To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: You printed a letter from "Daughter Who Needs to Know," a 14-year-old girl whose father had died three years ago. She had not been told her father had a terminal illness, and she still doesn't know the cause of death. She asked whether that information was any of her business and if she should ask her stepmother.

You told her she had every right to know, and that she was old enough to be told now. When I read that letter, a flood of emotions came back to me.

My mother died of breast cancer when I was 15. I watched her deteriorate for three years, Abby, and when I asked questions, I was shoved aside because my father felt I was too young to know.

Three weeks before my mother's death, I did something. I stormed out of the room and went to the basement to sulk. My father followed me and said the most hurtful words I have ever heard. He said, "Your mother is upstairs dying by inches, and you're mostly responsible for it!"

I had no idea she was dying. I was devastated. I felt robbed of years of being able to share with her, talk about important things, and after she died, the sense of loss only got stronger.

I am 49 now and in therapy. Most of the things that come up have to do with Mom and how the situation was handled. I realize that my parents were trying to protect me, but in the end, I felt robbed and abandoned.

Please tell folks like "Daughter Who Needs to Know" they are not alone. Given the belief systems of the parents of that era, I'm sure there are a lot of us. -- STILL GETTING OVER IT IN ARKANSAS

DEAR STILL: I am sorry for your pain, and I think you have hit the nail on the head. In their zeal to protect you from the pain of gradually losing your mother, your parents left you open to the trauma of her sudden loss. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My heart goes out to "Daughter Who Needs to Know." I am a hospice nurse and have worked with many families dealing with terminal illness. Another reason the parents didn't tell the child may have been because they themselves had not yet come to terms with the devastating news. To discuss such news is to admit that it is true, and this is frequently hard for patients to do.

Much of the work we do in hospice is helping patients and their families accept the prognosis and cope with the grief of their loss. Hospice families are followed for a year after the death of a loved one to support them as they grieve.

Even though it has been three years since this young lady's father died, she and her family may benefit from grief counseling and/or a grief support group. A local hospice would be one source of these services. I hope this helps the young lady and her family as well as many others. -- MARTI BOGDEN, NEW CASTLE, PA.

DEAR MARTI: Thank you for a helpful letter. For those who may not know, hospice is a program that is available for patients who have a prognosis of no more than six months to live. It offers pain medication and counseling to patients and their families, as well as grief counseling. The national hotline number is (800) 658-8898. The Web address is www.nhpco.org.

Other helpful resources for grief support groups and counseling are the social services office of your local hospital, churches, or your local mental health providers.

DEAR READERS: Twenty-two years ago today, Oct. 22, 1980, my mother, Pauline Phillips, published a letter in her column from a woman signed "Desperate." Desperate's 60-year-old husband had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's disease. She asked if Mother had ever heard of it, and how other spouses of Alzheimer's patients coped with it.

Mother stated in her reply that approximately 1 million people had Alzheimer's disease, and that families and friends of Alzheimer's sufferers had banded together to form an association to provide support, develop and disseminate helpful information and to encourage much-needed research to fight the disease.

With that column, a little-known disease received international attention. Within weeks, the Alzheimer's Association received more than 25,000 pieces of mail requesting information, volunteering services and donating money.

Over the years, Mother and I devoted a steady stream of columns to raising awareness of Alzheimer's disease, publicizing the association's programs and services, and supporting them financially. We watched with satisfaction as they grew into the largest private funder of Alzheimer research and the premier source of information and support for everyone touched by the disease.

How ironic that this disease should eventually strike my own dear mother -- a woman known for her sharp intellect and quick wit. Her diagnosis reinforces our sense of stewardship in the success of the Alzheimer's Association.

Research offers the only hope of discovering the answer to Alzheimer's disease. Through the association's efforts, federal funding for Alzheimer's research has grown from $13 million in 1980 to almost $600 million today. The association's goal is to increase that commitment to $1 billion. Unless a cure is found, an estimated 14 million more people will have this disease by the year 2050.

I will work more closely than ever with the Alzheimer's Association to achieve our shared goals -- to eliminate this thief of the mind through research, and to enhance the quality of life for individuals, caregivers and families like our own.

If you or someone you love needs the Alzheimer's Association's help -- or wants to join this cause -- call (800) 272-3900. Someone will be there to receive your call 24 hours a day, seven days a week. Or visit the Alzheimer's Association online at www.alz.org.

DEAR ABBY: In July of last year, my niece left her 1-month-old daughter with me, saying it would be for only a week. It is now well over a year later, and I am still taking care of her.

The baby's mother has seen her only three times in the year she's been with me. I've grown to love this little girl and think her mother's absence is unfair to her.

I have made the decision to try to gain legal custody of the child. Abby, do you think I'm wrong in doing so? -- LOVING AUNT IN THE BRONX

DEAR LOVING AUNT: Not at all. The child has been abandoned in your custody. By all means, consult a lawyer as soon as possible. It will be better for the child, and for you. Since you are acting as a parent, you should have the legal authority in case it becomes necessary.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I read your column faithfully, and I respect and trust your advice. My concern is for a nephew living with my sister in another state. "Bret" is 19. He lives at home, rarely leaves the house, and spends his days in front of the television or at the computer. His weight currently tops 300 pounds. (He's about 5 foot 10.)

Bret dropped out of school at 16 and eventually earned his G.E.D. He cannot or will not get a job and refuses to go to classes or counseling. His mother, her boyfriend and two brothers are classic enablers. They provide him with everything he needs. They are literally killing him with kindness.

I am very worried about Bret and at a loss as to what I can do, if anything. Any suggestions would be appreciated. -- FRUSTRATED ON THE WEST COAST

DEAR FRUSTRATED: You're right; Bret's family is doing him no favor by enabling him.

Your nephew needs a friend. Make an effort to get closer to him, one-on-one. If it's difficult to visit him in person, start talking to him online and invite him to come to visit you. If he accepts, try, without being pushy, to show him some of the possibilities that are available to him outside his home environment and away from the computer. If you know people his age, introduce him. It's a start in the right direction.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old college student. I have been dating a wonderful man I'll call Cyrus for two years. He is sweet, good to me, and I am deeply in love with him. Cyrus has seizures that prevent him from driving a car or working full time. He lives with his mother and stepfather and receives a monthly disability check from the state.

When I tell people about my relationship with Cyrus, the first thing out of their mouths is, "What does he do for a living?" When I explain the situation, some of them turn up their noses and say, "Well, that doesn't sound like a very good excuse."

Abby, I want to marry Cyrus someday. However, these comments have made me wonder if he is the right person for me. I am not a spoiled or snobbish person who will marry only for money.

Should I ask Cyrus to consider finding a part-time job? Should I tell everyone to mind their own business? What should I do? -- WILLING IN WHEELING, W.VA.

DEAR WILLING: Make it your business to research all the information you can about your boyfriend's condition and how it may impact your future -- emotionally and financially. Love can conquer all; however, it's best to fully understand what to expect before making a lifetime commitment.

DEAR ABBY: I am 11 years old. Almost every time I go to the store to buy something, someone bugs me because I'm a kid. A couple of weeks ago I was in a store and a rude lady decided to get in front of me. She pushed me right out of line. After waiting 15 minutes, I left. I went home so mad I couldn't believe it. If it happens again, what should I do? -- A.J.M. IN AUBURN, N.Y.

DEAR A.J.M.: You have two choices. One, you can defer to the rude adult and chalk it up to the person's lack of manners, or two, speak up and in a loud voice proclaim, "Excuse me! I was here in line first." Sometimes asserting oneself can shame the offender into backing off.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)