DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Unhappy in North Carolina," who decided with her husband, after three years of marriage, to have a child but is now unhappy, caused me to write. You homed in on her statement, "What I thought would make us both happy and bring us closer actually did the opposite." You wondered if the husband felt trapped and pushed into unwanted fatherhood. I'm not so sure.

Other phrases in her letter jumped out at me: "Our son is now 16 months old and the apple of my eye," "We both changed with my pregnancy," and "Jeff is a great father but a lousy husband."

Abby, having your first child changes everything. A woman's concept of herself changes dramatically, from a spontaneous, carefree individual to a matronly mother with new responsibilities. "Unhappy" appears to be in love with her son, which is normal, but often the father feels left out emotionally and resentful of the relationship between mother and child. Threesomes are always difficult. Jeff is doing all the things a man who wants a family is supposed to do, i.e., working hard at his job and buying a home in a good neighborhood.

I think the wife is not admitting her role in the problem and is putting the sole blame on her husband. If he refuses to go to counseling with her, she should go alone, so she can learn to reconnect with her husband. If she does, I suspect it won't take long for him to warm up and stop picking fights with her. Their son will be the winner when they realize they can have a marriage and still have love left for their child. -- BEEN THERE IN MARYLAND

DEAR BEEN THERE: Thank you for the first-person insight. You were not the only reader to offer it. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter from the unhappy new mother. My husband, "Carl," and I experienced the same problems. After our precious daughter was born, Carl was distant, and we fought more than we had before. I was convinced it was all his fault. We were ready to separate until, in a last-ditch effort to save our marriage, I sought counseling.

With the counselor's help, I realized I had blamed my husband for everything that went wrong and didn't recognize the degree to which I was neglecting him. I had forgotten that Carl needed time with me as much as the baby did, and I had put my job as mother ahead of everything -- even our marriage.

In my desire to be a good mother, I had become a bad wife and made Carl feel he was inadequate for not caring for the baby exactly the way I would have -- not changing enough diapers and not appreciating me. I was so focused on our baby, I lost sight of the fact that I had changed as much as I had accused my poor husband of changing.

A year of counseling helped us to work through the rough patch. A quick anecdote to close: I got the greatest compliment at the doctor's office yesterday. I was talking to Carl on my cell phone, closing our conversation with "I love you," and "Can't wait to see you so we can talk some more." After I hung up, the receptionist said, "You newlyweds are so cute!" (We've been married for 10 years.)

See, Abby? When you give a little, you get a little. But when you give a lot, you get a lot! -- STILL CRAZY ABOUT HIM AFTER ALL THESE YEARS

DEAR "CRAZY" (LIKE A FOX): Well said!

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 17-year-old girl. About a month ago, I met a wonderful guy, "Adam," who treats me like a queen. He's 18. My parents like him and so do all my friends. Adam is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. He is a singer in a local band and all the girls are crazy for him. I am amazed that he wants to be with someone like me.

Lately, Adam has been talking about marriage and hinting that it's me he wants to marry. I told him I'd think about it -- but the more I do, the more confused I get. I really like him, but I'm not sure I want to be married right out of high school. I only have a few months until I turn 18 and graduate -- then I have to decide what I want to do with the rest of my life. The thought is overwhelming. Can you help me? -- TURBULENT TEEN IN WYOMING

DEAR TURBULENT TEEN: Follow your instincts. You appear to be an intelligent young lady with a lot to offer. I see no reason to rush to the altar. Adam may be a terrific young man with a great future, but do not allow yourself to be talked into anything. Get more training and education. Marry no one until you are self-supporting.

DEAR ABBY: I am a healthy and attractive 68-year-old widow. For a month last summer, I dated a wonderful 65-year-old man. In that short time, I fell in love with him, but he went back to another woman he had dated before me.

My heart has been broken ever since. I have not been able to get this man off my mind. We attend a number of the same social functions in town, and each time I see him, it destroys me. There are very few single men my age, so finding a new companion is not an easy task.

I am a busy, productive lady, but I carry my thoughts everywhere I go. It feels like an obsession. Never in all my life have I felt like this. I cannot continue in this state of mind. Please help. -- ONE-TRACK MIND SOMEWHERE IN WISCONSIN

DEAR ONE-TRACK MIND: You have my sympathy. You may need professional counseling to get beyond this, and I hope you'll waste no time in getting it. It would also be helpful if you found (at least temporarily) other social activities where you can meet new people and not be haunted by the ghost of last summer's romance.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single mom with a 7-year-old son, "Jason." We're new to the neighborhood, but Jason has made friends with three boys from a family who lives across the street. The kids are great, and they all play well together.

However, the boys' mother is irresponsible and cannot be trusted. I know for a fact that she steals from stores and dabbles in illegal substances. I want my son to have friends, but I refuse to allow him to play at their home. Am I wrong? How should I explain this to the boys' mother if she asks why Jason isn't allowed to come over? -- MICHIGAN MOM

DEAR MICHIGAN MOM: You're not wrong. You're a mother who has her priorities straight. If the woman asks you why you want the children at your home, tell her with a smile that you feel more secure if you are supervising them. It's the truth -- but don't be surprised if it's a question she never asks.

More to the point is the question you did NOT ask. If the boys' mother is into drugs and thievery, you would be doing the boys a favor to notify Child Protective Services. You can ask that your name not be used.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: "Sleep-Deprived in the Midwest" complained that she and her husband quarreled because he would wake her at 3 or 4 in the morning demanding sex, even though she had to get up for work by 7 a.m. If she refused, he would give her the silent treatment. You advised marriage counseling.

I recently divorced a man who had the same habit. I think you missed something in her letter. She mentioned that her husband is unemployed.

My ex was also unemployed for most of our marriage. She's the breadwinner, as was I. I suspect there is a connection between the two. It may be a control issue. I believe my ex's demands for sex at odd hours had a lot to do with his feeling he needed to show me that he was in control in some area of our lives.

"Sleep-Deprived" needs to get that issue addressed before her marriage is affected any further. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, AND GLAD I'M OUT IN N.Y.

DEAR B.T., D.T. AND GLAD: You may be right. However, not everyone viewed the problem as you did. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Instead of complaining, that woman should count her blessings. I have learned to accept my husband for the way he is, and not for what I think he should be. I, too, work a traditional schedule. We have an agreement that works for us. There are times when he will lie down with me until I fall asleep -- then he gets up and reads or works on his hobbies until he is ready for bed. I urge that wife to find a healthy and comfortable compromise. If she does, her marriage will be better for it. -- LARK WITH AN OWL IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR LARK: I agree, the key is compromise.

DEAR ABBY: I'm glad you suggested counseling. I hope it works. My husband and I have been married 10 years. We were both married before to partners who didn't think sex was important.

When one of us is in the mood, the other one doesn't just oblige, but races to the bedroom and lets the romantic one "get us in the mood." Ironically, I am usually the one who wakes my husband at 3 a.m.

A suggestion I might offer to the wife: Why not seduce HIM earlier in the evening, so that by 3 a.m. he's sound asleep and not waking you? -- D.L. IN OREGON

DEAR D.L.: I like the way you think.

DEAR ABBY: Good God, Maude! She should plan on going to bed an hour early! Fix a gourmet snack to eat in bed. Pour two drinks. Drag him into the bedroom and show him the kind of time the two of them had on their honeymoon. After he drops dead from the shock, she can sleep undisturbed forever after. -- BRUCE IN FLORIDA

DEAR BRUCE: Thank you for adding the male perspective.

DEAR ABBY: Many years ago, my spouse also woke me on a regular basis. I adore him, but I need at least 6 1/2 hours of uninterrupted sleep a night. Since these occasions revved my metabolic rate, making sleep afterward impossible, I engaged him in recalling every detail related to President Nixon -- his dog's name, Watergate, his personal habits, his lovely wife, Pat, their daughters and their weddings, etc.

My poor darling was so tired, he slept through the following night. Each time I was awakened, I made sure we talked about Nixon.

For some reason, he almost never wakes me now. It's worth a try. -- A SISTER IN SEATTLE

DEAR SISTER: Water torture would be kinder.

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