DEAR ABBY: I am a loyal wife who does not take divorce lightly, but I'm thinking about leaving my husband, "Joe." He is very hard on my 12-year-old daughter from a previous marriage, "Natalie."

Joe is very strict in disciplining her, to the point of being unreasonable. It has become so bad that Natalie says she hates him and wants to leave him. My two older children, who no longer live with us, feel the same way about Joe. Even my "strict" father is unhappy with the way Joe treats Natalie.

If I honestly thought he loved my daughter and was acting out of love, I might feel differently. However, he has made it clear he dislikes ALL my children -- with a long list of "reasons."

I told Joe my children are my No. 1 priority, and if anyone in my life is a variable, it's him. He finally admitted he's jealous of Natalie and the time we spend together.

As unhappy as I am with Joe's behavior, I'm afraid if I give in to Natalie's request that I leave him, she may try to manipulate me in other ways. Please help me find a solution. -- MISSISSIPPI WIFE AND MOM

DEAR WIFE AND MOM: For your husband to take out his jealousy and resentment of your parental duties on your daughter is deplorable. While I don't think that a 12-year-old should dictate with whom a parent spends his or her life, in this case, your daughter may have a point.

However, before you make any decisions, I urge you, Joe and Natalie to get family counseling to see if his jealousy can be worked out. If it can't, then a separation until your daughter is 18 may be in order.

DEAR ABBY: For the past nine months, I have been secretly married to a man of whom my family does not approve. I have been able to keep them in the dark because I am a student and live in another state. I'm 33 years old, Abby, and, knowing the problems it will cause, I need some tips on how to tell my family. Help! -- NOT A CHILD IN ILLINOIS

DEAR NOT A CHILD: I agree that at 33, you are not a child; you are an adult who has made an important decision. While it would be nice if your family approved of your choice of life partners, one of the basic premises of marriage is that you are forming a family unit of your own. Call your parents and relatives and share the "good news" with them. How they react will be their problem. Please don't continue to make it yours.

DEAR ABBY: In a recent column, a reader shared a humorous experience about her smoke alarm going off. She regarded it as a "sign" from her deceased father that he was OK.

My beloved husband, Frank, was blind from diabetes when he died. He had owned a "talking watch." Since it had been such an important part of his daily life, it was on his wrist for the funeral -- with the voice and alarm turned off.

The minister who officiated at Frank's service began "preaching" instead of fondly remembering my late husband's life, and right smack in the middle of the sermon, somehow my husband's watch alarm went off! Later someone said, "Yep, that was Frank. He was letting the preacher know it was time to quit!" -- SUSAN, COLEMAN, MICH.

DEAR SUSAN: Let's just say it took a miracle to turn a wristwatch into a "stop" watch.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I had hoped last Christmas would be different, but it turned out to be the same as every other Christmas for the past 14 years. My husband and I always go to his parents' for Christmas dinner, followed by the exchange of gifts. In all the years I've been married to their son, my in-laws have never once included me in the gift exchange.

When we started our family, they were good about giving a gift to each grandchild -- and always to my husband -- but never to me. Trust me, Abby, it's not the gift I care about, it's the fact that they go through this routine in my husband's presence and he never says one word about it.

How should I handle it next year? If I speak up, it could cause a family feud, and dissension between my husband and me. Must I simply resign myself to the fact that this is the way it is? Please tell me what you think. -- EXTREMELY REJECTED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR EXTREMELY REJECTED: For your in-laws to exclude you at Christmas is cruel, insensitive and rude. For your husband to let this go on year after year and say nothing is spineless.

Tell him that unless you can be assured that you'll be treated with the respect you deserve next Christmas, it will be your last with his family -- and you and the children will make other plans.

DEAR ABBY: My 88-year-old mother has vascular dementia, but is still able to live in her own home with 24-hour caregivers. Recently, Mom's sister, "Velda," visited her and asked the caregiver on duty to bring her a silver pitcher from Mother's dining room. Velda told the caregiver, "No one needs to know," and took it.

Of course, the caregiver promptly reported the incident to me, and I picked up the phone and confronted Aunt Velda. At first she denied taking the pitcher -- then she said it had originally belonged to their deceased brother. Then she accused ME of wanting it for myself and ended the conversation by sarcastically saying she thought Mother seemed "fine" to her -- and hung up on me!

What makes this so aggravating is it isn't the first time this has happened. One of my brothers says to forget it. The other is ready to file theft charges. What is the appropriate action, Abby? -- DEVOTED DAUGHTER IN HOUSTON

DEAR DEVOTED DAUGHTER: You are fortunate that your mother's caregiver reported the theft promptly. Instead of filing charges, instruct the caregiver to call you or your brothers the next time "Aunt Velda" shows up at the door.

DEAR ABBY: In a few minutes, I have to start getting dressed. I haven't worn a suit since I buried my older brother last year. In one hour, I'll bury my lovely wife. I'm so glad my son could fly in. I need him so much at this time.

Abby, please urge your women readers to get that Pap smear now. Tell the guys to take them. Don't let them put it off. Cancer is a monster. Just ask anyone who has seen it up close. -- WES IN PHOENIX

DEAR WES: Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. Your message is sobering and certainly worth space in my column.

Readers, cancer is often treatable -- if it is caught early. The screening tests that exist today are effective only if they're performed. Please don't gamble with your health by postponing them. (And I'm not just talking about Pap tests!)

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am the mother of a 15-year-old daughter, "Brandy," who is a pretty good kid. She has caused me very little trouble -- she gets good grades, has well-behaved friends, etc. My problem is she got herself pregnant by her boyfriend of three months. He's a good kid, too. (I'll call him Danny.)

Brandy ended up having a miscarriage, so now we're back to "life as usual," as she and Danny see it. However, I am having a tough time with Danny hanging around. I can no longer look him in the eye. His parents were no help at all during the hellish week we experienced when Brandy was pregnant.

Should I allow Danny to keep dating my daughter or send him packing? I feel caught in the middle. As a parent, I feel I should put a stop to the relationship. However, if I do, I'm afraid Brandy might run away. (I remember well how I felt when I was her age.) Please help, Abby. -- TORN MOM IN OHIO

DEAR TORN MOM: Consider this near-miss a wakeup call! You are overdue for a serious talk with Danny and his parents, because had the pregnancy continued, Danny would have been equally responsible for caring for and supporting his child.

It's time to face up to the fact that your children are now sexually active. Worry less that your daughter will run away, and more about what will happen if she and Danny conceive again.

Danny and Brandy must learn that sex carries with it great responsibility -- one that can sometimes last 18 years or more. Further, there is the danger of sexually transmitted disease to be considered. I urge you to schedule a doctor's appointment for both of them. If that's not possible, contact Planned Parenthood. Brandy and Danny need to learn everything they can about birth control and self-control.

DEAR ABBY: This Christmas, I received a beautiful gold necklace as a gift from my father. However, the pendant is in the shape of a religious symbol. I understand it may have been unclear to him that I feel reluctant to wear such a necklace, but in good conscience, I cannot because I follow a different faith.

Should I exchange it, or keep it and never wear it? I do not want to offend my dad, as he is my birth father and we met only recently. Since we are in the beginning of our relationship, I don't want to mess it up.

On the other hand, it seems a waste to own jewelry that is never worn -- and I'm sure he'd notice. Please help me, Abby. If I exchange the necklace, there's a 100-day limit. -- VEXED IN VEGAS

DEAR VEXED: Write your father a note. Thank him for his thoughtfulness and generosity. Explain why you want to exchange the necklace. Your reason is a valid one. It's possible that, since you are just getting to know each other, he's unaware your religious beliefs differ from his.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Ted," beats me up bad. It's not me I'm worried about -- it's our 4-month-old baby girl. Ted threatens to kill me and the baby if I leave. He hits, slaps and kicks me almost daily. Please help me. -- DESPERATE IN ITHACA, N.Y.

DEAR DESPERATE: Call the Domestic Violence Hotline. The toll-free number is 1-800-799-7233. Tell the counselor who answers what you have written to me. He or she will help you to formulate an escape plan. For your daughter's sake, please don't wait.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)