DEAR ABBY: My husband's teenage son, "Danny," recently came to live with us. His mother has remarried and moved 2,000 miles away. Danny will visit her for a month this summer. Danny is basically a good kid, gets good grades, and appears to be making some nice friends at school and in the neighborhood.

The problem is, he's messy and I'm a perfectionist. I try to ignore the dirty clothes strewn across his bedroom floor, the food wrappers, the wet towels in the tub, etc. Although my husband is talking to Danny about the mess and there has been slight improvement, I was raised differently, Abby. I often find myself getting furiously angry. I am afraid I am going to say or do something I will regret, and I don't want to jeopardize my relationship with Danny.

Can you suggest some ways to channel my anger? Do you have any ideas? -- TINA IN TENNESSEE

DEAR TINA: You've already taken the most important step -- recognizing your anger and what's triggering it. You want to avoid yelling at Danny or breaking things. Some suggestions: Walk away from the cause of your anger. Leave the room, leave the house if necessary, until you have regained control. Write a letter in which you express your feelings. You may never give that letter to Danny -- in fact, you probably shouldn't -- but you will feel 100 percent better once you have gotten it out of your system. Be sure to show your letter to your husband. He should know to what degree Danny's habits are affecting you.

There are other healthy, acceptable ways to express anger. I have incorporated some of them in my booklet, "The Anger in All of Us, and How to Deal With It." It can be ordered by sending a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0477. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a man who believes in equality, but I seldom find it with the women I date. I work full time, cook, clean, wash clothes, iron, shop, etc. I don't believe there is such a thing as "woman's work." The women I know agree with this philosophy, but have a problem accepting that there is no such thing as "man's work" either.

I believe in equal pay for equal work -- with which my dates agree. But when the concept of sharing expenses is proposed, my idea of "fairness" is not well received. For example, if I buy a woman dinner on Friday night, I believe she should pay for my dinner on Saturday. If I drive one weekend, she should drive the next.

I have been called cheap, biased, and even obscene names. What's a modern man to do? -- PUZZLED IN A SMALL STATE

DEAR PUZZLED: A modern man should take into consideration whether or not the women he's dating have approximately the same income he does. All things being equal, I subscribe to your philosophy. However, it shouldn't be set in concrete as you have stated it. If the lady doesn't take you to dinner, she might reciprocate in another way: cooking dinner for you, taking you to a movie, making a picnic for the beach or a ballgame. I do differ with you on one point, however: Driving alone at night can be dangerous for women. You should provide the transportation.

DEAR ABBY: A young married woman said she and her mother were at odds about the tradition of tossing the bouquet and bride's garter at weddings. You said, "Because catching a bouquet or garter is no guarantee the person will be the next to marry (it's 'up for grabs'), I see no reason why any guest should be excluded."

Well, I disagree! I perform disc jockey and video services for weddings. I have seen little girls and boys with bloody noses, skinned knees and elbows, etc. Would you send an 8-year-old to play football at your local college? For liability reasons, I specifically note in my contract that if the bride insists on including guests under 16, I am not liable for injuries. Insurance companies don't like to cover stupidity.

Please rethink this one, Abby! -- BRENT YACIW, WESLEY CHAPEL, FLA.

DEAR BRENT: Your point is well taken. I received a ton of terrific mail on tossing wedding bouquets and garters, and will share as much of it as possible:

DEAR ABBY: The custom is tacky and should be eliminated. It's embarrassing to singles who are dragged onto the floor by well-meaning friends and family. It's almost as bad as watching the new couple smash cake in each other's face. -- J.H., MELROSE, N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: When I married, I had a candy toss for anyone 12 or under. It worked wonderfully. The kids had fun and were part of the festivities. -- JENNIFER IN FREMONT, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: For guests 16 and under, we tossed a teddy bear dressed like a bride, and did the same for the boys with a groom bear. -- BECKY IN HURST, TEXAS

DEAR ABBY: I am a florist. Many brides order a small bouquet to toss to the little girls, and they either toss their own bouquet or an extra (large) one to the big girls. -- RON D., BELLEVILLE, ILL.

DEAR ABBY: The custom is, whoever catches the garter must put it high on the leg of the woman who catches the bouquet. At one wedding I attended, a 9-year-old boy caught the garter and then sat at the feet of the lady who caught the bouquet and sobbed for 10 minutes because he was so humiliated. Children should not be subjected to this. -- KATHY IN FORT LEE, N.J.

DEAR ABBY: As the mother of two little girls, I do not want anyone touching their legs. As a wedding DJ, here's how I handle the garter toss: I have the little girl sit in a chair with her arms out and her hands in a prayer position. I then give the male the garter and he has three chances to toss it over her hands. No one is touched, and it's perfectly innocent. The kids love it. Remember, kids are just adults in training. -- LORI LEE, A DJ IN HORSEHEADS, N.Y.

DEAR ABBY: I have been a caterer for more than 20 years. A classy alternative is this one: The bridal couple asks all married guests to stand. Then, in multiples of five or 10 years, they are asked to sit down when asked the length of their marriage. The couple married the longest is awarded the bouquet and garter to the applause of everyone. -- MIKE F., ANKENY, IOWA

DEAR READERS: I learn so much from you. Thank you for all your suggestions, and for the privilege of doing a job I love. -- XXX, ABBY

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old college student. I first met "Andy" in my freshman year. We became good friends and shared a fair amount of time with each other. I became very fond of him after several months of dinners, going to Mass each week and studying together. I finally asked Andy point-blank where our relationship was headed. He responded that relationships "evolve."

Although I'm in no hurry to rush into anything, I wouldn't mind a little kiss from Andy now and then. He is very courteous and caring when we're together. He calls our get-togethers "appointments," and if he has to break one (which has happened only twice in two years) he is very apologetic.

My question: In developing a serious relationship, how slow is too slow? -- PERPLEXED SOMEWHERE IN FLORIDA

DEAR PERPLEXED: THIS is too slow. Andy appears to be a master of the noncommittal understatement. He has a way with words, but they're not the words you want to hear. You are both young, and you clearly want more than Andy wants to offer. I suggest you look elsewhere if you're looking for romance.

DEAR ABBY: Excuse me? Did I detect the perception of a correlation between "uncool" and "being in the high school band" in recent letters in your column?

I played baritone horn in school band and married my childhood sweetheart, a tuba player, 22 years ago. We gave birth to a French horn-playing daughter and a trombone-playing son, both all-state band musicians. Our homegrown brass quartet plays together in churches, at festivals and in our local community band, and I arrange music for us.

Can life even get any cooler than being able to share brass with your entire family? As they say (to paraphrase just a bit), "The family that PLAYS together, STAYS together!" My advice to your school-age readers is, don't bypass those band people! Our kind of "cool" holds up over time. -- KAY IN BASS CLEF, MILFORD, DEL.

DEAR KAY: It certainly does. Through music, your children have learned more than the value of teamwork -- you live together in beautiful harmony. What a gift!

DEAR ABBY: I am a 75-year-old married man. Recently a good friend of mine died. He is survived by his wife.

Is it proper for me to call her on a regular basis to see how she is getting along? Would it be more correct to just call her once in a while? Please let me know. -- FRED IN FLORIDA

DEAR FRED: You are a caring friend. It's fine to call her on a regular basis as long as you call her together with your wife.

You and your wife should also, as a couple, invite her out occasionally. Sometimes after a death, friends seem to pull back just when their friendship and support are most needed. I'm sure your friend's widow will appreciate being both remembered and included.

TO MY IRISH READERS: Happy St. Patrick's Day:

May there always be work for your hands to do.

May your purse always hold a coin or two.

May the sun always shine on your windowpane.

May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain.

May the hand of a friend always be near you.

May God fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)