DEAR ABBY: The letters regarding the use of the phrase "I love you" reminded me of a story. The Finns are reputed to be people who don't waste many words. An example:

"'Jussi' and 'Kaisa' had been married for 25 years. One day, Kaisa asked Jussi, 'Why don't you ever tell me you love me?' His reply: 'I told you "I love you" when we were married. If anything changes, I'll let you know.'" -- ARNIE HAKKILA, RIO VERDE, ARIZ.

DEAR ARNIE: No wonder they say it's cold in Finland! Jussi may have been a man of few words, but I'll bet his wife had more than a few for him when she heard that reply. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You may have missed something in your reply to "Hurt in Reno." Hurt told her fiance she loved him and would be devastated if anything happened to him, and was upset when all he said in return was he "probably" felt the same. She also said he was not affectionate, but was good to her son.

You said he might be a poor communicator.

What caught my eye was the line about how he treats her son. Is it possible her fiance is engaged to her so he can have access to the boy? My second husband turned out to be a molester. During the first year of our marriage, while I was pregnant, he began to "groom" my daughter to be his sexual partner.

Please urge "Hurt" to follow her gut instincts. It could save her son's future and years of guilt for herself. -- ALMOST SANE AFTER YEARS OF THERAPY

DEAR ALMOST SANE: It's interesting how the letters in my column are interpreted through the filter of the reader's personal experience. Your warning should be enough to alert that mother.

DEAR ABBY: PHOOEY! on that word "love"! Seventy years ago, when I was in my early 20s, I was engaged to a man who swore he loved me with all his heart. He did -- until I became very sick. That was the end of our wedding plans.

Years later, I met a man I thought was interested in a mutual friend. I was shocked when he invited me to dinner and a movie. During dinner he said, "I'm not an articulate person." "That's OK," I flippantly replied. "Neither am I!"

We saw each other often after that and time seemed to fly. Then I had an attack of pain that came without warning. My doctor advised immediate surgery. When I told my friend, he listened, then put his hands on my shoulders. In a voice choked with tears he said, "I LIKE you. Will you marry me?" I was so astonished I couldn't speak, for we hadn't even kissed, as unbelievable as that seems.

"You do LIKE me, don't you?" he asked anxiously. "Yes," I whispered. I got no further because I was stopped by our first kiss.

I'm a widow now, and more than 90 years old, nearing the end of my life's journey. Please tell "Feeling Hurt" that a happy marriage CAN be built on two people "liking each other" at the start. My husband of almost 50 years didn't say "love" a dozen times, but by his actions, faithfulness, consideration and dozens of ways, he proved -- not only to me, but also to the world -- that he did.

Now I only want to be with him. -- MISSING MY MATE IN ARIZONA

DEAR MISSING: Thank you for sharing your truly unforgettable love story. It touched my heart.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband left me two years ago. Since that time I have struggled financially with no help from him. I earn only half of what I need to pay my bills each month. Several times this past year I was sick and missed work with no compensation -- so you can imagine the poverty level at which I live. My three children still live with me. They are 17, 19 and 22.

The problem is, my two oldest boys have full-time jobs, yet they refuse to help out financially. I ask only that they contribute $50 a week. I know I am doing them a disservice by allowing them to freeload, because they're not learning to take responsibility. However, I cannot handle the ultimatum of "pay up or get out."

Should my kids choose to leave, I would be sick with worry. I am worried now, too, but not nearly as worried as I'd be if they were to walk out of my life, as my oldest son did when I gave him that ultimatum a year ago. He has only recently started talking to me again, but our relationship is strained. He blames me for the hardship he experienced when he went out on his own.

Is there another way to make my children contribute to our household without taking drastic measures? Please help, Abby. I am too tired to get an additional part-time job in order to keep our heads above water. -- AT A LOSS IN RIVERHEAD, N.Y.

DEAR AT A LOSS: Please do not tolerate this situation any longer. You're doing no one a favor -- including yourself.

Your boys have a lot of growing up to do. Your request for $50 a week from the older boys is not excessive. They are young men now and should want to ease the burden you're carrying to give them a home.

Call a family meeting. Explain your financial situation in no uncertain terms. Then decide -- as a family -- what steps can be taken.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 32 years. I love my husband dearly, but last year I had a cancerous breast removed. I am doing well so far. The problem is my husband has not touched me since the surgery.

In the meantime, I ran into an old friend with whom I was very much in love when I was 17. He is also married. We see each other as often as possible -- which isn't very often because his job takes him all over the country. I am not sure he would give up his present life, nor am I sure I would give up mine, but my husband is pushing me out the door.

I can't seem to get my high school sweetheart off my mind. He treats me so much better than my husband, who has a bad temper, has hurt me more than once and obviously can't stand to look at me. At my age, should I grab what little joy I have left, or forget it? -- HURTING IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR HURTING: Before making any decisions that could affect the rest of your life, please pick up the phone and call the American Cancer Society. It sponsors support groups nationwide for survivors of cancer and their spouses. To find one in your community, call the toll-free number: (800) 227-2345. It is imperative that you and your husband start communicating again. As things stand, you are flirting with disaster -- and the one who could be seriously harmed is you.

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DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Texas Tina," whose husband drives like a maniac with her in the car when he's angry. As I read her letter, I saw myself a few years ago.

I agree that "Stan" must make his own anger-management appointment. I would like to go further and tell Tina that until her husband is willing to examine his own behavior and make changes, nothing will change.

I went on Zoloft for a while, but chose not to take drugs to fix a problem that was behavioral, not chemical. I went to counseling, said I was sorry, and promised to change.

However, not until my wife left me, not until she took my kids away, not until I was given a citation for telephone harassment and had to show up in court, did I change. I was lucky. As a first-time domestic violence offender, I was allowed to go through a program that gave me a lot of insight.

I'm sure that with a little searching, a similar program could be found in Tina's area. I WOULD STRESS THAT HER HUSBAND MUST BE THE ONE TO DO THIS. If he refuses -- if he "doesn't get around to it" -- then Tina needs to make a choice. This is a warning sign. Things may get worse, and Tina may wind up seriously injured.

Abby, I now acknowledge who and what I once was. To deny it would be to repeat it. I live every day of my life in fear that I will return to the place where I once was. It is that fear that helps me to keep a check on myself. I was given many useful tools to help me on my path, but the best thing I received out of all of this was enlightenment. -- KEVIN IN PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR KEVIN: You are a lucky man. You seem to possess the prerequisites necessary to change abusive behavior: remorse, willingness to assume responsibility, motivation to change and insight. These traits, however, are rarely found in abusive men. Most go into treatment not because they want to, but because they are forced into it, or are attempting to manipulate their intimates back into the relationship -- or to avoid incarceration.

I commend you for not blaming your behavior on something other than yourself. Living "in fear that you may one day return to the place you once were," however, suggests that you should remain in a maintenance counseling program that can keep you on your positive track. If not, you could very well return to your abusive behavior.

Victims must realize that the obsessive need that most batterers have to control their partners usually escalates, is seldom satisfied, and can be fatal to entire families. The Domestic Violence Hotline ((800) 799-7233) can help them establish a safety plan and support system that could very well save their lives, particularly when they are exiting such a relationship.

DEAR ABBY: What should you do when a friend or co-worker has a miscarriage? Someone suggested we send flowers and a card to our co-worker. I am afraid that flowers would be inappropriate. Is just a card enough to send? -- WANTS TO DO THE RIGHT THING IN OHIO

DEAR WANTS: It is very important to acknowledge the loss. A card and flowers would be appropriate. So would a simple card or a note of sympathy and support "during this sad time." Your message need not be long and flowery, just a communication to let her know that she and her family are in your thoughts and prayers.

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