both of them need to understand that this behavior could cost Penny her relationship with you.

Please don't end the relationship yet. Your lady needs to learn how to set boundaries, and she needs your support now more than ever.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter's preschool teacher sent the following letter home last week. If you think it would benefit your readers, would you please consider printing it? -- A PARENT IN TEXAS

DEAR PARENT: The message in that letter is powerful. I hope other parents will heed it. Read on:

"Dear Parents: Today I attended the funeral of my 3-week-old niece. She died of suffocation in bed with her mother, her father and her 2-year-old sister.

"I don't need to tell you the shock and sorrow this tragedy has caused. As parents, we can only imagine such a nightmare. It will take a lifetime of healing and God's grace to get past this.

"Although my niece's death was tragic, she didn't die in vain if, through her death, other lives can be saved.

"I know it's popular and natural to gather your children into bed with you -- whether for their safety and security, for bonding, or just to get a good night's sleep. We've all been there.

"So, it isn't out of judgment or criticism that I write this note but only out of caution -- a warning. Be careful. It CAN happen. It happened to my family. Please, don't let it happen to yours."

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)