DEAR ABBY: For the two years I've been married to "John," I have known his parents wished he had married someone other than me. They have never accepted me or tried to get to know me as a daughter-in-law. Family is important to me. All I ever hoped was that they'd give me half a chance.

I've told John how I feel. He has yet to stand up for me. What upsets me is his mom and dad are nice to my face and in John's presence, but when he isn't around they ignore me. It's like I'm invisible.

My husband is in the military. During the past year he has been away on active duty, his parents have never once invited me to spend a holiday or any other time with them. I am always the one to reach out. John is due home next month, and I know my in-laws will try to "make nice" with me for his benefit -– but it's all fake.

If they truly wanted to get to know me, they would have tried while I was alone. (I live less than a mile from them.) I am sad, hurt and angry about the way I've been treated in my husband's absence. I love him more than anything, but my biggest fear is that when we're reunited, my feelings toward his folks will have a spillover effect on our marriage. What can be done, Abby? -- MISERABLE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW IN NORFOLK, VA.

DEAR MISERABLE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW: When your husband returns, impress upon him the fact that his parents never called or invited you to join them in his absence. It's a shame to have to put him in the middle, but these are his parents and if they'll listen to anybody, it's most likely him.

In the meantime, develop other emotional resources with other military families. When a loved one goes on active duty, it's not unusual that those left behind are on an emotional roller-coaster. Other wives (and husbands) can appreciate how you feel. Perhaps you can support each other.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Harvey," and I became engaged over the holidays. We are beginning to plan our wedding. Harvey was raised Jewish. I was raised Catholic. We envisioned a ceremony with both a priest and a rabbi.

However, Harvey's parents have informed us that they will not attend if a priest is present. One solution might be to be married by a justice of the peace, but my parents want a "man of God" to preside.

Harvey and I are willing to do whatever it takes to please our parents, but we are having a difficult time reaching a compromise. Also, my parents are paying for the entire wedding, so I'm not sure if that gives them more "say" in the matter or not. Please help. -- MARRIAGE BOUND AND IN A BIND

DEAR MARRIAGE BOUND: Before you and Harvey make any more plans, it might be helpful for both sets of parents to get together socially. If there is no "meeting of the minds," I urge you and your fiance to get premarital counseling –- preferably from a nondenominational counselor. The problems you have encountered with Harvey's parents are just the beginning. You and he must come to a clear understanding now about how your children will be raised. If it's anything other than Jewish, I see major family problems and conflicts ahead for you because of his parents' stance.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR READERS: Yesterday my column was composed of letters I received in just one day about alcoholism. Today, for readers who may be concerned about their drinking, I am printing a wake-up call:

ARE YOU AN ALCOHOLIC?

1. Have you ever decided to stop drinking for a week or so, but lasted only a couple of days?

2. Do you wish people would stop nagging you about your drinking?

3. Have you ever switched from one kind of drink to another hoping that would keep you from getting drunk?

4. Have you had a drink in the morning during the past year?

5. Do you envy people who can drink without getting into trouble?

6. Have you had problems connected with drinking during the past year?

7. Has your drinking caused you trouble at home?

8. Do you ever try to get extra drinks at a party because you did not get enough to drink?

9. Do you tell yourself you can stop drinking any time you want, even though you keep getting drunk?

10. Have you missed days at work because of the drinking?

11. Do you have blackouts?

12. Have you ever felt that your life would be better if you did not drink?

13. When you take one or two drinks, can you stop and walk away?

14. Have you ever embarrassed yourself or someone else when drinking?

15. Do you drink every day?

16. How many times in the last month have you awakened with a hangover?

17. Do you spend money you don't have on alcohol?

18. Has this affected your sleeping habits? (Do you pass out, get a drink in the middle of the night, or wet the bed when you sleep because of alcohol?)

If you have answered yes to four or more of these questions, you are either an alcoholic or on your way to becoming one.

So, now what do you do? For openers, go to your telephone directory and look up the listing for Alcoholics Anonymous. It is listed under "A." They charge no dues and you need not identify yourself unless you want to.

Another excellent group, Women for Sobriety Inc., was mentioned in my column yesterday. If a 12-step program is not for you, talk to your doctor about a referral for other treatment options.

DEAR ABBY: I work in an office with 10 people. One of my co-workers is being married next month. He invited the president of our small company and the vice president, but excluded everyone else, even though we all work shoulder-to-shoulder and have been exposed to every nauseating detail about the wedding.

Should the rest of us feel obligated to buy a gift for him? -- UNINVITED COLLEAGUE IN CHICAGO

DEAR UNINVITED: Certainly not. Shower him with good wishes, but a wedding gift is required only if one is attending the wedding, so you're all off the hook.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My paternal grandmother and grandfather were alcoholics. My father and three of his brothers are alcoholics, and so is my maternal grandfather.

I love alcohol and the way it makes me feel. I got scared, so I stopped drinking. I no longer drink even socially. Is it possible that I could become an alcoholic? How would you define one? -- CONCERNED 24-YEAR-OLD

DEAR CONCERNED: Yes, it is possible. There may be a genetic link to alcoholism -– and for that reason you are wise to abstain. You say you "love the way it makes you feel." A specialist in addictions once told me that many alcoholics believe alcohol somehow makes them "complete."

How to define an alcoholic? It's a person who cannot control his or her drinking. An example:

DEAR ABBY: Every year for 15 years, I made the same resolution –- to curtail my drinking. I knew the only way was to stop completely and I was determined to do it on my own. I had a strong will and didn't understand why I couldn't stop. (At times I thought I really didn't want to stop.) Finally, I checked into a hospital and now attend AA meetings.

At one meeting, I heard a definition of "insanity" as doing the same thing over and over, expecting a different result. It was then that I realized the difficulty I had with battling alcohol was actually my strong will. On one side it was telling me I had to stop (I knew I had to and wanted to), while at the same time it was telling me I couldn't do without it. See the dilemma?

Please, Abby, let readers know that feeling you have a "weak will" or asking for help is NOT a sign of weakness. No one will think less of you for asking. For me, it was well worth it. I haven't had a drink for 39 months and am finally able to enjoy life again. -- LIVING A BETTER LIFE IN DALLAS

DEAR LIVING: Congratulations on your sobriety and your new life. And thank you for a terrific letter. Often the urge to drink isn't the only problem an alcoholic has to overcome. The following letter arrived the same day as yours. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I drink too much. My husband is an enabler with a capital E. He thinks I won't be "fun" anymore if we give up our nightly cocktail hour.

The problem is, I miss my "old self." I feel wretched in the morning. I never wanted to turn out this way. It's a lonely and shameful way to live. Our kids will surely suffer. The guilt is eating me up. Thanks for listening. Can you give me a push? -- REACHING OUT IN ILLINOIS

DEAR REACHING OUT: Here it is. You have no reason to be ashamed. Your husband is capitalizing on your illness (alcoholism IS an illness) and not helping you to be the strong person and better parent you aspire to be. It appears that he, too, has a drinking problem that shouldn't be ignored.

It's time to separate your problem from his. A program that has been extremely helpful to women alcoholics is Women for Sobriety Inc. Established in 1976, it is the first national self-help program for women with drinking problems. The address is P.O. Box 618, Quakertown, PA 18951-0618. The phone number is (215) 536-8026. The Web site is www.womenfor sobriety.org. It offers hundreds of self-help groups nationwide and abroad. Please don't wait.

Tomorrow I'll print the warning signs of alcoholism.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)