DEAR ABBY: Last evening, our 20-year-old son, "Roger," brought a young lady home for us to meet. Her name is "Sally"; they met in a class at the local college.

I know as well as I know my own name that our son is going to ask his dad and me, "Well, what did you think of her?" -- and therein lies my problem. My husband and I aren't sure if we should be honest with Roger about our first impression of Sally.

Perhaps we should tell him to let us get better acquainted before passing judgment. We have even considered staying completely neutral. After all, if Roger ends up marrying her and it doesn't work out, we could be accused of trying to influence him.

This is the first time our son has ever brought a female friend home for us to meet. Roger and Sally seem happy together, and that's all that counts. However, his dad and I also know our son is looking for our approval -- especially mine. -- MICHIGAN MOM

DEAR MICHIGAN MOM: Level with your son in a nonconfrontational way. Tell him what you and your husband observed. But make it clear that because first impressions can sometimes be deceiving, you and your husband would like to see more of Sally before making a determination.

DEAR ABBY: My husband has a serious problem with alcohol and drugs, and I don't know what to do to get him some help. He's tried to stop on his own, but he just can't fight it. It's really gotten bad, Abby. I want to save our marriage, but don't know where to begin. -- NEW JERSEY WIFE

DEAR WIFE: Nothing will change until your husband can admit the seriousness of his problem and accept help. Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) is a fine organization of men and women who have walked in his shoes, and can be instrumental in your husband's recovery. My readers have told me that AA works.

My advice to you is to discuss your husband's addiction with your family physician. He or she will be able to guide you to appropriate treatment for your husband once he makes a commitment to stop his substance abuse. Al-Anon could also be helpful for you. It provides information and support to family and friends of alcoholics. AA and Al-Anon are as close as your phone book.

DEAR Abby: Now that the holidays have come and gone, I am once again wondering about the proper etiquette for thanking people for gifts. When I was growing up, my mother insisted that after each Christmas and birthday I write detailed thank-you notes. Of course, notes are in order for gifts received in the mail, but what about presents opened in front of the giver?

When I have children, I imagine Mom will expect thank-you notes from her grandkids. On the other hand, I have friends who say that a sincere, verbal thank-you is sufficient, and sending notes to people who have already been thanked is overkill. Please tell me if a handwritten note is necessary. I don't want to be rude. Thanks, Abby. -- UNSURE IN DALLASTOWN, PA.

DEAR UNSURE: A verbal thank-you is very nice, but it's not enough. The art of writing a thank-you note is a social grace that every wise parent should pass along to his or her child. The note need not be lengthy or complicated as long as it is sincere.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I cheated on my husband "Greg" for nearly a year. My job involves a lot of traveling, so it wasn't difficult to pull off my double life. I finally realized how bad I felt about myself because of the cheating and decided to rededicate myself to Greg. Since he had no clue about the affair, I wasn't going to tell him.

At the time I ended the affair, my lover's wife found out and told my husband. I begged for forgiveness and implored Greg to give me another chance. We had been happily married for a decade before the affair. I know it's no excuse, but I cheated only because it seemed exciting.

When Greg learned about the affair and understood how sorry I was, he seemed willing to work it through. Then, all of a sudden, he became depressed and moved out. He said he "couldn't do it anymore" -- he couldn't respect me, couldn't love me, and couldn't get certain images out of his head.

Greg now lives out of state. I call him almost every day and apologize and beg him to come back, but he's cold as ice.

Please don't suggest counseling, Abby. Nothing in this world would persuade him to go. I'm counting on you for some magic words of advice. Sign me ... WOKE UP TOO LATE IN LITTLE ROCK

DEAR WOKE UP TOO LATE: I'm sorry, but there are no magic words that can turn back the clock. The only magic I can see is that in your hunger for excitement, you made your marriage disappear in a puff of smoke. I hope your sad story serves as a cautionary example to others who are contemplating an affair. There is no such thing as free love. What you're paying now is the "amusement" tax.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 14-year-old girl with an embarrassing problem: I still suck my thumb. It has caused many arguments between my parents and me.

They paid a lot of money for my braces and retainer, and I'm on the verge of ruining my teeth. I have tried to stop by wearing a mitten, putting gross flavors on my thumb, etc., to no avail. Can you help me? -- STILL A BABY IN THE SOUTH

DEAR BABY: Try this; it's a form of behavior modification. Place a rubber band loosely around your wrist. When the urge to suck your thumb strikes, snap the rubber band hard enough to remind you to resist the habit. Soon you will associate the "sting" with the urge to suck your thumb, and because of the discomfort, you'll reject the urge.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I went to a restaurant where you have the option of ordering something off the menu or selecting from the buffet.

I say he should have waited to fill his plate until my food arrived. He insists it was OK to go ahead and start eating from the buffet while I sat there waiting for my food. Who's right? -- MIFFED IN IRVING, TEXAS

DEAR MIFFED: You are. For your husband to have filled a plate and begun eating while you sat waiting for your menu order was inconsiderate. (The least he could have done was to offer you a morsel.)

Clip this column and let him chew on that.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I are in our mid-40s and reside in a mobile home community. Most of our neighbors are seniors, and we live a quiet life. I have fibromyalgia, which limits my activities.

Our 73-year-old next-door neighbor, "Pearl," is driving me nuts. She's constantly finding things for me to do for her.

I used to help Pearl when she asked, or take her to the store -- but no more. She's a loudmouth who has embarrassed me in public. I used to take her to doctor appointments -- no more. She's addicted to prescription drugs and has stolen from me. Three doctors in six months dropped her. I've learned not to mention medications I'm taking or she'll hit me up for some.

Pearl talks horribly about our neighbors. She also lies. But the icing on the cake came when she bad-mouthed my own mother to my face.

Abby, my life is no longer my own. I can't go outside without Pearl hollering at me to come over. I used to have a special place in my garden where I could sit peacefully and write in my journal, but I haven't been out there in weeks because of her.

I've spoken to Pearl's daughter, but she says to "just ignore her." I'm at my wit's end. What should I do? -- TAMMY IN OHIO

DEAR TAMMY: Talk to her daughter again. Pearl's problems are so numerous they cannot be ignored. She needs a medical and psychological evaluation. Assure the daughter that she is not alone with this problem -- there are programs in place for seniors that can be accessed by contacting one's local office on aging. Please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: I'm employed as a legal assistant in a law office with two other people: my boss, "Jerry," and my co-worker, "Evelyn." Before reading further, please understand they are not having an affair.

My problem is that Jerry shows extreme favoritism to Evelyn. Some examples:

(1) Jerry threw an elaborate party for Evelyn on her birthday and did nothing for mine, even though he was aware of the date.

(2) He purchased an "employee incentive" package from an airline to reward "deserving employees" with air miles. Within six months, he awarded all of them to Evelyn.

(3) He ordered business cards for my co-worker and none for me, even though we are both his assistants with the same title.

(4) I suspect Jerry gives bonuses to Evelyn and not to me -- that are based upon the "good work" that both she and I do for the firm.

(5) He's flying Evelyn and her boyfriend first-class to Cancun to attend a seminar with him.

(6) Evelyn and I both exceeded our allotted vacation time last year. Jerry made me pay back the extra vacation days I took, but didn't make the same request of her.

I realize that Evelyn has been a legal assistant for many more years than I have. However, it's obvious that our boss out-and-out favors her. What should I do about it, Abby? -- TREATED UNFAIRLY IN DENTON, TEXAS

DEAR TREATED UNFAIRLY: Take the hint and start looking for a job elsewhere. You are in a no-win situation.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)