DEAR ABBY: I'm in a pickle. I have three very good male friends in my life whom I care for. "One" lives out of state, while "Two" and "Three" live nearby. I spend a great deal of time with the two local men -- separately, of course. They know about each other, but have never met.

Lately there seems to be a contest going on to see who gets to "keep me"! I enjoy going out with both of these two guys and don't like the idea of being considered "territory." I've never promised either of them anything and have never lied to them or led them on.

The man I HAVE promised something to is "One," who lives far away. He knows I go out and have fun with the other two guys, but says he doesn't mind because they're "just friends."

My dilemma is that both of the locals want to move in with me. I've so much as said it's not possible, but each is persistent. Every day I feel worse about this situation and have no idea how to get out of it.

Abby, I'm not using anyone, if that's what you are thinking. We always split the cost of meals, movie tickets, etc. I intend to remain loyal to "One," but all I want right now is a guy to have around to go out with or cuddle up with and watch a movie on TV. Help! -- UP A CREEK IN A SINKING BOAT

DEAR UP A CREEK: You may not think you are using anyone, but the two local fellows you are seeing might not agree. If you are "cuddling" with them, I can understand why they would want more. They have formed a romantic attachment with you because they think you're available and are interested in them.

The honorable thing to do is to tell them that your heart belongs to "One" and let them find someone who is available. Form some friendships with women so you won't be lonely while waiting for your "one and only" to return.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl. I have a nice family, except for one thing. Every once in a while, my grandmother, "Nanie," on my father's side, wants me to spend one or two nights at her house. The problem is, our personalities clash. I like sports, playing in the school band, etc. She wants me to learn how to sew, cook, grow vegetables and play canasta. She fusses over me and bothers me no end.

I recently wiggled out of one of those overnights, and my father and Nanie smelled a rat. If I tell my father how I feel, he will get angry. (My mother is playing neutral.)

I really do love Nanie a lot. She's old and sensitive, and I don't want to hurt her feelings -- or my Dad's -- or create a family rift. Abby, can you think of a way to tell Nanie to stop treating me like a 9-year-old? -- GETTING MATURE IN TEXAS

DEAR GETTING MATURE: Maturity is a process of growth, and both you and Nanie need to learn the art of compromise together. Learning to sew, cook and maintain a garden are handy and practical skills. But in return, your grandmother should cheer you on in your athletic competitions and applaud when you march with the band.

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DEAR READERS: Yesterday I printed a letter from a woman who is in prison for killing her live-in abuser, with the promise that today I would print the warning signs of a potential abuser. Read on:

The following signs of an abusive partner have been adapted with permission from the Project for Victims of Family Violence in Fayetteville, Ark.:

(1) PUSHES FOR QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Comes on strong, claiming, "I've never felt loved like this by anyone." An abuser pressures the new partner for an exclusive commitment almost immediately.

(2) JEALOUS: Excessively possessive; calls constantly or visits unexpectedly; prevents you from going to work because "you might meet someone"; checks the mileage on your car.

(3) CONTROLLING: Interrogates you intensely (especially if you're late) about whom you talked to and where you were; keeps all the money; insists you ask permission to go anywhere or do anything.

(4) UNREALISTIC EXPECTATIONS: Expects you to be the perfect mate and meet his or her every need.

(5) ISOLATION: Tries to cut you off from family and friends; accuses people who are your supporters of "causing trouble." The abuser may deprive you of a phone or car, or try to prevent you from holding a job.

(6) BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS OR MISTAKES: It's always someone else's fault if something goes wrong.

(7) MAKES OTHERS RESPONSIBLE FOR HIS OR HER FEELINGS: The abuser says, "You make me angry," instead of, "I am angry," or says, "You're hurting me by not doing what I tell you."

(8) HYPERSENSITIVITY: Is easily insulted, claiming hurt feelings when he or she is really mad. Rants about the injustices of things that are just a part of life.

(9) CRUELTY TO ANIMALS AND CHILDREN: Kills or punishes animals brutally. Also, may expect children to do things that are far beyond their ability (whips a 3-year-old for wetting a diaper), or may tease them until they cry. Sixty-five percent of abusers who beat their partner will also abuse children.

(10) "PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE DURING SEX: Enjoys throwing you down or holding you down against your will during sex; finds the idea of rape exciting.

(11) VERBAL ABUSE: Constantly criticizes or says blatantly cruel, hurtful things; degrades, curses, calls you ugly names. This may also involve sleep deprivation, waking you up with relentless verbal abuse.

(12) RIGID SEX ROLES: Expects you to serve, obey, remain at home.

(13) SUDDEN MOOD SWINGS: Switches from sweet to violent in minutes.

(14) PAST BATTERING: Admits to hitting a mate in the past, but says the person "made" him (or her) do it.

(15) THREATS OF VIOLENCE: Says things like, "I'll break your neck," or "I'll kill you," and then dismisses them with, "Everybody talks that way," or "I didn't really mean it."

If the abuse has gone this far, it's time to get out! The toll-free number for the domestic violence hot line is (800) 799-7233.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I never imagined I would find myself trapped in an abusive relationship, let alone end up in jail for shooting my abuser -- but that's where I am.

My live-in abused me for years. Once our son was born, his brutality increased, and my baby was used as a pawn to prevent me from calling the police. The one and only time I did call for help, all they did was tell my partner to leave the house and sleep somewhere else. Never was I advised to get a protection order or offered any other assistance.

Once my baby's father saw what he could get away with, the beatings increased in frequency and severity. If I'd attempt to call 9-1-1, he would grab our son and his diaper bag and threaten to disappear with our child if I made the call.

When I actually tried to leave with the baby, my abuser promised he'd kill me before I reached the door. He said if I managed to get away, he'd track me down at my parents' home out of state and "take care of me" there.

I was too ashamed to tell my co-workers, friends and acquaintances that I was being abused. I covered my bruises with makeup and was careful to keep my distance for fear someone would see the marks. I was afraid if anyone discovered the beatings, this man would abuse me more -- or kill me -- so no one knew how terrified I was.

After hearing our toddler scream in terror as he watched his father give me the worst beating of my life, I finally decided to protect myself. I bought a gun (complete with child safety lock), thinking that when he came after me again, he'd see I had a gun and leave me alone.

I had never owned or fired a gun in my life and didn't intend to use that one. It was meant to be a scare tactic, but he was accidentally shot fatally.

In a state of panic, I hid his body for two months before being arrested. I was charged with murder and now face the death penalty.

My little boy is in foster care. My abuser's relatives, who ignored him for the first 20 months of his life, are now fighting my parents for custody. I have not seen my child since the day I was arrested. My parents' world has been turned upside down.

Abby, please urge every abused woman to speak out and tell people what is happening at home -- AND THEN RUN. Run as fast and as far away as possible. It's better to run than to have someone lose their life. Some may fear if they run, they'll lose everything. Wrong! They'll lose everything if they STAY.

If my letter saves just one victim of abuse, it will have been worth it. My life and future are over. I traded the prison of domestic abuse for a real-life prison. Sign me ... LOST IT ALL IN PHILADELPHIA

DEAR LOST IT ALL: My prayers are with you, and I hope you are dealt with more compassionately by the legal system than you were by the person who drove you to desperation. I also hope that others will learn from your bitter experience.

Tomorrow I will print once again the 15 warning signs of an abuser.

A NOTE TO PARENTS OF YOUNG CHILDREN: Tonight is the night when wee witches and goblins collect their loot. Please supervise them so they'll be safe.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)