DEAR ABBY: "Mystified in the Midwest" wrote that her pastor's wife has a big mouth and confides things about people who see her husband for counseling.

You advised that the wife be told that her gossip could end her husband's career -- and that if it continues the pastor should be told.

Abby, you failed to address the person who bears the primary responsibility for the breach of confidentiality in pastoral counseling, the pastor. He should not discuss the contents of his counseling sessions with anyone in the congregation, including his wife.

He might, under some circumstances, appropriately discuss this content with a colleague for purposes of supervision or consultation. In such cases, however, he can take steps to protect the privacy of the counselee.

Instead of confronting the pastor's wife, "Mystified" should confront the person ultimately responsible for the leaks -- the pastor! If his behavior does not change, the writer should discuss the matter with whomever bears responsibility for overseeing the pastor's ministry. -- THE REV. KATHERINE F. LONG, FIRST UNITED METHODIST CHURCH, GRAPEVINE, TEXAS

DEAR REVEREND LONG: You're right. Doctors, psychotherapists, physicians, social workers, lawyers and members of the clergy all have a professional responsibility to protect their patients', clients' and parishioners' confidentiality. (The exception to this is if the person is suicidal or a danger to himself or others.)

DEAR ABBY: Fifteen years ago, at our pastor's urging, we were to confess our sins during a church service to our designated prayer partner. My sin, I confessed, was that I was having "out-of-wedlock sex." (I was a 40-year-old divorcee at the time.)

My prayer partner quickly told her husband, who told the pastor, who told his wife. The latter two paid me a visit and I was put out of the church. The emotional trauma of this action was devastating.

"Mystified's" pastor had no right to disclose what he was told to his gossiping wife, just as my prayer partner had no right to blab my sin to her husband. The church I attended dissolved. -- STILL HURTING IN HOLLIDAYSBURG, PA.

DEAR STILL HURTING: I don't blame you for feeling traumatized. Your confidence was violated, and then you were publicly shamed. I'm not surprised that the church eventually dissolved. By the time they were finished evicting "sinners," there was no one left to attend.

DEAR ABBY: One quick question: What are the telltale signs of a cheating spouse? -- SUSPICIOUS TEXAN

DEAR SUSPICIOUS: A few to ponder:

1. Secretiveness.

2. A sudden change in manner of dress and grooming.

3. Unexplained absences.

4. Less affectionate.

5. Unfamiliar charges on credit card bills.

6. Strange phone numbers on phone bill.

7. Hang-ups on your home phone.

8. More business trips than usual.

While one or two of these could be innocent, if there are four or more -- look out! Readers, care to add any?

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DEAR ABBY: I am 37 and my husband, "Bernie," is 41. We have been married for 15 years. Our children are 2 and 4. Between our work and caring for the kids, Bernie and I have lost the ability to enjoy each other's company.

In the past, I considered Bernie my best friend. Now he's no longer able to laugh or lighten up. For instance, when we occasionally hire a baby sitter and go out for dinner, all he'll talk about is how much the dinner costs and his "plan" for when we return home. He'll say, "I will pay the sitter; then we'll get the children ready for bed. While I get their pajamas, you start the bath water ..." He goes on and on -- as if we don't do these same things every night of the week! I told Bernie he acts like I am a maid he just hired, but he seems compelled to repeat our routine regardless.

Bernie gives me no longing looks or loving smiles. I wear attractive clothes, offer to pay for dinner and tell funny stories. Nothing I do puts him in a good mood. He seems to be happy only when he's with his golfing buddies. His excuse is, "You're a mother now." Please help me. My self-esteem couldn't be lower. -- LONGING TO SHARE HAPPINESS

DEAR LONGING: Your husband may have an obsessive-compulsive disorder that would explain why he repeats the ritual of putting the children to bed. Medication has proven to be helpful for it, if a person is willing to admit there is a problem and discuss it with a doctor.

His loss of interest in you "because you are a mother" and his retreat to the golf course are problems that can be resolved only through psychotherapy for him and marriage counseling for the both of you. Please don't wait to ask your doctor for a referral. If Bernie refuses to go, go without him. This is not your fault, so please don't blame yourself. Your husband appears to have more baggage than a carousel at O'Hare airport.

DEAR ABBY: Thirty-four years ago, when I was 16, I became pregnant. My parents sent me to a home for unwed mothers where I placed my baby for adoption upon birth.

Two years ago, my birth daughter located me. I agreed to meet her and her family. She had been adopted by a loving and devoted couple. Unfortunately, both parents have recently passed away. The young woman has now decided that I should take on the role of mother to her. She has made it clear that she thinks that I "owe it to her."

Abby, this person is a stranger to me. I do not have a mother/daughter bond with her, and quite honestly, I have no desire to create one. I have my own family and do not want my life turned upside down. I am willing to be her friend or acquaintance, but NOT her mother.

I wish I had never agreed to meet her or to let her know my identity. Why can't she just accept that I will never be a mother to her and leave me alone? -- BIRTH STRANGER

DEAR BIRTH STRANGER: The young woman is clinging to you because the parents who raised her are dead and she thinks you're all she has. She is an adult. Tell her the truth. You gave her life, and besides friendship, that's all you're able to give her.

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DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter from "Teen Held Captive" who complained about her parents (especially her dad) being too strict.

I went through the same thing with my parents. I'm now 25 and mature enough to understand that their actions when I was 16 were motivated only by the purest and deepest love for me and my siblings, for which I am thankful.

Some of my friends whose parents were too permissive used drugs, drank alcohol, became promiscuous and got pregnant or took risks that carried bad consequences. Because of my parents, I graduated from a university, achieved my personal and professional goals, and have nothing to regret. -- BEEN THERE TOO, AND HAPPY ABOUT IT, GARDEN GROVE, CALIF.

DEAR BEEN THERE: I received a ton of mail in response to that letter. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My best friend was constantly grounded for a month or more at a time for the smallest infraction. It made her angry and frustrated, which caused her to go crazy with the sense of freedom when she was able to get out from under her father's controlling eye. On her first night of freedom after being grounded, she put herself in a dangerous situation and got herself killed. She was only trying to have as much fun as she could in the short time she had before having to be back under her father's thumb. -- THE FLIP SIDE IN TEXAS

DEAR FLIP SIDE: You have described a tragedy -- and a parent's ultimate fear.

DEAR ABBY: It is unfair to that teen to shelter her to the extent that she'll be completely unprepared for the real world in two more years. Her parents aren't allowing her to learn street smarts or social skills, and she'll be vulnerable because of it.

Studies show that teens who engage in the least drug use or sex come not from the strictest households (and obviously not from the most permissive), but from moderate ones.

Please tell "Captive's" parents to lighten up a little, so she won't have to go through what I did. All they are fostering in her is anger and resentment. -- ASHLEY IN HIGHLAND PARK, N.J.

DEAR ASHLEY: You are right; there must be a sense of balance.

DEAR ABBY: I could have written that letter myself 15 years ago. That girl should sit down and ask her father what it is that keeps him from trusting her. His strict rules have little to do with protecting her; they have more to do with control and distrust.

The girl is almost an adult. Teens need space to make their own decisions and trust to help them make the right decisions. -- BEEN THERE AND LIED ABOUT IT, EVERETT, WASH.

DEAR BEEN THERE: Parenting is one of the most difficult jobs in the world, not only because it is the parents' job to make unpopular decisions, but because after it has become second nature, the parents must then start "letting go" so that as the child matures, he or she can learn to live independently. A word to the wise: When children are not permitted to make decisions and experience things on their own -- within reason -- they are unprepared to make sound decisions.

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