DEAR ABBY: I live and work in the Maryland area where a majority of the sniper shootings took place. I want the world -- and the murderers -- to know that in the terrible days of fear and uncertainty before the arrests, the people of this area came closer together than I ever thought possible. Law enforcement worked countless hours overtime. Adults used their own bodies to shield children going into schools in the morning and out at the end of the day.

On the morning of the last shooting, I had to take my car to the garage. I was not prepared to leave it overnight and had not arranged for transportation home. No one I called for a ride was home. I was amazed when a total stranger offered to give me a lift. As we drove, we talked. We had a lot in common, including feelings of despair at the senseless loss of life and pain that had been forced on all of us during the shooting spree.

Abby, I offer this example of kindness to the families and friends of each victim, along with this message: The evil of two brought out the kindness and compassion of thousands. Our pain doesn't compare to yours, who tragically lost your loved ones, but please know you are in our hearts and prayers. -- KAREN GILLETTE, HYATTSVILLE, MD.

DEAR KAREN: That's very well said. No one in any part of the country could watch the news without feeling empathy for the families of the victims and the fear experienced by those living in the areas that were affected.

DEAR ABBY: I was married last June. My husband and I are both 34. Last weekend, he got together with his buddies, went out drinking, and brought home two condoms he hid in his sock drawer. I found them yesterday. We do not use this method of contraception, and I went through the roof.

He swears he hasn't slept with anyone and does not intend to. He says his friends had them and he simply took a couple, not really thinking it was a big deal.

I feel that it IS a big deal. He must be contemplating something if he bothered to keep them. I feel that I made a huge mistake trusting him enough to marry him. He says he is sorry and didn't mean to hurt me. What should I do? -- HURT AND ANGRY IN BOSTON

DEAR HURT AND ANGRY: If your husband hadn't thought it was any big deal, he wouldn't have hidden the condoms. What happened may have been innocent, but you're entitled to know exactly what was going on in reality and in your husband's head. Some sessions with a counselor may be able to help you two communicate with each other in a nonjudgmental environment. The sooner, the better.

DEAR ABBY: My wife and I have been married for 19 years. Our relationship has been going downhill for some time. We've been to three marriage counselors, but no one seems to be able to help. We have two wonderful sons, 9 and 5.

I am very unhappy with my marriage and want a divorce, but our elder son, "Jacob," was diagnosed with leukemia last summer. The guilt I feel because of my ill child is overwhelming. I love him more than life itself.

Jacob's cancer is being treated successfully and the outlook is good, but I fear the effect that a divorce would have on him and our younger son. Any advice would be greatly appreciated. -- SAD DAD IN INDIANA

DEAR SAD DAD: Get a referral from the medical center where your child is being treated and make an appointment with a child psychologist to find out how a separation at this time would affect your son in his recovery. After that, you'll know what to do, and when to do it.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 32-year-old single female. My past has been filled with physical, mental and emotional abuse that began when I was 5. I always believed that even though my past was bad, things would get better.

Well, two marriages and several bad relationships later, it seems I only attract men who are either physically abusive, emotionally unavailable, or both. All of my relationships are somehow abusive.

I am so sad and lonely that I have even considered suicide. I know I have something to live for, but I just don't know what. Could there be something in my character that tells men I am an easy target for them? Please help me. -- LOST AND UNLOVED IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR LOST: There is nothing lacking in your character. You were brought up to believe that physical abuse, mind games and lack of emotional support were normal behavior that should be tolerated.

Can this be overcome? Absolutely! However, you'll have to rebuild your expectations from the ground up. Until this is done, I'd advise you to abstain from romantic involvement. Professional counseling will speed the process. You have much to live for. But in order to reach your goal, you'll have to "unlearn" many of the things you have taken for granted as normal.

DEAR ABBY: I love your "no gifts" message for invitations: "Your friendship is a treasured gift, and we respectfully request no other." I use it a lot.

Now I need a phrase or short note that will allow my 78-year-old mother to give treasured heirlooms to the person of her choice.

I would have loved to receive the banana pudding bowl that belonged to my dear late aunt. It elicited many cherished memories. It was faded and chipped, and I'm sure it was at some point thrown away.

Abby, you have a way with words, so I'm looking forward to your response. Thanks! -- LORI RAMPEY, PIEDMONT, S.C.

DEAR LORI: How's this: "This ( ) has been in my family for many years and is a treasured heirloom. May it bring as much enjoyment to you as it has to me and our family. With love, ..."

DEAR ABBY: I am facing my worst nightmare. While I was still dating my husband, I had an affair with a married man. I broke it off when my husband-to-be proposed. I never told my fiance about the affair.

Last week, I learned that the wife of the man I was involved with found one of the "intimate" items I had given him. She has now gone to a lawyer and is seeking a divorce. I am afraid I may be called to testify if the divorce proceedings go that far.

I am scared to tell my husband. I'm afraid he will leave me if he finds out. I have been completely faithful my entire marriage -- and plan to remain so.

What should I do, Abby? Confess to my husband that I cheated prior to marrying him -- or wait and see if the attorney or the wife of my ex-lover contacts me? -- SCARED AND LOST IN FLORIDA

DEAR SCARED AND LOST: How you have conducted yourself since your marriage began is more important than any youthful indiscretion. As far as your "need" to confess, you've now confessed to my readers and me. Let the past stay buried for now. If you receive a summons to testify in the divorce, there'll be plenty of time to tell your husband about this episode from your past.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 38-year-old woman facing a tough dilemma. My parents divorced when I was 7. My father was a drunk and a wife beater and refused to pay the $5 a week that Mom asked for the four of us. He spread nasty rumors around town, which caused my mother untold stress. He brought his drunken friends into our bathroom when I was in the tub with no shower curtain. He would drag me out of bed in the middle of the night and make me take off my nightgown while he whipped me with a belt. I do not hate the man -- I have no feelings for him at all.

The problem is my aunt -- his sister -- who always remembered each of our birthdays with a $20 bill. We lived far below poverty level with no welfare because Mom didn't want us to grow up expecting a handout. Last week my aunt sent me a birthday card and asked me to do her a personal favor by sending my father the get-well card she had enclosed, as he just had surgery for cancer. She said it would mean the world to him and to her.

I love my aunt -- she's recovering from cancer, too. She has never asked me for anything, but her request is very hard for me. My aunt has always thought her brother was the victim of my "mean" mother -- who, by the way, raised three good kids who never tried drugs, have high morals and strong work ethics. In her letter, my aunt said that someday I would find out my parents' "whole story -- the true one." Abby, I KNOW the true one. I lived it!

Should I write to my aunt and tell her the "true story" of her abusive brother? Or should I grant her wish and send a get-well card to my father -- the wife beater and child abuser? Please help. -- LOSING SLEEP IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR LOSING SLEEP: By all means, write to your aunt. Tell her how much you appreciate her kindness and all she has done for you and your siblings over the years. Be sure to assure her that you know she means well, but make it clear that you are unable to do as she requested -- and tell her exactly why.

DEAR ABBY: My 19-year-old son just lost his best friend to suicide. He is deeply hurt and torn over this, and I don't know what I can do to help him. He has been getting drunk ever since it happened.

I went to the funeral with my son, but he didn't want to sit with me. He sat with his friends. After the service, he rode with them to the cemetery, but they somehow got lost in traffic and arrived too late for the burial. I know that's what is hurting him most right now, since he was asked to be a pallbearer and didn't get to do the last thing he could do for his best buddy.

All this took place on Friday; I have not seen my son until now. It is early Sunday morning; he just came home drunk and crying. He went straight to bed, and I could hear him crying himself to sleep.

When I ask him if he's OK, he says yes -- but I know he's not. I'm afraid he is going to get worse, because he's taking this so hard. The boys were as close as brothers. In fact, he was closer to his friend than his own brother.

My heart is breaking for my son, Abby. What can I do for him? -- BROKENHEARTED MOM IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR BROKENHEARTED MOM: Get him into grief counseling immediately. Your son is in pain and needs professional help. Drowning his sorrows in a bottle will not help your son, and could put him in a dangerous situation. He needs a safe place to express his sadness, his anger and his loss. Your family physician or clergyperson can help you locate a therapist or a support group.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)