DEAR ABBY: I am writing not for advice, but to help others in a situation that I recently encountered.

I have a dear friend I'll call "Kent" who has muscular dystrophy. Kent is 95 percent paralyzed, but mentally he is one of the most intelligent, mature, open-minded, wonderful people I have ever met. At age 40, he is confined to his parents' home, to his bed and to a ventilator. Kent lives every day knowing that his next breath could be his last.

Kent has never had a girlfriend nor any sexual experiences, although he has all the normal sexual feelings and desires that any able-bodied man would have. For the past four years, Kent has asked me to arrange a sexual experience for him. He called and asked again recently, so I agreed.

I contacted an escort service and before I could finish two sentences, the manager said, "Don't worry about it. We've got it covered -- and we'll do it for free." The encounter went very well. The woman had a medical background and was not shocked by his disability or life-support devices.

When Kent's religious parents found out (they were not at home at the time), I was banned from their house, from contacting him, and his phone book suddenly "disappeared." I regret that I may have lost a dear friend, but I am more saddened to realize that a 40-year-old man can be held captive in his room by his disabled body and by his parents' morals and values as though he were a 13-year-old adolescent.

Abby, there must be many "invisible" people with disabilities that we never see because they are trapped inside. I hope this letter will open the lines of communication in some homes, and also make people understand the normal, natural needs of these individuals. -- VIC IN GRAHAM, N.C.

DEAR VIC: So do I, because the situation you describe is tragic. Too often, assumptions that have nothing to do with reality are made about people with disabilities. One of these is that people with disabilities do not have sexual feelings. Nothing could be further from the truth.

Healthy relationships help a person build self-esteem. They should be encouraged because they are an important part of a person's development. It is wrong for a person in control to project his or her own moral values on another adult who is dependent. For parents to confine an adult child, to prevent that person from having relationships, and to discourage that person from living life as fully as possible is to me both cruel and ignorant.

I would only hope that someone in your community who understands this could intercede and explain to Kent's parents that there is room for nontraditional relationships in cases like this one.

DEAR ABBY: I just turned 21 and am engaged to be married in May. My fiance and I have been together all through college, but I have been feeling hostile toward him for the last couple of months. I get mad for the stupidest things and don't know why. Lately I've been feeling I want to go out and "experience life." Should I call off the wedding? -- OVERWHELMED WITH CONFUSION IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR OVERWHELMED: You are overdue for a frank talk with your fiance. You may be experiencing pre-wedding jitters or are feeling trapped. Whether the wedding should be postponed or called off is up to the two of you to decide. You both would benefit from premarital counseling.

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DEAR ABBY: Almost two years ago, I placed my beautiful baby boy for adoption. His name is William. A wonderful couple adopted him. As difficult as it was for me, I knew I was doing the right thing.

My fiance's family knows nothing about William. I want to tell them, but my fiance doesn't want me to, so I've kept quiet. This has bothered me for two years, and I carry a lot of unhappiness inside because of it.

I am considering telling my fiance's family without him present, but I'm afraid I could lose him over this. Should I allow this situation to go on and wait for my fiance to tell his family, or should I be honest with them about William? Please give me your opinion, Abby. -- BARBIE IN TEXAS

DEAR BARBIE: I admire you for wanting to level with your fiance's family. It's the right thing to do because "secrets" like yours have a way of coming to light eventually.

However, I strongly feel that you should not tell his family unless your fiance is beside you. It is important he make it clear to them that regardless of their reaction to the news, he loves you and you are the person with whom he intends to spend the rest of his life.

DEAR ABBY: I come from a large family. Because there hasn't been a family reunion for more than 15 years, I thought it was time. I contacted all my aunts, uncles and cousins and asked them to provide me with names and addresses of their children and grandchildren so I could send invitations.

After receiving the information, I sent everyone letters announcing the place and time of the reunion -- and asked them to donate $25 per family to cover the cost of food, beverages, paper goods, table rental, etc. Several of my relatives found this extremely offensive and said if they had to pay to attend a family reunion, they weren't coming!

Abby, do you think I was wrong to ask for some financial help? -- NOT WEALTHY IN TEXAS

DEAR NOT WEALTHY: No, I do not. Perhaps this is one of the reasons it has been 15 years since the family gathered. Considering the cost involved, the amount you requested was not excessive. I hope you held the reunion without the complainers and that it was a success.

DEAR ABBY: I don't know what's wrong with me. I am an 18-year-old girl, and I date only older guys who either have a girlfriend or are engaged. It's like I can't be happy with anyone single or available.

Sometimes I have even dated my friends' boyfriends behind their backs. I'm afraid in the future this will all catch up with me. I don't want to act like this anymore, Abby. I really don't. Please help. -- "SALLY" IN CINCINNATI

DEAR "SALLY": It is an intelligent person who recognizes she (or he) is engaging in self-defeating behavior -- and this certainly qualifies. I don't know if you have a fear of commitment or whether "poaching" gives you a feeling of power. Whatever your motivation, some counseling to get to the bottom of it would be very helpful. Unless you're willing to examine your behavior, the pattern will continue.

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DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter from the 25-year-old man who's considering joining the military, and whose family and friends think he's lost his mind.

I'm a retired Army colonel and think how fortunate this country would be if more people had that young man's attitude.

My strongest recommendation to that fella -- or anyone joining the military -- is to make absolutely sure of what you are signing up for. Read the DD Form 4, Enlistment Contract -- every word. If a recruiter promises something, have that promise put in writing on the DD Form 4 or it is not considered binding. Also, don't let a recruiter tell you "now or never." He may say that only to fulfill a quota. Yes, there are restrictions and qualification factors, but a good recruiter will lay out all of those openly and work with the applicant to satisfy the individual's need as well as the military's. -- COL. MM, HUNTSVILLE, ALA.

DEAR COL. MM: You have written an important letter, and I hope that "Not in Boot Camp Yet" takes it to heart. I'm sure it will help not only him, but also any high school senior who is unsure about what to do after graduation. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: This is for anyone who's considering joining any branch of military service. Even if you are sure which branch you want to join, talk to recruiters from other branches -- and also different recruiters in the branch you are considering. Some recruiters are more knowledgeable than others, and an inexperienced recruiter's ignorance can cause new recruits to miss out on opportunities such as bonuses, tuition and initial entry rank. -- PROUD AIRMAN, JACKSONVILLE, FLA.

DEAR PROUD AIRMAN: That's valuable advice for anyone considering a stint in the armed forces.

DEAR ABBY: I am a former Marine and would like to comment on the letter from the young man who is considering joining the armed forces, but feels he is being "rushed" by recruiters and called "crazy" by his friends.

The solution is to join the reserves. In the reserves, he will get the training any other "boot" will get and still have the best of both worlds. The difference is that when it's time to graduate, he'll be asked if he wants to change his contract to "active duty." If he declines, he returns to civilian life and drills once a month with his assigned unit. In addition, he serves two weeks in the summer with his reserve unit when it goes on annual duty training. The rest of the time, he's a civilian. -- BILL IN FULLERTON, CALIF.

DEAR BILL: That sounds like an intelligent alternative.

DEAR ABBY: While getting injured or killed in the military is a possibility, there are tremendous personal rewards. I have traveled the world with the Air Force without serious injury, yet I fell off a ladder in my back yard last year and nearly killed myself. Go figure! -- MAJ. MICHAEL C., USAFR, RET.

DEAR MICHAEL: Ninety-nine percent of those who wrote to comment on "Not in Boot Camp's" letter expressed that their stint in the military was both exciting and challenging. It is life on the edge, and you get out of it what you put into it.

P.S. Stay away from ladders!

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