DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Jared" for 14 years. We have two small boys. Last year (the day after Mother's Day) I found an explicit video of my husband having sex with a woman on our living room couch. I made him leave at once, and he was gone for two months.

Our youngest was only 2 at the time, and began throwing terrible tantrums -- biting, hitting, kicking. I finally let Jared come home with the understanding he would sleep in another room downstairs. The next thing I knew he was back in my bed.

I can honestly say I no longer like my husband. He is always angry, and nothing I do is ever right. However, since he makes a great deal more money than I do, if we split up, our children would have to do without things they're used to. How could we, without making them suffer, Abby?

I know it would be better for the boys if Jared and I stayed together, but I can't stand for him to touch me. Please help. I want to break this hold he has on me and the kids. -- COMPLETELY MISERABLE IN COLORADO

DEAR COMPLETELY MISERABLE: (1) Try to find a higher-paying job. (2) Get child care. (3) Seek marriage counseling. If your husband refuses to go, go alone. (4) If his behavior doesn't change, consult a lawyer.

P.S. If necessary, your counselor will help you to guide your children through the adjustment to their new circumstances. Good luck.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Former Mistress in Mourning," whose married lover dumped her after his wife died, reminded me how creative women in adulterous relationships can be. To say she and her lover were "discreet and respectful" with his wife while they were cheating on her is truly amazing. It is a poor attempt at justifying bad behavior.

Your reply about her ex-lover was right on. If he IS suffering guilt, it probably means he has a conscience. Our society would do well to remember that good mental health results from treating others as we would like to be treated. That would include a hands-off approach to married members of the opposite sex. Too bad more men and women aren't taught this anymore. -- OLD-FASHIONED IN MICHIGAN

DEAR OLD-FASHIONED: They're taught it -- they just ignore it once the hormones take over. Or they're sold a bill of goods by the straying spouse.

DEAR ABBY: "Jenny" and I have been married nine years and are now trying to start a family. She's a great-looking woman and I love her very much just as she is. However, there is something about her that I think could use some improvement.

Jenny's two front teeth tend to angle inward and she has a lower tooth that's discolored. I see clear braces advertised, and whitening products that are also available. How can I make these suggestions without causing problems? Jenny is 34, beautiful, but extremely sensitive.

Abby, please don't tell me that because she's beautiful I should appreciate her "as is" -- I think she could be even more beautiful. -- HELPFUL HUSBAND IN TENNESSEE

DEAR HELPFUL HUSBAND: Talk to your wife's dentist about your observations. I'm sure she would not take offense if, at the time of her next checkup, her dentist mentioned the new techniques and options that are now available.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a general surgeon. When people learn my occupation, I am frequently peppered with questions regarding general health matters.

At a recent dinner party, the hostess interrupted my conversation with other guests three different times to ask my opinion about trivial health concerns. Twice she dragged her young daughter over for me to examine in front of other guests -- first, for a minor bump to the child's leg (which left no mark), and again to show me a nearly healed scratch on the child's arm.

The last straw was when she halted conversation at the dinner table to announce that she had a "scratchy feeling" in her chest, and would I go to the car for my stethoscope in order to listen to her lungs?

How can I extract myself from these situations without giving the impression that I'm callous to naive onlookers? -- HARASSED M.D. IN DES MOINES

DEAR HARASSED M.D.: I'll give you the same advice I gave to the computer expert who was also continually bombarded for free advice: Assume a serious expression and say, "Hmmm. You know, that COULD be something serious. You should make an appointment with (your internist, your pediatrician, etc.) and have it checked out where there's all the latest equipment needed to do a thorough assessment."

DEAR ABBY: I am 13 and have been fighting with my mom. You might think "typical teenage problem," but it's not like that. Mom has a bad temper, and I inherited it. The difference is I've learned to control it and she hasn't.

When Mom gets mad at someone, she's not shy about dishing out stern words -- and if she gets really upset, she'll take it out on me for the next couple of days. Not only does she criticize, but she yells, curses and sometimes hits me.

Mom helps out at school, and when she overhears my friends joking around about what a loudmouth I am, she gets upset. When we're home she'll say stuff like, "Your classmates were insulting me by insulting you."

Other times, however, she can be super nice. After a yelling match, she usually puts herself down by telling me what a loser she is -- and then apologizing profusely. But a week later she's at it again. Abby, what's up with my mom? -- CONFUSED IN MUNSTER, IND.

DEAR CONFUSED: She may be overwhelmed or have emotional problems that should be evaluated by a doctor. You have described a classic cycle of abuse.

If you have a trusted adult in whom you can confide -- a relative, school counselor or family friend -- who could talk to your mother and suggest she get professional help, it would carry more weight than if you approached her yourself. Please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: Five years ago I married a widow with two adult daughters. I was divorced with two adult daughters of my own. Now there are two weddings in the works -- one for my daughter and the other for my stepdaughter.

My wife thinks we should contribute substantially more to her daughter's wedding because mine has "more family" behind her. I say our financial assistance should be the same for both. Do you think I am being unreasonable? -- FATHER OF THE BRIDES IN MONTANA

DEAR FATHER: No, I do not. Unless you give equally you will be accused of favoritism, and it will cause resentment that could outlive you.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: Before we know it, Christmas will be upon us, and my oldest child will again be asking me if there really is a Santa Claus. With all the traumatic events happening in our world today, I do not want to take anything away from him -- and yet I realize he needs to know the truth.

A few years ago, there was a beautiful letter in your column from a mother who had a wonderful way of telling her child the truth about Santa without causing any damage or making the child feel let down. I am truly at a loss as to how to tell my little one the truth in a loving manner. Thank you, Abby. -- MOM IN CRYSTAL LAKE, ILL.

DEAR MOM: The piece, "Yes, Virginia, There Is a Santa Claus," is a classic. It was written in 1897 by Francis P. Church, the editor of the now-defunct New York Sun. He wrote it in response to this letter:

"Dear Editor: I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no Santa Claus. Papa says, 'If you see it in the Sun, it's so.' Please tell me the truth. Is there a Santa Claus?" -- Virginia O'Hanlon

"Dear Virginia: Your little friends are wrong. They have been affected by the skepticism of a skeptical age. They do not believe except what they see. They think that nothing can be which is not comprehensible by their little minds. All minds, Virginia, whether they be men's or children's, are little.

"In this great universe of ours, man is a mere insect, an ant, in his intellect, as compared with the boundless world about him, as measured by the intelligence capable of grasping the whole of truth and knowledge.

"Yes, Virginia, there is a Santa Claus. He exists as certainly as love and generosity and devotion exist, and you know that they abound and give to your life its highest beauty and joy. Alas! How dreary would be the world if there were no Santa Claus. It would be as dreary as if there were no Virginias.

"There would be no childlike faith then, no poetry, no romance to make tolerable this existence. We should have no enjoyment, except in sense and sight. The external light with which childhood fills the world would be extinguished.

"Not believe in Santa Claus! You might as well not believe in fairies. You might get your papa to hire men to watch in all the chimneys on Christmas Eve to catch Santa Claus, but even if you did not see Santa Claus coming down, what would that prove? Nobody sees Santa Claus, but that is no sign that there is no Santa Claus.

"The most real things in the world are those that neither children nor men can see. Did you ever see fairies dancing on the lawn? Of course not, but that's no proof that they are not there. Nobody can conceive or imagine all the wonders there are unseen and unseeable in this world.

"You tear apart the baby's rattle to see what makes the noise inside, but there is a veil covering the unseen world which not the strongest man, nor even the united strength of all the strongest men that ever lived, could tear apart.

"Only faith, poetry, love, romance can push aside that curtain and view and picture the supernal beauty and glory beyond. Is it all real? Ah, Virginia, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding.

"No Santa Claus? Thank God he lives, and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Virginia, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to make glad the heart of childhood."

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)