DEAR ABBY: I was in a seven-year relationship with a wonderful married man I'll call Hank. We were discreet and respectful with his wife. She died three months ago after a lingering illness. A month after that, Hank suggested we date openly and talked as though we were a couple.

Two weeks ago, he canceled our plans at the last minute, saying he had had a "surreal experience" and "what was OK then is not OK now." He would not be more specific. I begged for an explanation and closure. He refused to be more specific and became defensive. We have not spoken since.

Abby, I am still reeling from this because I thought we had a strong friendship and a foundation for something in the future.

Friends have told me that rejection of the mistress after the death of a wife is very common. Can you give me some insight into the emotional dynamics of this situation? -- FORMER MISTRESS IN MOURNING

DEAR FORMER MISTRESS: Yes. It could be delayed guilt -- or his "surreal experience" was with someone else.

DEAR ABBY: I am 52 years old and have been married for 22 years to my second husband. We have four teenage sons. I was widowed at 22 when my first husband was killed in Vietnam. I was pregnant and lost our child when I was told of my husband's death.

I was 30 when I married my second husband. He knows, of course, that I was married before, but for some reason I never felt confortable telling his parents. (My children know.) I think his parents always suspected something, but they've never asked me directly.

My problem is, I am afraid this information will slip someday, and my in-laws will be hurt and angry at me. What do you think I should do? -- WANT TO DO THE RIGHT THING

DEAR WANT: This has stayed in the closet for too long. You are acting as though you have a shameful secret. Being the widow of a man who gave his life for his country is nothing to be ashamed of. It should be a point of pride.

Call a family meeting with your in-laws, and with your husband at your side, tell them. They deserve to know the truth, and it will ease your conscience.

DEAR ABBY: My sister-in-law has only a few months to live. She's called everyone in the family to explain her situation and to express her last wishes here on Earth. We are grateful she has been granted this time to take care of loose ends and to express her feelings.

Since we are never taught how to deal with death, what do you say to someone you love, who is dying, to make them feel better about themselves?

My conversations with her feel awkward and forced. I feel tongue-tied and at a loss for words. I think about her daily and want to call her, but what can I say? -- AT A LOSS FOR WORDS

DEAR AT A LOSS: Talk about the good times. Let her know she has made a difference. Point out the positive achievements of her life, all the people who know and love her, her personal and business successes, and what her presence has meant to the people whose lives she has touched and always will. It's OK to cry. Tears are healing, and it will be therapeutic for both of you.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: "Mystified in the Midwest" wrote that her pastor's wife has a big mouth and confides things about people who see her husband for counseling.

You advised that the wife be told that her gossip could end her husband's career -- and that if it continues the pastor should be told.

Abby, you failed to address the person who bears the primary responsibility for the breach of confidentiality in pastoral counseling, the pastor. He should not discuss the contents of his counseling sessions with anyone in the congregation, including his wife.

He might, under some circumstances, appropriately discuss this content with a colleague for purposes of supervision or consultation. In such cases, however, he can take steps to protect the privacy of the counselee.

Instead of confronting the pastor's wife, "Mystified" should confront the person ultimately responsible for the leaks -- the pastor! If his behavior does not change, the writer should discuss the matter with whomever bears responsibility for overseeing the pastor's ministry. -- THE REV. KATHERINE F. LONG, FIRST UNITED METHODIST CHURCH, GRAPEVINE, TEXAS

DEAR REVEREND LONG: You're right. Doctors, psychotherapists, physicians, social workers, lawyers and members of the clergy all have a professional responsibility to protect their patients', clients' and parishioners' confidentiality. (The exception to this is if the person is suicidal or a danger to himself or others.)

DEAR ABBY: Fifteen years ago, at our pastor's urging, we were to confess our sins during a church service to our designated prayer partner. My sin, I confessed, was that I was having "out-of-wedlock sex." (I was a 40-year-old divorcee at the time.)

My prayer partner quickly told her husband, who told the pastor, who told his wife. The latter two paid me a visit and I was put out of the church. The emotional trauma of this action was devastating.

"Mystified's" pastor had no right to disclose what he was told to his gossiping wife, just as my prayer partner had no right to blab my sin to her husband. The church I attended dissolved. -- STILL HURTING IN HOLLIDAYSBURG, PA.

DEAR STILL HURTING: I don't blame you for feeling traumatized. Your confidence was violated, and then you were publicly shamed. I'm not surprised that the church eventually dissolved. By the time they were finished evicting "sinners," there was no one left to attend.

DEAR ABBY: One quick question: What are the telltale signs of a cheating spouse? -- SUSPICIOUS TEXAN

DEAR SUSPICIOUS: A few to ponder:

1. Secretiveness.

2. A sudden change in manner of dress and grooming.

3. Unexplained absences.

4. Less affectionate.

5. Unfamiliar charges on credit card bills.

6. Strange phone numbers on phone bill.

7. Hang-ups on your home phone.

8. More business trips than usual.

While one or two of these could be innocent, if there are four or more -- look out! Readers, care to add any?

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 37 and my husband, "Bernie," is 41. We have been married for 15 years. Our children are 2 and 4. Between our work and caring for the kids, Bernie and I have lost the ability to enjoy each other's company.

In the past, I considered Bernie my best friend. Now he's no longer able to laugh or lighten up. For instance, when we occasionally hire a baby sitter and go out for dinner, all he'll talk about is how much the dinner costs and his "plan" for when we return home. He'll say, "I will pay the sitter; then we'll get the children ready for bed. While I get their pajamas, you start the bath water ..." He goes on and on -- as if we don't do these same things every night of the week! I told Bernie he acts like I am a maid he just hired, but he seems compelled to repeat our routine regardless.

Bernie gives me no longing looks or loving smiles. I wear attractive clothes, offer to pay for dinner and tell funny stories. Nothing I do puts him in a good mood. He seems to be happy only when he's with his golfing buddies. His excuse is, "You're a mother now." Please help me. My self-esteem couldn't be lower. -- LONGING TO SHARE HAPPINESS

DEAR LONGING: Your husband may have an obsessive-compulsive disorder that would explain why he repeats the ritual of putting the children to bed. Medication has proven to be helpful for it, if a person is willing to admit there is a problem and discuss it with a doctor.

His loss of interest in you "because you are a mother" and his retreat to the golf course are problems that can be resolved only through psychotherapy for him and marriage counseling for the both of you. Please don't wait to ask your doctor for a referral. If Bernie refuses to go, go without him. This is not your fault, so please don't blame yourself. Your husband appears to have more baggage than a carousel at O'Hare airport.

DEAR ABBY: Thirty-four years ago, when I was 16, I became pregnant. My parents sent me to a home for unwed mothers where I placed my baby for adoption upon birth.

Two years ago, my birth daughter located me. I agreed to meet her and her family. She had been adopted by a loving and devoted couple. Unfortunately, both parents have recently passed away. The young woman has now decided that I should take on the role of mother to her. She has made it clear that she thinks that I "owe it to her."

Abby, this person is a stranger to me. I do not have a mother/daughter bond with her, and quite honestly, I have no desire to create one. I have my own family and do not want my life turned upside down. I am willing to be her friend or acquaintance, but NOT her mother.

I wish I had never agreed to meet her or to let her know my identity. Why can't she just accept that I will never be a mother to her and leave me alone? -- BIRTH STRANGER

DEAR BIRTH STRANGER: The young woman is clinging to you because the parents who raised her are dead and she thinks you're all she has. She is an adult. Tell her the truth. You gave her life, and besides friendship, that's all you're able to give her.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)