DEAR ABBY: "Sleep-Deprived in the Midwest" complained that she and her husband quarreled because he would wake her at 3 or 4 in the morning demanding sex, even though she had to get up for work by 7 a.m. If she refused, he would give her the silent treatment. You advised marriage counseling.

I recently divorced a man who had the same habit. I think you missed something in her letter. She mentioned that her husband is unemployed.

My ex was also unemployed for most of our marriage. She's the breadwinner, as was I. I suspect there is a connection between the two. It may be a control issue. I believe my ex's demands for sex at odd hours had a lot to do with his feeling he needed to show me that he was in control in some area of our lives.

"Sleep-Deprived" needs to get that issue addressed before her marriage is affected any further. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, AND GLAD I'M OUT IN N.Y.

DEAR B.T., D.T. AND GLAD: You may be right. However, not everyone viewed the problem as you did. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Instead of complaining, that woman should count her blessings. I have learned to accept my husband for the way he is, and not for what I think he should be. I, too, work a traditional schedule. We have an agreement that works for us. There are times when he will lie down with me until I fall asleep -- then he gets up and reads or works on his hobbies until he is ready for bed. I urge that wife to find a healthy and comfortable compromise. If she does, her marriage will be better for it. -- LARK WITH AN OWL IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR LARK: I agree, the key is compromise.

DEAR ABBY: I'm glad you suggested counseling. I hope it works. My husband and I have been married 10 years. We were both married before to partners who didn't think sex was important.

When one of us is in the mood, the other one doesn't just oblige, but races to the bedroom and lets the romantic one "get us in the mood." Ironically, I am usually the one who wakes my husband at 3 a.m.

A suggestion I might offer to the wife: Why not seduce HIM earlier in the evening, so that by 3 a.m. he's sound asleep and not waking you? -- D.L. IN OREGON

DEAR D.L.: I like the way you think.

DEAR ABBY: Good God, Maude! She should plan on going to bed an hour early! Fix a gourmet snack to eat in bed. Pour two drinks. Drag him into the bedroom and show him the kind of time the two of them had on their honeymoon. After he drops dead from the shock, she can sleep undisturbed forever after. -- BRUCE IN FLORIDA

DEAR BRUCE: Thank you for adding the male perspective.

DEAR ABBY: Many years ago, my spouse also woke me on a regular basis. I adore him, but I need at least 6 1/2 hours of uninterrupted sleep a night. Since these occasions revved my metabolic rate, making sleep afterward impossible, I engaged him in recalling every detail related to President Nixon -- his dog's name, Watergate, his personal habits, his lovely wife, Pat, their daughters and their weddings, etc.

My poor darling was so tired, he slept through the following night. Each time I was awakened, I made sure we talked about Nixon.

For some reason, he almost never wakes me now. It's worth a try. -- A SISTER IN SEATTLE

DEAR SISTER: Water torture would be kinder.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: Your readers often express concerns about America's health-care system. However, one problem doesn't get enough attention: More than 41 million Americans are without health insurance. This includes more than 8 million children. In March, hundreds of national organizations will work together to spotlight this problem.

The uninsured pay a high price for not having health coverage. They often live with prolonged illness and skip lifesaving medical screenings. Their children do not get adequate medical care.

Please urge your readers to join me during "Cover the Uninsured Week," March 10-16, 2003. During this time, a series of national and local activities to increase discussion of the issue will be featured.

To learn more about this, to find resources to help the uninsured and discover simple ways to get involved, visit: www.CoverTheUninsured.org.

Abby, thank you for informing your readers about this unprecedented awareness campaign. -- RISA LAVIZZO-MOUREY, M.D., PRESIDENT, THE ROBERT WOOD JOHNSON FOUNDATION

DEAR DR. LAVIZZO-MOUREY: You're welcome. I am pleased to promote your awareness campaign in the hope that concerned readers will get involved. It's a disgrace that in a country as wealthy and powerful as ours, millions of people are without access to medical care.

DEAR ABBY: Please settle an ongoing debate between me and a friend: When is the appropriate time to end conversations at the movie theater? Should they end when the lights go down and the screen lights up, or is it OK to talk through the previews until the feature begins? -- MOVIE-MANNERS SEEKER

DEAR MOVIE-MANNERS SEEKER: Conversation should cease when the lights go down and the previews begin. (Sometimes they are better than the full-length movies.) Silence is considered a sign of respect for those seated around you and will be appreciated.

P.S. Cell phones and pagers should also be turned off.

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letters about doctors who dislike being asked medical questions in social settings, I had to write.

Anytime you include a job description such as doctor or lawyer with your name, you can expect questions regarding your profession. It happens to everyone.

Speaking as a real estate investment adviser, I can assure you that even doctors try to get free advice. The same thing happens to accountants, carpenters, painters, police personnel, nurses and just about everybody else.

It should come as a surprise to no one. It is called CONVERSATION. -- HAPPY TALK IN WINNETKA, ILL.

DEAR HAPPY TALK: You're right. Many people ask questions as a way of showing interest and starting conversations. It happens to advice columnists, too. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: After reading about doctors getting asked for free advice, I would like to offer my father's response when asked what he did for a living.

He would say, "I follow the medical profession."

"Oh, you're a doctor?"

"No, I'm a mortician."

At that point the questioners usually changed the subject. -- RUTH STRAND, RANCHO MIRAGE, CALIF.

DEAR RUTH: Too bad. Death is the one thing we will all have in common.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: "Janice" and I have been friends for nearly 10 years. A few months ago, her husband, "Jimmy," confided to my husband he was having an affair and planned to leave Janice and the children to live with his lover. Jimmy swore my husband to secrecy, but of course my husband told me everything. There are no secrets in our home.

Jimmy told Janice only that he wanted a separation. She was devastated. In the meantime, Jimmy's lover left him and went back to her husband. Because Jimmy didn't want to be alone, he stayed with Janice, saying he had changed his mind about the separation and wanted to work things out.

Janice has no idea what her husband has been up to. She thinks his wanting to leave was all her fault. Now she's bending over backward trying to make Jimmy's life as comfortable and cozy as possible so he won't want to separate again.

It makes me sick to see that louse get away with it, while my friend is walking on eggshells. I'm having a hard time keeping quiet. Every time I'm around Janice I practically bite my tongue off! Should I tell her the truth? -- CONCERNED FRIEND IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST

DEAR CONCERNED FRIEND: Recognize that if you tell her, there will be a nuclear explosion -- and the fallout will land on you and your husband.

That said, Janice should know that her husband has a wandering eye and that it's "possible" while her husband was "considering separation," he had sex with someone else. Encourage Janice to be tested for sexually transmitted diseases (STDs) as a precaution. She deserves to know so she can protect herself, because I predict it's only a matter of time until her husband strays again.

DEAR ABBY: I am a twice-married woman about to turn 30, with a wonderful husband and three beautiful sons. We own our home, have two nice cars, food on the table and clothes on our backs. However, I'm feeling like my life is in a black hole and I'm desperate to get out.

I am the primary caregiver for my mother, who is in the early stages of Alzheimer's. I am about to lose my job of 12 years due to downsizing, and our financial situation will definitely take a downturn when I'm unemployed.

My father (who is in ailing health) lives out of town, and although I'd love to visit him, going there with my husband and kids is just too hard.

During the past year, I gained a great deal of weight and can't seem to find the time or energy to get it off. I have severe migraines and feel like a time bomb waiting to explode.

Any advice on how to pull one's self up from the pits, Abby? Lately I have experienced more than one occasion of wanting to run away -- and that in itself frightens the living daylights out of me. Please help. -- ON THE BRINK OF DISASTER IN SOUTHERN UTAH

DEAR ON THE BRINK: Considering everything that's going on in your life, it's no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed. You appear to be experiencing a combination of stress, depression and caregiver burnout. A good place to start finding remedies is your doctor. Call and schedule an exam and truth session.

Also, contact the nearest chapter of the Alzheimer's Association for the location of a senior respite-care facility for your mother. You appear to be a conscientious wife, mother and daughter, but even the best of us sometimes need a helping hand. Good luck.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)