DEAR ABBY: I am a 38-year-old woman facing a tough dilemma. My parents divorced when I was 7. My father was a drunk and a wife beater and refused to pay the $5 a week that Mom asked for the four of us. He spread nasty rumors around town, which caused my mother untold stress. He brought his drunken friends into our bathroom when I was in the tub with no shower curtain. He would drag me out of bed in the middle of the night and make me take off my nightgown while he whipped me with a belt. I do not hate the man -- I have no feelings for him at all.

The problem is my aunt -- his sister -- who always remembered each of our birthdays with a $20 bill. We lived far below poverty level with no welfare because Mom didn't want us to grow up expecting a handout. Last week my aunt sent me a birthday card and asked me to do her a personal favor by sending my father the get-well card she had enclosed, as he just had surgery for cancer. She said it would mean the world to him and to her.

I love my aunt -- she's recovering from cancer, too. She has never asked me for anything, but her request is very hard for me. My aunt has always thought her brother was the victim of my "mean" mother -- who, by the way, raised three good kids who never tried drugs, have high morals and strong work ethics. In her letter, my aunt said that someday I would find out my parents' "whole story -- the true one." Abby, I KNOW the true one. I lived it!

Should I write to my aunt and tell her the "true story" of her abusive brother? Or should I grant her wish and send a get-well card to my father -- the wife beater and child abuser? Please help. -- LOSING SLEEP IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR LOSING SLEEP: By all means, write to your aunt. Tell her how much you appreciate her kindness and all she has done for you and your siblings over the years. Be sure to assure her that you know she means well, but make it clear that you are unable to do as she requested -- and tell her exactly why.

DEAR ABBY: My 19-year-old son just lost his best friend to suicide. He is deeply hurt and torn over this, and I don't know what I can do to help him. He has been getting drunk ever since it happened.

I went to the funeral with my son, but he didn't want to sit with me. He sat with his friends. After the service, he rode with them to the cemetery, but they somehow got lost in traffic and arrived too late for the burial. I know that's what is hurting him most right now, since he was asked to be a pallbearer and didn't get to do the last thing he could do for his best buddy.

All this took place on Friday; I have not seen my son until now. It is early Sunday morning; he just came home drunk and crying. He went straight to bed, and I could hear him crying himself to sleep.

When I ask him if he's OK, he says yes -- but I know he's not. I'm afraid he is going to get worse, because he's taking this so hard. The boys were as close as brothers. In fact, he was closer to his friend than his own brother.

My heart is breaking for my son, Abby. What can I do for him? -- BROKENHEARTED MOM IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR BROKENHEARTED MOM: Get him into grief counseling immediately. Your son is in pain and needs professional help. Drowning his sorrows in a bottle will not help your son, and could put him in a dangerous situation. He needs a safe place to express his sadness, his anger and his loss. Your family physician or clergyperson can help you locate a therapist or a support group.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This is a first for us, but I just had to write after my experience with your famous pecan pie recipe.

My husband read the recipe in your column last year and asked me to make one for Thanksgiving. We had our family over for dinner, and when I asked if anyone would like dessert, our son-in-law asked for the pecan pie. I served him a slice, and his response was, "D---, this is good!"

Shortly thereafter, without being asked, our son-in-law got up from the table and proceeded to clean up the kitchen. A first! I told him with that kind of reaction I'll make Abby's pecan pie for him EVERY holiday. Thanks, Abby. -- DOROTHY AND JIM SMITH, LE SUEUR, MINN.

DEAR DOROTHY AND JIM: You're welcome. That wasn't the first time this recipe has made people do wonderful and unexpected things. Here it is:

ABBY'S FAMOUS PECAN PIE

9-inch unbaked pie crust

1 cup light corn syrup

1 cup firmly packed dark brown sugar

3 eggs, slightly beaten

1/3 cup butter, melted

1/3 teaspoon salt

1 teaspoon vanilla

1 heaping cup pecan halves

Heat oven to 350 degrees.

In a large bowl, combine corn syrup, sugar, eggs, butter, salt and vanilla; mix well. Pour filling into unbaked pie crust; sprinkle with pecan halves.

Bake at 350 degrees for 45 to 50 minutes or until center is set. (Toothpick inserted in center will come out clean when pie is done.) Cool. If crust or pie appears to be getting too brown, cover with foil for the remaining baking time.

You can top it with a bit of whipped cream, but even plain, nothing tops this!

Serves 8 to 10.

TIP: The original recipe stated that the pie should be baked 45 to 50 minutes in a preheated 350-degree GAS oven. If an electric oven is used, it may be necessary to add 15 to 20 minutes to the baking time. (Begin testing the pie with a toothpick after 45 minutes.)

DEAR ABBY: What does "heavy cream" mean in recipes? I often see the term used, but it doesn't say what it is. Thanks! -- NOVICE COOK IN BENTON, KY.

DEAR NOVICE COOK: I checked with Charlice Makowski of Santee Dairies in Los Angeles. She reports that there are actually four kinds of cream:

-- Light cream, which has not less than 18 percent or more than 30 percent butterfat;

-- Whipping cream, which has between 34 and 36 percent butterfat;

-- Heavy cream, which has between 36 and 38 percent butterfat; and

-- Manufacturer's cream, which contains 38 to 40 percent butterfat and is used by delis and bakeries for items such as cream puffs.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I lost my spouse -- the love of my life -- to lung cancer. It is unbelievable what a person has to endure with this disease. The biopsy, diagnosis, rounds of chemo, X-rays, scans, needles, poking and prodding. The prognosis is usually poor unless it is caught early enough to be surgically treated.

When I see people smoking, I want to stop and tell them what my husband went through: struggling to breathe -- even on oxygen. Being dependent on someone else for care. Difficulty walking distances -- even to the bathroom. My husband endured multiple hospitalizations, fighting off pneumonia, being tethered to an IV. All the caregiver can do is watch someone he or she adores die a little more one day at a time.

Why can't smokers understand that one puff isn't worth the heavy price? There are plenty of other things that can make you ill or kill you. Please don't add cigarettes -- something you CAN control.

Toss the smokes! Give them up, or better yet, NEVER START. You may think you have plenty of time, but the love of my life was only 49. Do this for yourself and for those who love and care about you. -- K.O. IN MISSOURI

DEAR K.O.: Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. Your letter is a timely one because today marks the 26th annual Great American Smokeout. For those who do not already know, the American Cancer Society's Great American Smokeout is the day that smokers can challenge themselves to quit smoking -- if only for just one day.

Smoking is the most preventable cause of death in our society, yet an estimated 47 million adults in the United States currently smoke. And youth smoking seems to be on the rise. (Between 1991 and 1999, smoking among high school students rose substantially from 28 percent to 35 percent.)

This year approximately 169,400 new cases of lung cancer will be diagnosed in the U.S., and 154,000 will die of the disease. Research has also brought to light other tobacco-related cancers, including cancer of the mouth, pharynx, larynx, esophagus, pancreas, uterine cervix, kidney and bladder.

So, Dear Readers, if you're hooked on tobacco and have been saying, "One of these days I've got to quit," please take my advice and start now. Join the Great American Smokeout and quit today.

For more information about how to get involved in the Great American Smokeout and to learn about tobacco cessation strategies, call (800) 227-2345 or visit www.cancer.org.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years. We have decided to elope.

I want to let my family know about the marriage, but I'm not sure how to go about it. Are announcements OK, or do they seem like a request for presents? I am clueless about the proper thing to do. Thanks a bunch! -- WONDERING IN SOUTH ELGIN, ILL.

DEAR WONDERING: Wedding announcements after your elopement are a perfectly acceptable way to let friends and family members know the happy news. Only those who accept wedding INVITATIONS are expected to give gifts. However, relatives and close friends will probably want to present you with a "token" gift of some kind to mark the occasion.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)