DEAR ABBY: I have never written to a newspaper before, but when I saw the letter from the 12-year-old girl, "Mad at Dad in Virginia," who doesn't want to invite her "cheating" father to her wedding or have him walk her down the aisle when she marries, I knew I had to.

It takes two to make a marriage, and it takes a lot of pressure to break one up. My parents also divorced when I was a child. (My dad ran around, too.) Both of them remarried, and I had wonderful stepparents and wonderful stepsiblings. When I married, my stepdad urged me to have my father walk me down the aisle, but I listened to others in my family and excluded my father and his family from my wedding. My brother gave me away. BIG MISTAKE. Eventually I regretted I didn't have my father at my wedding.

I later realized that my father loved me as much as my mother did -- they just couldn't make their marriage work. Twenty-five years ago, I divorced my first husband and was married a second time. You guessed it. My father walked proudly beside me as I went down the aisle.

I hope when the girl gets older she will forgive her father and love him for who he is. -- BEEN THERE IN BUFFALO, N.Y.

DEAR BEEN THERE: I hope so, too. He didn't divorce his daughter; he divorced her mother. Thank you for sharing what you learned from experience. I advised the girl that although her anger at her dad and her protectiveness toward her mother were understandable, she should make no hard-and-fast decisions at this time. I also told her that when she is older she will better understand the reasons her parents' marriage had failed. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: When I was in my early 20s, my mother confided to me that my father had at one time cheated on her. (They are still married.) I was shocked and disappointed.

After thinking about it overnight, I decided that what happened between him and Mother didn't change what a terrific father he had always been to me. It takes two to tango, and my mother was wrong to share something so intimate with me. I believe the reason she did it was to show me he wasn't the perfect man I thought he was.

My advice to that little girl is to recognize that sometimes adults behave like children. Some parents who divorce want their child to take their side and selfishly try to get the child to love them best. Whatever the reasons the parents had for divorcing, the intimate details should be left to the adults.

I'm sure the father hasn't told his daughter why he strayed. I agree with you that she shouldn't rush to judgment about her father. -- DADDY'S GIRL, MONROE, GA.

DEAR DADDY'S GIRL: Divorce is usually painful for all concerned, and many times things are said in the heat of anger without considering what the consequences might be. A mother who is tempted to dump the dirty details of her husband's infidelities on her impressionable daughter should remember that a little girl's first love is her daddy. And the impression she has of him -- for better or worse -- may color her expectations of men for the rest of her life.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 39-year-old married woman who has lost all hope. My convictions and emotions are in severe conflict.

I'm a deeply devout person, which made the divorce from my first husband extremely traumatic. When I remarried, I made a religious commitment that I would make my second marriage work, and under no circumstances would I ever leave my new husband.

Because of that commitment, I feel I must honor my pledge -- even though there is no love, no intimacy and no marriage anymore. My husband has refused me children and provides me nothing but cold, unwanted solitude in our home. It's tearing me apart.

Even though the love is gone (on both sides) and I want out, counseling is not the answer because I have made a pledge to keep my marriage vows.

I know that being denied everything I need and want in life is the root of my constant, severe depression. My doctor has tried to help with prescriptions, but they're not working.

My husband is much older than I am and content to have me "there" for him. I feel more trapped in this marriage than I did in my first. How can I go on with life when there IS no life?

Abby, all I want is to get out of this marriage so I can start over -- but my oath is holding me hostage. Please help. -- SICK AT HEART

DEAR SICK AT HEART: Speak to your spiritual adviser to relieve you of the burden of your well-intentioned but unrealistic oath. It takes two committed people to make a marriage work, and your husband has broken his marriage vows by not fulfilling his responsibilities to be a partner who loves you as he loves himself. Ask yourself if a loving God would want you to remain in a loveless marriage that is a marriage in name only.

Your marriage ended a long time ago -- and since your husband is unwilling to work to revive it, the time has come to accept that reality and move on.

DEAR ABBY: I am 13 years old, and my mom died a couple of months ago. I have been living with my grandparents most of my life, but I still felt close to her.

My grandparents never approved of her as a mother, and I don't know how to ask them if I could visit her grave every once in a while.

Should I ask them, and if I do ask them, what should I say? Please help me. -- ANONY-MISS IN N.Y.

DEAR MISS: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your mother. Even though you lived apart, it is clear that you loved her very much.

Unless the cemetery is a great distance away, I see no reason why you shouldn't be permitted to visit your mother's grave and pay your respects. Tell your grandparents that you understand they had their differences with her, but she was still your mother, and you would like to do this because although she is gone, you still feel a bond with her. If they give you an argument, tell them I suggested you speak up. You have a right to your feelings. They are valid.

DEAR ABBY: I was born with a rare disorder that causes me to have spasms. I also have spina bifida. After many years, I found the man of my dreams, and we are being married next spring. What horrifies me is the fear of having a spasm while walking down the aisle. I have a lovely dress, but how will I get down the aisle gracefully without help from my walker? -- WORRIED BRIDE-TO-BE

DEAR WORRIED: Ask in advance that two reliable friends or family members be seated on the aisle and prepared to help you walk down the aisle in case you need them. Have your walker situated near the altar. Consider taking your vows seated rather than standing. Also consider decorating your walker with flowers and ribbons in case you need it. My best wishes to you and your fiance.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I received the enclosed "memo" from a friend. When I read it, I was floored. Once you read it, I'm sure you'll understand why. What's your take on this? -- AGAPE IN SYRACUSE, N.Y.

DEAR AGAPE: If the document you sent me is on the level, the bride-to-be appears to have an abundance of unresolved control issues and an astounding lack of tact. Read on:

MEMO TO MY ATTENDANTS: Hey, girls! Mom has your dresses for the wedding. She'll bring them to the shower next weekend. You can pick them up there. "Allison" sent me an e-mail asking what style shoes and jewelry to wear. Great question, Allison! There are so many details. I keep forgetting to tell my girls what to do.

This is an excellent opportunity to go over my expectations for each of you:

About the shoes, please wear tasteful flats. Most of you are taller than me. I'd rather you not all tower over me.

I want all of you to wear your hair down. Since "Babs" and Allison have similar hair, I'd prefer that Babs straighten hers and let Allison be the curly-haired girl. After all, she's my friend and you are just bridesmaids! I'm sure you understand.

"Judy" and "Molly," you have both mentioned that you intend to shed a few pounds. This would be the perfect time! Watch your diets; we will all start weekly weigh-ins. Allison could use some trimming down, too.

Also, you should all stay away from alcohol for at least a week before the wedding. None of us should be puffy or bloated. I think this is mainly for Babs, as none of my ladies drink all that much.

Other than that, I don't have any real suggestions. Oh, please don't go tanning! I prefer to blend in with you than stand out as the pale one!

Judy, Allison and Molly, please call me. There are a few other things that I need to go over with you on this topic. Babs, you are "Scotty's" friend so I wouldn't presume to tell you what needs to be corrected -- plus, your own wedding is coming up after mine. So I'm sure you're already more than a little aware of what you need to work on.

See ya'll on Saturday. Babs, remember you'll attend the shower with us girls rather than the paintball fun with the boys. Dress accordingly, dear!

DEAR ABBY: I recently married a wonderful man. I am 31; "Cliff" is 42. His mother, "Margie," is the problem. She lives down the street. Margie bought furniture for our home and gives us money when we come up short. Because of this, she thinks she can stick her nose into our personal business whenever she wants.

Don't get me wrong; I appreciate everything Margie has done for us because, without her, we wouldn't be nearly as well fixed. But how do I get her to back off and let Cliff and me live our own lives? -- WANTS NO STRINGS ATTACHED IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR NO STRINGS: When you accept money, there are usually invisible "strings" attached. As long as you continue to accept your mother-in-law's money, you will have forfeited your right to "live your own lives." You won't truly regain your independence until you have repaid her the money.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)