DEAR ABBY: I'm writing regarding the letter from the college freshman who signed herself "Looking for Fulfillment." She's the young woman who wants a specific man's child for "genetic reasons" without "trying to tie him down or ask for child support."

It never ceases to amaze me how self-centered and arrogant people can be. She stalks a guy for his sperm and tells him he can stay away and let her raise the baby. No thought is given to how the child will feel after he or she is born and wants to know where Daddy is.

My dad took off when I was 5. I still wonder where he is. That girl needs to visit Oz and find a brain and a heart. -- MISS T. IN PLANO, TEXAS

DEAR MISS T.: I agree that a child should have the right to know both parents. Children have a better chance to grow into stronger and more confident adults when both parents give them love, attention and guidance. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: That young woman needs help -– and I hope the man she had in mind recognizes it before it's too late. He should run for his life.

A woman I considered to be a very close friend for six years asked me to father her baby to fill a void in her life. She promised she would ask nothing from me in return. I was flattered. My ego was stoked by the idea she wanted my "special seed" because I'm such a great guy. So I did it.

She became pregnant, had the baby and moved away. I felt guilty and ashamed because I knew I had done the wrong thing. In the meantime, I met a terrific woman. We married and had a couple of kids. Five years into my marriage, this woman shows up with legal papers and a paternity test, requesting back child support since birth, health insurance, future child support, a college savings plan, and reimbursement for other past expenses related to the child. She told me she was "sorry" she had to do this to me, but she realized that raising a child on her own was a million times more difficult than she thought it was going to be.

My life is a complicated mess now. We are financially ruined. All the plans and dreams for my current family are gone –- everything has changed. I will do the right thing for the child's sake and be a father to him. But innocent lives have been changed forever because of my naivete and her "romantic" delusional thinking. -- A FOOL IN OAKLAND, CALIF.

DEAR SIR: Your experience proves how expensive "free love" can be. How much better it would have been if the woman who asked you to father her child had instead chosen to examine why she felt unfulfilled before rushing into motherhood.

"Looking for Fulfillment" said she wanted that particular man's baby for "genetic reasons." (His looks? Athletic ability? His brains?) It reminds me of a story I heard long ago concerning George Bernard Shaw. One night while he was at a dinner party, a somewhat tipsy actress who was famous for her beauty turned to him and said, "You know, we should have a child together. With my looks and your brains, it would have all the advantages in the world."

Shaw thought about it for a moment. "But dear lady," he replied, "what fate would await it if it inherited your brains and my looks?"

WORTH REMEMBERING: The best thing about telling the truth is that you don't have to remember what you said. (Submitted by Carl Young, Union City, N.J.)

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My family has always had its share of eccentrics, but my older brother, "Rusty," has me perplexed. His mother-in-law, "Louise," passed away six months ago and was cremated per her wishes. She left a considerable amount of money to my brother and sister-in-law -- well into seven figures. Rusty was always fond of his mother-in-law, and I recognize their bond, but his actions of late have grown bizarre.

Rusty now takes Louise's ashes with him to family functions, graduations, camping trips -- and even got a permit to take her remains sailing with them in the Caribbean.

Louise travels first class to more places and attends more functions as cremains than she did when she was flesh and blood. Meanwhile, our own dear mother is still living, and she is never invited to accompany them on any of these trips.

What's your reading of this? -- POOR BUT SANE BROTHER

DEAR BROTHER: Your brother could have separation issues with Louise, or he could be overwhelmingly grateful for the windfall she left them. He may bring the ashes to family functions in an effort to assure that Louise, although gone, is not forgotten.

Your signature indicates that you suspect your brother may have lost touch with reality. Mention your concerns to your brother. If he doesn't have a logical explanation, mention your concerns to his wife. If she agrees, he should have a mental and neurological evaluation.

DEAR ABBY: I met a wonderful man, "Ryan," whom I love dearly. We were planning on a June wedding, but I called it off because of his heavy credit card debt. I thought it should be paid off before we got married.

Also, Ryan has a way of hiding things from me that I feel should be out in the open. If he gets a call from a bill collector, he always goes into another room to talk. Shouldn't I be included in what's going on in his life?

I would offer to help with his debt, but Ryan makes three times as much money as I do. Plus, I have discovered that some of his credit card charges are from Internet porn sites. (He swears he no longer frequents them.)

Don't get me wrong, Abby. This man has done everything he can to get back on track financially so we can be married. But I still feel he's hiding little things from me -- mostly about money.

Am I making too much of this? What should I do or say when he talks about setting another wedding date? I'm not shy about speaking up and sharing my feelings, but somehow he isn't willing to open up and come clean with me.

Your advice would be greatly appreciated. -- WARY FIANCEE IN TENNESSEE

DEAR WARY: Trust is everything in a relationship -- and you and this man don't have it. Listen to your intuition, and if you do decide to marry him, insist on premarital and credit counseling first, and keep your own separate line of credit so his cannot ruin yours.

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DEAR ABBY: "Fearful in California," the mother of a newlywed young woman, wrote that her son-in-law, "Doug," was a nice guy, but verbally abusive when he drank. She said the next day Doug would conveniently "forget" what he had said or how badly he had behaved.

The daughter was frightened by her new husband's threats when he was drunk and feared that one day he'd carry them out. "Fearful" asked if you thought she should talk to her son-in-law and suggest he get help.

You advised her to stay out of it and that the daughter had to be the one to draw the line. You also said the daughter should join Al-Anon.

Abby, domestic abuse is not merely caused by alcohol. It's an issue of control. Domestic abuse thrives in solitude. That son-in-law needs to be made aware that his in-laws are watching. If this situation is fueled by alcohol, the son-in-law should seek help. If he doesn't, that mother needs to remove her daughter. Please let these people know they're right to be fearful. -- DR. MOURAINE R. BAKER, FOUNTAIN HILLS, ARIZ.

DEAR DR. BAKER: Although verbal abuse does tend to escalate over time, I saw no reason for the parents to step in now. Drunks (and abusers) tend to blame others for their own problems. That's why I advised the mother to send her daughter to Al-Anon, where she would learn that no matter what the husband accused her of during his drunken rages, she was not responsible for his behavior. It's an important lesson. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My mom went through the same thing with my dad. Dad refused to believe my mom when she told him what he had said while he was drunk, so she videotaped him one night. She made him watch the tape the next day, and he was mortified at his behavior.

As a result he substantially altered his drinking.

If the daughter can't obtain a video camera, a simple audio tape recorder will do just as well. Mom had the camera just sitting casually on a table.

You were right to advise "Fearful" to steer her daughter to Al-Anon. Al-Anon gave my mother the courage to videotape Dad. It made all the difference in their marriage, which lasted 53 years until her death two years ago. That daughter is in for an increasingly abusive marriage if she doesn't put a stop to what's going on now. -- HAPPY DAUGHTER, SAUGERTIES, N.Y.

DEAR DAUGHTER: Thank you for suggesting videotaping the drunken husband. Other readers wrote to say they had done it, and that it had shocked the drinkers into getting the help they so desperately needed. Denial is an integral part of alcoholism. Unless it can be overcome, the drunk won't admit there is a problem and seek help.

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Fearful in California" was correct. If the mother confronts the son-in-law, it will either cause the daughter to defend him and cling to him even more, or cause the son-in-law to blame his wife for the mother's actions. I know because it happened to me.

Mom didn't consult me before she staged an "intervention," thinking it would help. My husband thought I had put her up to it, and he made my life even more hellish than it had been. Of course, I was determined to prove Mother wrong. So I stayed with him another hellish three years, until my nerves were shot and my bank account was empty. I might have left sooner if Mom hadn't meddled. -- HAPPY NOW IN COLUMBUS, OHIO

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