DEAR ABBY: My son, "Stan," and his wife, "Meg," do not have the best of marriages. When they fight, they have mouths that should be washed out, bleached and rinsed with holy water. I have a granddaughter who is 7 and a 10-year-old grandson who have seen and heard things no kids should.

I have scolded Stan and Meg for using obscenities in front of their children. My son was not raised this way, but when I speak my mind, Meg says she's the mama -- not me.

I am a firm believer that children learn by example, and my grandchildren are not being provided a good one. When the kids are with their granddad and me, we try to instill values and explain things to them when they ask. I just hope they grow up understanding that not everyone lives and talks the way their parents do. Your thoughts, please. -- CARING GRANDMA IN A LITTLE TEXAS TOWN

DEAR CARING GRANDMA: I agree that, for better or worse, youngsters learn more from the example their parents set than from any lecture. Your grandchildren are being done a tremendous disserve. They are being taught that verbal abuse and profanity are normal. By indulging themselves in this behavior, your son and his wife are shirking their parental duties. Please continue to interact with your grandchildren as often as possible so they can have positive role models.

DEAR ABBY: Over the years, my husband and I have noticed that you often advise couples to seek marriage counseling. We've been married 25 years and want to offer a few thoughts:

First, there is a misconception that "going to counseling" is a sign that the marriage is failing. We have benefited from counseling several times. We are strong-willed people who sometimes have trouble getting past things that bother us, including dreams and goals that conflict with each other. The way we express ourselves can sometimes be detrimental, too. While we can work through most of these disagreements, we have found outside counsel very helpful at times.

Second, there are a variety of ways a couple can get counseling. Many churches have caring couples in successful marriages who are trusted by the pastoral staff to counsel other couples. These couples are usually warm and generous and have a lot of wisdom to share.

We also recommend that engaged couples seek counseling before they marry. We wish we had been given real counseling at that point in our lives. There were hidden issues that an experienced counselor could have pointed out to us -- our different philosophies about handling money, raising children, relationships with extended family, career, etc.

A marriage requires work by both individuals in order for it to grow. There is no shame in reaching out for guidance when needed, and no sense in waiting until things are out of control. -- WENDY AND BILL NICKOLEY, ROCKAWAY, N.J.

DEAR WENDY AND BILL: I often recommend counseling because the problems in the letters I receive are usually just the tip of the iceberg. I agree that couples should seek help while trouble is brewing instead of waiting until the pot has boiled over. However, for those who are unaffiliated or who would rather not get church-based counseling, a call to one's physician requesting a referral can also be effective.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: For the last 11 years, my ex-wife and I have shared joint custody of our 13-year-old son, "Brad." He has often complained to me about his mother not respecting his wishes.

Recently, Brad told me his mom walks around the house in the nude, and it makes him very uncomfortable. Since she and I have an ongoing family law court "disagreement" on what constitutes the best interest of our child, talking directly to her about this is not possible. I am allowed to communicate only through her attorney. Abby, how should I handle this so my son can feel comfortable in his mother's home? -- SHE'S NAKED AS A JAY BIRD

DEAR S.N.A.A.J.B.: Talk to your lawyer about your son's discomfort with his mother's nudity. He is approaching the age where the courts will allow him more input regarding custody. Ask your son to document where and when this is going on, and let his mother know how her nude lifestyle makes him feel. It's important that he speak up, so she can't claim ignorance.

DEAR ABBY: In two months I will be quitting my place of employment and moving to the West Coast. Even though I dislike my job, I love the people I work with and feel bad about leaving them.

The boss holds regular staff meetings and assigns me duties. My stomach churns each time I accept a project I know I will not be around to complete.

Is it immoral to keep secret the fact that I will be resigning in two months? I plan on giving three weeks' notice, which I think is fair --- and all I can afford. If I give more than that, I know my boss would find my replacement right away. What should I do? -- CAUGHT IN A BIND IN KNOXVILLE, TENN.

DEAR CAUGHT IN A BIND: Make detailed notes at the meetings when future duties are assigned so that your replacement will not be left in the dark. Then follow your plan and submit three weeks' notice when you're ready to leave. Do not feel guilty. You are giving adequate notice. Good luck.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 12-year-old girl who loves school. I'm an honor roll student and have been student of the month two years in a row. My problem is, I have a friend named "Carly" who is competitive with me to the extreme. Not just with grades, but with everything I do.

Carly wants to compare our grades the minute they're handed out, and she feels the need to outdo me in all the after-school activities we share. We've had some embarrassing fights because of this, and I always end up breaking down crying. It's like she's so jealous that it's taking the fun out of school for both of us.

My mom keeps saying, "You girls will work it out," but I don't see how. Please help me figure out a way to end this conflict. -- SMART GIRL IN ORLANDO

DEAR SMART GIRL: Take the high road. Do not allow yourself to be drawn into a conflict. Do the best you can with grades and after-school activities. Let Carly have her victories, and enjoy yours without rubbing it in. We all have different strengths, and there's room for both of you to excel.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I invited an acquaintance -- I'll call her June -- to our housewarming party. As I was showing her the bedroom, June asked to see an opal ring that she noticed me wearing on the day we met. I opened my jewelry box and watched as she tried it on.

Just then, the doorbell rang and I rushed to answer it. With all the goings-on of the party, I completely forgot about June and the opal ring until she said her goodbyes. June laughingly told me the ring had gotten stuck on her finger and she couldn't get the "darn thing" off. Then she was gone.

That was two months ago. June moved out of town and left no forwarding address. My husband and I couldn't locate her. The ring belonged to my husband's late grandmother and was a gift to me on our wedding day. My husband's mother and sister are furious with me for allowing June to walk off with an heirloom. They have been pressing me to track her down and take her to court.

I continued to search for her with no luck until last week, when June called and said she was in town and would like to drop by. She never showed up. I'm beginning to wonder if she will ever return my ring. I want to avoid conflict and am trying to think of a way to get it back without having to go to court. Can you help me, Abby? -- MISSING MY OPAL IN COLORADO

DEAR MISSING: Pick up the phone, tell the police what happened, and file a theft report. It appears that June has sticky fingers in more ways than one, and depending on the value of the ring, has committed grand theft.

Please don't wait. Sometimes conflict is unavoidable, and in this case, you have every right to scream, "I wuz robbed." Good luck.

DEAR ABBY: I have been going with "Jeremy" for five years. He's 28, I'm 25. We love each other dearly. We've talked seriously about getting married and having children. The problem is he's asked me twice to marry him --- only to take his proposals back.

The first time, we set a date and started making wedding plans. When Jeremy changed his mind, I asked if it had anything to do with me. He said no --- that he loves me and can't picture a life without me --- but he was scared.

Now when the subject of marriage comes up and we talk about a wedding and future together, Jeremy makes remarks like, "Yes, if we make it that long." Then he starts naming all the people we know who have gotten divorced. I blame Jeremy's mother for his attitude. She's been married and divorced five times. (Her most recent marriage lasted less than a year.)

I want to spend my life with Jeremy more than anything in the world, but his negative outlook on marriage worries me. I hate to say it, but I'm beginning to resent him for it. Should I break it off or stay? -- UNSURE IN INDIANA

DEAR UNSURE: Before this mating dance goes any further, you and Jeremy should get premarital counseling. It's an understatement to say that he has poor role modeling when it comes to marriage and what it entails. Counseling will give him the chance to express all his fears in a supportive setting. Without it, I see no future in this on-again, off-again romance.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)