DEAR ABBY: I am a 32-year-old gay man who lives with my partner in a large condominium complex. Another gay man, "Nigel," lives down the hall. We do not socialize. Nigel is in his late 40s, and I have a strong aversion to him because he informs anyone who'll listen about his sexual escapades.

I recently ran into Nigel in the elevator, and he started boasting about a fling he's having with a 16-year-old boy who lives two floors below. As we stepped into the lobby, Nigel waved to the boy's mother, then laughingly told me under his breath that she regards him as just "a neighbor friend who kindly drives her son to school."

Abby, please urge your readers to get to know who their children are spending time with. They should make it a point to meet all their children's friends in person, and never permit their kids to go out with "friends" they haven't met.

Is there anything I can do about Nigel and that boy? Should I call the authorities? I feel this monster is taking advantage of a minor and should be stopped. -- NO NAME, CITY OR STATE

DEAR NO NAME, CITY OR STATE: What Nigel is doing is child abuse. Tell the boy's mother what Nigel told you. She needs to know what's going on. It's up to her to report it to the police.

DEAR ABBY: Recently, while "under the influence" at a party, "Ray," a friend of my boyfriend, "Pete," tried to kiss me. I avoided Ray for the rest of the evening and have not told anyone about the incident. The trouble is, my boyfriend has told me more than once that if he ever found out any of his friends had made a move on me, he'd hurt him badly.

I don't know if I should tell Pete what happened and try to explain that Ray was drunk and didn't know what he was doing. I don't think Ray would ever try anything like that while sober, so I'm tempted to keep quiet -- so no one gets hurt. However, I have never kept a secret from my boyfriend before, and I'm worried that if he finds out, he might think I kissed Ray back. What do you think I should do, Abby? -- NOT A PARTY GIRL IN ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR NOT A PARTY GIRL: Don't tell him. I am concerned because it appears that your boyfriend has a violent and/or intimidating streak. You should be able to confide in him without feeling threatened.

I urge you to rethink your relationship with both of these young men, and the kind of parties you are attending.

DEAR ABBY: Just before Christmas, I found evidence on our computer that my husband was cheating. New proof continues to appear, though less frequently.

I am financially dependent on my spouse, physically unable to work, and my elderly mother lives with us. She is completely dependent on me for her care. Financially, I cannot afford to leave or ask my husband to leave. I'm afraid to let on that I know about his infidelity, but don't know how much longer I can keep silent. The hurt and anger are eating me alive. What should I do? -- HUMILIATED IN THE ROCKY MOUNTAINS

DEAR HUMILIATED: The stress of caring for your mother may have affected both you and your husband. If you continue to suffer in silence, it's only a matter of time until you explode -- which would be counterproductive. Tell your husband calmly that you know what's been going on. Explain that you would like the both of you to get marriage counseling to heal the breach that has developed in your relationship. Marriages can be saved after an infidelity if both parties are willing to work on it.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a young man with a burning question: Does an engagement ring have to be a diamond? I'm not ready to pop the question yet, but I'd like to know just the same. -- GEMSTONE INQUIRER IN ILLINOIS

DEAR INQUIRER: I took your burning question to Carol Brodie, director of global communications for Harry Winston Jewelers. Our conversation was fascinating. She says the tradition of giving a diamond as an engagement ring began in 1477, when Archduke Maximillian of Hamburg presented one to Mary of Burgundy. At that time, diamonds were regarded as "charms" that would enhance the love of a husband for his wife.

In more recent times, diamonds were the logical choice because their hardness equates to durability. However, it is not the only choice; much depends on the woman's taste. Rubies, sapphires and colored diamonds (pink, yellow, etc.) are also popular. (Because emeralds are the softest of the precious stones, they are not recommended for use as engagement rings.)

It goes without saying that fine jewelry should be purchased only from a reputable jeweler. The Better Business Bureau can recommend one if you need a referral.

A final thought: Although the idea of presenting a ring (on bended knee) might seem romantic, most modern women prefer to be part of the selection process. A practical way to arrange it is to call the jeweler ahead of time and arrange for a selection of stones in your price range to be shown to both of you.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 23-year-old mother of two boys, ages 4 and 2. I left their father because of spousal abuse, and I suspect he molested my oldest son, "Doug." Because I was never able to prove it, our mediator ignored it.

Now my son shows signs of damage. I see his pain and anger, and I don't know how to help him. Some of the things he does scare me, and I am afraid one day he will hurt himself or his little brother.

Doug talks as though his dreams are reality. One minute he will walk into my bedroom and say, "I love you, Mom." However, as he walks out the door, he growls in anger. He tells neighbors that I killed his dad. He has to have his blankets perfectly centered on his bed while he sleeps. He covers his brother's mouth so he can't scream. He says there are people in his room -- the list goes on and on. I don't know what's going on in his mind or how he feels inside. Sometimes Doug screams and cries for so long I get scared someone will think I'm beating him, because he makes sure everyone can hear him. I don't know what to do. Please help. -- AT MY WIT'S END IN CENTRAL CALIFORNIA

DEAR WIT'S END: Although some of what you have described may be considered "normal," the combination of behaviors has me concerned. Since you suspect Doug was abused, I urge you to contact his pediatrician and schedule a complete evaluation -- and, if necessary, a referral to a psychiatrist who specializes in children. The sooner the better.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my second year of college and have a wonderful girlfriend back home. She's the smartest, most sincere person I've ever known. I love her.

The problem is, I am attracted to nearly every girl I meet here at school. Several have pursued me and offered "everything." I have taken some of them up on their offer, but it leaves me feeling guilty. At the same time, I want to keep having fun. What should I do? -- CONFUSED IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR CONFUSED: You are clearly not ready to make any long-term commitments to anyone. Do the honorable thing. Tell your girlfriend you feel it is in both your interests to date others. You'll be doing her a favor.

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DEAR ABBY: "Allison," the daughter of a longtime friend, is being married in grand fashion this summer. Another friend and I planned to give her a kitchen and tool shower in the spring. The other day, Allison called and told me she didn't think the theme we chose would "net" her the caliber of gifts she wants. Then she had the nerve to tell me to change the theme to a crystal, silver and china shower.

My friend and I are hurt that Allison doesn't consider our party plan to be good enough. We don't want to alienate Allison or her family, but we also think she needs to learn a lesson about being a gracious recipient. The invitations announcing the original theme have already been printed. We would like your objective opinion about what to do. -- MIFFED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR MIFFED: Inform the bride-to-be that the invitations have already been printed and it's too late to change the theme. This doesn't mean you're throwing cold water on Allison's wish to receive "high-caliber" gifts. It simply means another friend, aunt or cousin will have the honor of hosting an additional shower with a theme of Allison's choosing.

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of a 9-year-old boy. Are there any specific signs I should look for regarding when he is ready to be told the facts of life? His friends at school told him that kissing is "having sex." I am afraid our son will get the wrong idea, because he sees his father and me kissing several times every day. -- MILWAUKEE MOM

DEAR MOM: The time to talk to your son is now, before he absorbs any more misinformation from his friends. Children are maturing earlier than ever before. Add to that the messages they get -- both spoken and unspoken -- from living in our society, and regrettably, the fantasy of an "innocent childhood" is laughable. Parents should be mindful of this, and start the discussion when the opportunity arises.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Hector," showed up at my office the day before Valentine's Day with a dozen red roses. I was thrilled, because we'd been having major "relationship issues," and he hadn't given me flowers in ages.

When Hector handed me the bouquet, he informed me that he had extracted two roses for the receptionists at the front desk. When I told him he shouldn't have, his answer was, "You should be happy I'm nice to your co-workers -- they're probably envious that you have such a good man." At that point I asked him who he was trying to impress -- them or me?

To make matters worse, Hector then announced that the next day (Valentine's Day) he would be hooking up with a female friend who was in town. He planned to take her, his brother and another female friend out to dinner. I was not included. To add insult to injury, Hector had the nerve to ask me to baby-sit his brother's kids. The out-of-town friend is someone we have both known for years, but every time she visits, my "boyfriend" excludes me. What do you make of all this? Sign me ... DITCHED IN DEL MAR, CALIF.

DEAR DITCHED: Wake up and smell the flowers. Hector likes to impress many ladies and is not ready to make an exclusive commitment to you or anyone. Be grateful you found out now, and move on. Your signature says it all. You have, indeed, been ditched.

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