DEAR ABBY: I have a 16-year-old son, "Jordy." He has a lot of guy friends who occasionally sleep over on weekends, listening to CDs and playing on the computer. They are all good kids. They talk to me and are respectful of the house.

A few weeks ago, on a Saturday night at about 11 p.m., Jordy and three other guys were in the driveway playing basketball. A neighbor called the police to complain about the noise. Two officers showed up and spoke to the boys. The kids were quick to apologize. The police never spoke to me -- I was in the house with the door open, but was unaware of the incident.

I was angry that a neighbor would call the police before talking to me or the boys first. Eventually, I found out which neighbor made the call; I confronted him. Now he's put out with me for "making a big deal" out of the fact that the cops were called.

Jordy and his friends never meant to cause trouble. They were having fun and got carried away with their laughter. The arrival of the squad car embarrassed them.

Frankly, I'm glad I can provide a safe place for them to hang out, so they're not wandering around town being bored.

I wish neighbors would be just that -- neighbors. I thought we were supposed to look out for each other. I'm trying to let this go, but I won't be satisfied until that neighbor apologizes to Jordy and his friends. Am I right, Abby? -- PITMAN, N.J., MOM

DEAR MOM: I don't know your neighbor; however, it is possible he is the kind of person who dislikes confrontation -- and that's why the police were called. Police routinely investigate noise complaints. The fact they stopped by isn't going to mar anyone's record.

It's unfortunate that the neighbor didn't complain to you or the boys first, but I don't think an apology is called for. Now that you know you have a noise-sensitive neighbor, have the boys in the house by 10 p.m., or ask him to let you know when the boys are too loud.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl who learned something very special last holiday season. I learned there's more to Christmas than just getting gifts -- it's also GIVING gifts. Some families can't afford to give their kids presents.

My family participated in a program through my mom's work called Adopt-a-Family. Through this program, you receive a piece of paper with the name and address of a needy family. There is also a list of some items that they want or need. We bought gifts for a mother and her two sons who are 6 and 7.

Instead of requesting DVD players and computer games, these kids wanted warm clothes and board games. Those little boys wanted things that are practical. The mother also listed items like towels, washcloths, dishes and a toaster.

If more families quit thinking about what they want and gave more thought to what others need, they could also help a needy family around Christmastime and other times. If they do, it will make their Christmas a whole lot better! -- WANTING TO HELP IN OREGON

DEAR WANTING TO HELP: That's a terrific idea. Families, churches and businesses who would like to participate in such a program should contact the local department of social services or local churches and get the names of needy families. Blessed are those who give from the heart -- and bless you for a wonderful suggestion.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm in a pickle. I have three very good male friends in my life whom I care for. "One" lives out of state, while "Two" and "Three" live nearby. I spend a great deal of time with the two local men -- separately, of course. They know about each other, but have never met.

Lately there seems to be a contest going on to see who gets to "keep me"! I enjoy going out with both of these two guys and don't like the idea of being considered "territory." I've never promised either of them anything and have never lied to them or led them on.

The man I HAVE promised something to is "One," who lives far away. He knows I go out and have fun with the other two guys, but says he doesn't mind because they're "just friends."

My dilemma is that both of the locals want to move in with me. I've so much as said it's not possible, but each is persistent. Every day I feel worse about this situation and have no idea how to get out of it.

Abby, I'm not using anyone, if that's what you are thinking. We always split the cost of meals, movie tickets, etc. I intend to remain loyal to "One," but all I want right now is a guy to have around to go out with or cuddle up with and watch a movie on TV. Help! -- UP A CREEK IN A SINKING BOAT

DEAR UP A CREEK: You may not think you are using anyone, but the two local fellows you are seeing might not agree. If you are "cuddling" with them, I can understand why they would want more. They have formed a romantic attachment with you because they think you're available and are interested in them.

The honorable thing to do is to tell them that your heart belongs to "One" and let them find someone who is available. Form some friendships with women so you won't be lonely while waiting for your "one and only" to return.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl. I have a nice family, except for one thing. Every once in a while, my grandmother, "Nanie," on my father's side, wants me to spend one or two nights at her house. The problem is, our personalities clash. I like sports, playing in the school band, etc. She wants me to learn how to sew, cook, grow vegetables and play canasta. She fusses over me and bothers me no end.

I recently wiggled out of one of those overnights, and my father and Nanie smelled a rat. If I tell my father how I feel, he will get angry. (My mother is playing neutral.)

I really do love Nanie a lot. She's old and sensitive, and I don't want to hurt her feelings -- or my Dad's -- or create a family rift. Abby, can you think of a way to tell Nanie to stop treating me like a 9-year-old? -- GETTING MATURE IN TEXAS

DEAR GETTING MATURE: Maturity is a process of growth, and both you and Nanie need to learn the art of compromise together. Learning to sew, cook and maintain a garden are handy and practical skills. But in return, your grandmother should cheer you on in your athletic competitions and applaud when you march with the band.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed a letter from a woman who is in prison for killing her live-in abuser, with the promise that today I would print the warning signs of a potential abuser. Read on:

The following signs of an abusive partner have been adapted with permission from the Project for Victims of Family Violence in Fayetteville, Ark.:

(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of, "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustices of things that are just a part of life.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also, may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper), or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) RIGID SEX ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it."

If the abuse has gone this far, it's time to get out! The toll-free number for the domestic violence hot line is (800) 799-7233.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)