DEAR ABBY: I am a 13-year-old girl with a problem. Last spring, the day after we graduated from eighth grade, one of my friends was killed in a car accident.

Not a day goes by without my thinking about her -- or the words the principal said when he told our class the horrible news. I've read all the newspaper stories and have visited her grave. I plan on going again on her birthday. When I go to the cemetery and realize she is in the ground, I start crying a thousand tears.

I try to remember the good times we spent together -- the way she threw a ball and her big smile that could brighten anyone's day. She smiled all the time. (I used to be jealous of her because she was one of the prettiest girls in school.)

I would like to tell her family how much I loved her and to tell them all the good things we did together. I want them to know I am always thinking about her, but I don't know how to begin a letter. Can you help? -- MISSING MY FRIEND IN INDIANA

DEAR MISSING: I am sorry to learn you lost your dear friend. My heart goes out to you, her family and other friends.

Start the letter to the family by writing, "I'd like you to know the reasons I'll never forget your daughter ..." Such a letter will be a priceless treasure to her parents and will help you to work through your own grief.

DEAR ABBY: I have a sister I'll call Lisa, who refuses to contact any of the family. Granted, for years she was physically abused by our father, our mother was cold and emotionally abusive, and I guess the family in general was unsupportive. But no family is perfect. Right?

Everyone in the family thinks Lisa is being selfish, bitter and unforgiving, myself included. I stood by my family. Lisa turned her back.

The last time I talked to Lisa, she said she had suffered greatly due to the family and wants a life of her own. How can she do this? She claims she doesn't feel "safe" with us.

I know our family isn't perfect by any means, and I know I haven't been the greatest sister, but she can't just leave! Right? She has a responsibility to this family. Isn't she being neglectful to simply turn her back on us?

Abby, you know how important family is. How can I get Lisa to admit she is wrong and return to the family? -- FRUSTRATED SISTER IN CANADA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Lisa isn't being selfish, bitter or unforgiving. After a lifetime of abuse, she has somehow become healthy and refuses to tolerate being mistreated any longer.

The best advice I can offer is to accept her decision and wish her well. She has served her time and has gone on to better things. Console yourself with the fact that you and the family still have each other.

DEAR ABBY: There are two nice young men working in our office. One is being married in a few months, and the other man's wife is expecting a baby around the same time.

Is it appropriate to give them showers? How about a combined shower? Or is the whole idea of showers for men just not done? -- CURIOUS OFFICE MATE

DEAR CURIOUS: Not done? Joint showers are a terrific concept. Invite the bride-to-be and the mother-to-be and make it a "Jack and Jill" shower. I see nothing inappropriate about showering good wishes and all that goes with them on these young couples.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: After more than 49 years of a wonderful and happy marriage, my wife became ill and died within five days. I was overcome with grief. It has been four months, and I am still depressed and heartbroken. How long will it take for the heartache to go away?

From your experience, do you think it would be better to sell my home that we lived in 49 years with all the memories -- or wait a while? I live out in the country, and my small town and church offer very little social activity.

Abby, I can't seem to think clearly and would appreciate your advice. -- ROBERT IN NEW YORK STATE

DEAR ROBERT: Please accept my deepest sympathy for your loss. There is no set timetable for grieving the death of a loved one.

The best advice I can offer you is to get involved with a grief support group as soon as possible. You can be referred to one by your clergyperson or the hospital where your wife died. It's a step in the right direction.

Equally as important: Do nothing in haste. Make no important decision, such as what to do with your house, for one year. By then, you will be thinking more clearly and will be able to decide what is most practical for you.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a married man, "Randy," who is 20 years my senior. He is far more financially secure than I am, but I'm the one paying for our love affair. Wherever we go -- restaurants, motels, taxi rides -- I end up paying because he has "forgotten" his wallet with the credit cards.

Abby, I love Randy with all my heart, but I am going broke. Please tell me what to do without losing him or my self-respect. -- EMPTY POCKETS IN MISSISSIPPI

DEAR EMPTY POCKETS: Your married boyfriend isn't using credit cards because he's afraid his wife will find evidence of his affair with you -- and you're paying the price for it in more ways than one.

Try this: Stop carrying cash and leave your credit cards at home. Or better yet, drop this cheap, two-timing Casanova and find a more generous guy -- who's also single.

DEAR ABBY: Last week I turned in a history paper at school. I procrastinated until the last minute and plagiarized someone else's work off the Internet. The odds are my teach will not find out about it. However, I have a feeling that I will eventually get caught, receive a failing grade, and it will go on my permanent school record.

The thought of being found out is ruining my sleep and my social life. Is there any way I can rid myself of this horrible feeling of guilt? -- COPYCAT ON CAMPUS

DEAR COPYCAT: Yes. Write another history paper and give it to the "teach" as soon as possible. Just say, "Sorry this is late. It's the paper I should have turned in." Then pray he or she is lenient and respects your desire to correct your lapse in judgment.

Hint: Make sure the paper is your very best effort.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 32 years. His mother, "Lois," usually comes to visit for a few days once a year, but this time she wants to stay for a month.

My husband works from home and deals with numerous clients. We are also a foster family who takes in medically fragile children. Their care and medical appointments keep me very busy, plus I have them involved in community programs.

Our household presently consists of an 11-year-old foster son and an 11-year-old with special needs whom we adopted. Our adult son also lives with us.

During previous visits when Lois has been with us for as long as a month, she literally cries and whines when my husband and I can't spend what she thinks is enough time with her.

We do try to do special things as a family and, of course, make an effort to involve Lois. She does nothing but complain. When we got pricey third-row seats to the musical "Beauty and the Beast," her complaint was that the seats were not in the center.

Last Christmas she stayed for a month, even though we asked her not to. One night my husband and I got a sitter so we could go out for dinner. We needed some time alone.

When we got home, Lois was furious. My husband tried to explain that married people need a little time to themselves once in a while, and we meant her no disrespect.

Well, yesterday on the phone she rehashed the whole thing again. Lois insists that houseguests should never be left alone -- even when they stay for a month.

Abby, what do you think about this? My mother-in-law needs to hear it from someone else. -- CRAVING TIME TO OURSELVES, MIDWAY CITY, CALIF.

DEAR CRAVING TIME: If your mother-in-law plans to stay in your city for a month, she should make reservations at a nearby hotel or motel. For her to impose upon you and your husband and demand that you disrupt your schedule for her -- knowing it's a hardship -- is unconscionable.

There's an old saying that after three days, fish and houseguests go bad. Your mother-in-law's behavior proves how true it is.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl who is very distraught. My mother and I fight constantly over everything. Please don't tell me it's a common "teenage thing," because that isn't the case here.

Mom began taking birth control pills, and she blames her frequent rages on the medication. She has told me that she'd like to run away or commit suicide just to get away from me.

As hurt as I am by these statements, I cannot help but feel angry. I've tried to talk this out with her, but we always end up fighting.

Please help me, Abby. I don't know what to do. -- OVERWHELMED TEEN

DEAR OVERWHELMED: You are right to be concerned about your mother. Severe depression and a raging temper are not the usual side effects of birth control pills. She needs to be evaluated physically and emotionally to find out what is causing the problem.

It's important that you talk to an adult whom your mother trusts and who can convince her to call her doctor. Show the person this letter and tell him or her you wrote it. Your mother needs more help than I can offer in a letter.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)