DEAR ABBY: I had an eye-opening experience last Sunday. Our 13-year-old son has always seemed fairly happy and well-adjusted. As we were about to leave for church, I looked at him and I could feel that something was not right. His face had a desperate look. I asked him, "Are you OK?" and that was all it took. My boy began sobbing and told me he'd been crying every night for the past two weeks. I knew he'd had some trouble sleeping, but I thought it was just growing pains.

I immediately began asking all kinds of questions -- and listened carefully to everything he said. I told him we would get him help the next day. Just the fact that I believed him and was willing to take action seemed to lift some of the burden he's been carrying around.

His father and I and both of his grandparents have all had problems with depression. The doctor later told our son how fortunate he is to have parents who don't minimize their children's feelings.

Abby, I cannot impress enough to parents the importance of paying attention to their children's moods and body language. In their own quiet way, kids try to tell you when something is wrong. Our sons and daughters are gifts to be cherished. If you sense something is wrong, KEEP ASKING! -- GRATEFUL MOTHER IN MINNESOTA

DEAR GRATEFUL MOTHER: Your son is also fortunate that because of your family history, you were sensitive to the signs of depression and recognized them for what they were. Depression also strikes people who have no family history.

Anyone, regardless of age, who experiences any five of the following symptoms for two weeks or more should consult a mental health professional:

(1) Feeling of sadness and/or irritability.

(2) Loss of interest or pleasure in activities once enjoyed.

(3) Changes in weight and appetite.

(4) Changes in sleep patterns.

(5) Feeling guilty, hopeless or worthless.

(6) Inability to concentrate, remember things or make decisions.

(7) Fatigue or loss of energy.

(8) Restlessness or decreased activity noticed by others.

(9) Thoughts of death or suicide.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 18 years. One year ago, my mother-in-law informed me that her adult daughter (my sister-in-law) has a problem with me calling her parents Mom and Dad. Needless to say, my feelings were hurt, and for the past year I have felt very uncomfortable not knowing what to call them. I would feel strange calling them by their first names now.

I finally found the courage to ask my sister-in-law if she was really bothered. She said, "Yes. You have your own parents." I couldn't believe she felt this way, especially after all these years. We've always gotten along -- or so I thought.

My questions are: Does my sister-in-law have issues? Should I continue to call them Mom and Dad? -- ANNOYED IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR ANNOYED: Call your in-laws whatever you wish -- as long as it's OK with THEM. Your sister-in-law is jealous. This is her problem. Don't make it yours.

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DEAR ABBY: Of course, you make your living giving your know-everything advice to needy deficients, but that does not excuse patronizing error.

You were wrong in telling "A Survivor in Florida" -- who was raped by her stepfather when she was 11 -- to harpoon her elderly, sick mother who didn't protect her, in order to exorcize what she should have resolved for herself, with psychiatric aid if necessary. Better for her to have said to her mother, "I love you," than rehash her childhood sexual abuse.

What do you know about what a woman has to do to maintain support for five children, and then, to justify her errors to herself? (And live with them.) Furthermore, do you have any assurance that harpooning the sick, elderly mother with the writer's ideas of "the truth" would result in "exorcizing" for either party? You have more responsibility to folk than that, even if that is "what you are there for." -- ANGRY IN PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR ANGRY: The people who write to me are not "deficient." They are people less hostile than you, who have problems they would like an outside opinion in dealing with.

The elderly mother in this case sacrificed her 11-year-old daughter in order to continue to live with the monster she had married and who had raped her little girl! That mother has lived her entire adult life in blissful denial while the victim had to carry not only the burden of the crime that was committed against her, but the accusation that she had been "trying to steal her mother's husband."

I feel it is more important that "Survivor" live out her remaining years with her head up and the truth off her chest than for her mother to die with the big lie unchallenged. Sex with an 11-year-old is RAPE. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I, too, was raped by my stepfather when I was 7. For years it haunted me, and I turned to alcohol and drugs at 13. Finally, at 15, my mother and I had a big fight and I told her what happened. It was a huge relief for me even though the statute of limitations had run out. "Survivor" should tell her mom before it's too late. If the woman refuses to believe her, then God will help her see the "real him" when the time comes. -- RELIEVED IN S.C.

DEAR RELIEVED: I hope so.

DEAR ABBY: You were terrific to respond to that woman the way you did. From ages 11 to 16, I was also an incest victim of my natural father. I went through the same behavior, fears and more. At 19, once at college, I took myself to counseling -- against my family's wishes. Please tell this woman to calmly confront her mother. She probably knew anyway and is blocking it. I found that out at 24. -- VETERAN SURVIVOR, GAINESVILLE, FLA.

DEAR SURVIVOR: I'm pleased you had the wisdom to seek help as early as you did. And now, I would like to quote from a letter I received from Marge Harrison of Eutawville, S.C. She is a wise lady:

"Abby, in dealing with the horror of rape, such as this woman was, it is important to remember that the reason mothers were quick to blame the victim years ago is that there was so much denial and stigma at the time. The belief was that the victims 'got themselves into the situation,' and were therefore responsible. The belief was so prevalent that even the victims believed this lie. It is only in recent years that society puts blame for rape on the aggressor -- where it belongs."

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DEAR ABBY: I recently witnessed something outside the local Kmart that left me livid. A man was speaking to a young lady in a foreign language, when all of a sudden, another man who appeared to be in his 60s began to chastise them for not speaking English. His exact words were: "What the hell is the matter with you? This is America. People speak English here!" He stormed off when I stepped in and pointed out that HIS ancestors weren't born here, and they probably didn't speak English, either.

When I ride the train to work, I see people with Middle Eastern backgrounds get dirty looks from other passengers. Where exactly is this "newfound patriotism" I keep hearing about? All I see are people using terrorism as an excuse to act like bigots.

Patriotism isn't slapping an American flag on your car. It's remembering the principles this country was built on. THAT is how you honor the people who died protecting our freedom, not by infringing on the rights of people who aren't exactly the same as you. -- A DISILLUSIONED AMERICAN

DEAR DISILLUSIONED: What happened in front of Kmart was a textbook example of xenophobia, which Webster's defines as "fear and hatred of strangers or foreigners or of anything that is strange or foreign." Unless the person who did the "chastising" was a part of the conversation, he was rude, aggressive, and a mile out of line.

With the recent war on terrorism and fear of terrorist activity from the Middle East, there have been incidents of hostility aimed at people from Middle Eastern backgrounds and those who resemble them. With that in mind, it's important to remember that no one can tell by looking what is going on in other people's hearts. It is quite likely they are American-born or naturalized citizens, and as fervently patriotic as those of us who have been here for generations.

DEAR ABBY: I am a Hispanic male. Most of my extended family lives in Mexico. My parents and some aunts, uncles and cousins live near me in East Texas.

My girlfriend, "Cyndi," and I have been dating for three years. She recently decided to move to San Antonio to be closer to her parents -- and to "find herself."

Cyndi has met my parents several times and told me she intended to learn Spanish so she could better communicate with them. (They speak little English.) I was delighted because when we visit my family in Mexico, Cyndi would not feel left out of our conversations.

Cyndi and I spoke over the weekend. She told me she had signed up for language classes. When I called her last night, she informed me that she's taking German. Then she gave me a lecture about how my family needs to learn English because they live in America. (They try hard.) Then I asked her how she intends to communicate with my family in Mexico. She ignored the question.

Abby, Cyndi and I have split up several times over the past three years. We always seem to find something to argue about. Now this. What do you think about this, and what should I do? -- ERNESTO IN EAST TEXAS

DEAR ERNESTO: Face it. Cyndi has no interest in communicating with your family. She's moved on. Tell her adios or auf Wiedersehen -- whichever comes first.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)