DEAR ABBY: Thirty-six years ago, I gave birth and placed my baby girl for adoption. The father was going away to school and had no interest in me or the child. My parents were about to divorce, and my brother was in trouble with the law. I knew there was no way I could keep my daughter, so with a heavy heart I signed away my parental rights and tried to go on with my life. Eventually I married and had a son, who is now 32.

My mother has since moved in with my husband and me. Two weeks ago, a call came to the house while I was at work. Mom answered the phone. The woman calling was looking for her birth mother, and had information that I was, indeed, that woman!

Mother explained all this to me when I got home. As I was becoming more and more excited, she gave me the devastating news that she had told the woman that I had only ONE child -- a son -- and that I was NOT the person she was looking for. The caller continued to ask questions, but Mother denied all of the facts, and finally ended the call by hanging up on her.

I am crushed. For years, I have hoped for a call like that, but had not searched for my child because I did not want to invade her life or the lives of her adoptive parents. My mother was extremely judgmental and non-supportive when I was pregnant that first time, and the day my daughter was born, she pointed at my baby and said, "She is NOT coming home with us. I am NOT raising any more children."

Now I am desperate for my daughter to call again. I must find her! I have filed with the state adoption registry and private bureaus, called an attorney, and searched online. I pray that she will call back, so I can assure her that I love her and have thought about her every day since her birth.

My husband is anxious to welcome her into our lives. We are both heartbroken we may never have the chance. Mother has since come to understand what a grave injustice she performed -- for a second time.

Abby, please help. What more can I do? -- HEARTBROKEN IN EAST KANSAS

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: Unfortunately, there is nothing more you can do. I hope your daughter sees this letter, puts two and two together and calls you again.

DEAR ABBY: Every year as the holidays roll around, my husband and I get the same speech from certain elderly relatives: "You HAVE to spend the holidays with us because it might be our last." I am so tired of this guilt trip being laid on us -- and I'm sure a lot of other people are, too.

Just because someone is old doesn't mean he or she is next in line to kick the bucket. When I explain to relatives that my husband and I wish to stay home and make only short visits to them during the holidays, someone always guilt-trips us and we cave in.

What can be done? -- TRAPPED IN BRANDON, FLA.

DEAR TRAPPED: I have a response for the people you feel are manipulating you, but before I offer it, I should remind you that what they are saying will at some point be true. When that happens, can you handle the guilt? If the answer to that is yes, then proceed:

The response to the statement, "You have to spend the holidays with us because it might be our last," is:

"Then it's all the more important that we start NOW to establish our own holiday traditions, because it will lessen our heartbreak when that happens. Please join us at OUR home."

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Jared" for 14 years. We have two small boys. Last year (the day after Mother's Day) I found an explicit video of my husband having sex with a woman on our living room couch. I made him leave at once, and he was gone for two months.

Our youngest was only 2 at the time, and began throwing terrible tantrums -- biting, hitting, kicking. I finally let Jared come home with the understanding he would sleep in another room downstairs. The next thing I knew he was back in my bed.

I can honestly say I no longer like my husband. He is always angry, and nothing I do is ever right. However, since he makes a great deal more money than I do, if we split up, our children would have to do without things they're used to. How could we, without making them suffer, Abby?

I know it would be better for the boys if Jared and I stayed together, but I can't stand for him to touch me. Please help. I want to break this hold he has on me and the kids. -- COMPLETELY MISERABLE IN COLORADO

DEAR COMPLETELY MISERABLE: (1) Try to find a higher-paying job. (2) Get child care. (3) Seek marriage counseling. If your husband refuses to go, go alone. (4) If his behavior doesn't change, consult a lawyer.

P.S. If necessary, your counselor will help you to guide your children through the adjustment to their new circumstances. Good luck.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Former Mistress in Mourning," whose married lover dumped her after his wife died, reminded me how creative women in adulterous relationships can be. To say she and her lover were "discreet and respectful" with his wife while they were cheating on her is truly amazing. It is a poor attempt at justifying bad behavior.

Your reply about her ex-lover was right on. If he IS suffering guilt, it probably means he has a conscience. Our society would do well to remember that good mental health results from treating others as we would like to be treated. That would include a hands-off approach to married members of the opposite sex. Too bad more men and women aren't taught this anymore. -- OLD-FASHIONED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR OLD-FASHIONED: They're taught it -- they just ignore it once the hormones take over. Or they're sold a bill of goods by the straying spouse.

DEAR ABBY: "Jenny" and I have been married nine years and are now trying to start a family. She's a great-looking woman and I love her very much just as she is. However, there is something about her that I think could use some improvement.

Jenny's two front teeth tend to angle inward and she has a lower tooth that's discolored. I see clear braces advertised, and whitening products that are also available. How can I make these suggestions without causing problems? Jenny is 34, beautiful, but extremely sensitive.

Abby, please don't tell me that because she's beautiful I should appreciate her "as is" -- I think she could be even more beautiful. -- HELPFUL HUSBAND IN TENNESSEE

DEAR HELPFUL HUSBAND: Talk to your wife's dentist about your observations. I'm sure she would not take offense if, at the time of her next checkup, her dentist mentioned the new techniques and options that are now available.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a general surgeon. When people learn my occupation, I am frequently peppered with questions regarding general health matters.

At a recent dinner party, the hostess interrupted my conversation with other guests three different times to ask my opinion about trivial health concerns. Twice she dragged her young daughter over for me to examine in front of other guests -- first, for a minor bump to the child's leg (which left no mark), and again to show me a nearly healed scratch on the child's arm.

The last straw was when she halted conversation at the dinner table to announce that she had a "scratchy feeling" in her chest, and would I go to the car for my stethoscope in order to listen to her lungs?

How can I extract myself from these situations without giving the impression that I'm callous to naive onlookers? -- HARASSED M.D. IN DES MOINES

DEAR HARASSED M.D.: I'll give you the same advice I gave to the computer expert who was also continually bombarded for free advice: Assume a serious expression and say, "Hmmm. You know, that COULD be something serious. You should make an appointment with (your internist, your pediatrician, etc.) and have it checked out where there's all the latest equipment needed to do a thorough assessment."

DEAR ABBY: Five years ago I married a widow with two adult daughters. I was divorced with two adult daughters of my own. Now there are two weddings in the works -- one for my daughter and the other for my stepdaughter.

My wife thinks we should contribute substantially more to her daughter's wedding because mine has "more family" behind her. I say our financial assistance should be the same for both. Do you think I am being unreasonable? -- FATHER OF THE BRIDES IN MONTANA

DEAR FATHER: No, I do not. Unless you give equally you will be accused of favoritism, and it will cause resentment that could outlive you.

DEAR ABBY: Five years ago I married a widow with two adult daughters. I was divorced with two adult daughters of my own. Now there are two weddings in the works -- one for my daughter and the other for my stepdaughter.

My wife thinks we should contribute substantially more to her daughter's wedding because mine has "more family" behind her. I say our financial assistance should be the same for both. Do you think I am being unreasonable? -- FATHER OF THE BRIDES IN MONTANA

DEAR FATHER: No, I do not. Unless you give equally you will be accused of favoritism, and it will cause resentment that could outlive you.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)