DEAR ABBY: "Fearful in California," the mother of a newlywed young woman, wrote that her son-in-law, "Doug," was a nice guy, but verbally abusive when he drank. She said the next day Doug would conveniently "forget" what he had said or how badly he had behaved.

The daughter was frightened by her new husband's threats when he was drunk and feared that one day he'd carry them out. "Fearful" asked if you thought she should talk to her son-in-law and suggest he get help.

You advised her to stay out of it and that the daughter had to be the one to draw the line. You also said the daughter should join Al-Anon.

Abby, domestic abuse is not merely caused by alcohol. It's an issue of control. Domestic abuse thrives in solitude. That son-in-law needs to be made aware that his in-laws are watching. If this situation is fueled by alcohol, the son-in-law should seek help. If he doesn't, that mother needs to remove her daughter. Please let these people know they're right to be fearful. -- DR. MOURAINE R. BAKER, FOUNTAIN HILLS, ARIZ.

DEAR DR. BAKER: Although verbal abuse does tend to escalate over time, I saw no reason for the parents to step in now. Drunks (and abusers) tend to blame others for their own problems. That's why I advised the mother to send her daughter to Al-Anon, where she would learn that no matter what the husband accused her of during his drunken rages, she was not responsible for his behavior. It's an important lesson. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My mom went through the same thing with my dad. Dad refused to believe my mom when she told him what he had said while he was drunk, so she videotaped him one night. She made him watch the tape the next day, and he was mortified at his behavior.

As a result he substantially altered his drinking.

If the daughter can't obtain a video camera, a simple audio tape recorder will do just as well. Mom had the camera just sitting casually on a table.

You were right to advise "Fearful" to steer her daughter to Al-Anon. Al-Anon gave my mother the courage to videotape Dad. It made all the difference in their marriage, which lasted 53 years until her death two years ago. That daughter is in for an increasingly abusive marriage if she doesn't put a stop to what's going on now. -- HAPPY DAUGHTER, SAUGERTIES, N.Y.

DEAR DAUGHTER: Thank you for suggesting videotaping the drunken husband. Other readers wrote to say they had done it, and that it had shocked the drinkers into getting the help they so desperately needed. Denial is an integral part of alcoholism. Unless it can be overcome, the drunk won't admit there is a problem and seek help.

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Fearful in California" was correct. If the mother confronts the son-in-law, it will either cause the daughter to defend him and cling to him even more, or cause the son-in-law to blame his wife for the mother's actions. I know because it happened to me.

Mom didn't consult me before she staged an "intervention," thinking it would help. My husband thought I had put her up to it, and he made my life even more hellish than it had been. Of course, I was determined to prove Mother wrong. So I stayed with him another hellish three years, until my nerves were shot and my bank account was empty. I might have left sooner if Mom hadn't meddled. -- HAPPY NOW IN COLUMBUS, OHIO

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: Three weeks ago, a dear friend, "Mary," died, only four days after being diagnosed with lung cancer. I spent those four days in the hospital with her, sleeping in a chair by her bed at night.

Her husband, "Jim," was also by her side. He held her hand and spoke to her even though she could no longer speak due to the morphine that was controlling her pain. The time we spent at the hospital was only the second time I had met him. We talked for hours while we sat in Mary's room. I thought Jim was a very sweet man.

Last week, Jim said he wanted to see me. I didn't think much about it because I had helped him with some insurance documents. When we met, I was surprised when he expressed a desire to spend time with me.

Abby, I'm not sure Jim should be dating anyone at this time. I think he may be lonely. Any suggestions? -- E.H. IN VIRGINIA BEACH

DEAR E.H.: I agree that Jim is lonely, and it's too soon for him to make any important decisions. However, I see no reason why you and he can't see each other on a more or less platonic basis for a few months -- until the shock of losing his wife subsides. You appear to be a caring and sensible woman. He may -- or may not -- be transferring his feelings for Mary to you because you were such a good friend. Trust your judgment.

DEAR ABBY: I am 15. I just found out my father was married before he married my mother. He had a couple of kids with his first wife.

My parents are very upset that I know and are against my having any relationship with my half-siblings. I realize I didn't grow up with them, but it would be nice to meet them since I am an only child.

Can you think of anything I can do to convince my parents to let me talk to them? -- LONELY SIBLING IN NOVA SCOTIA

DEAR LONELY SIB: Not at this time. Since they are uncomfortable with your contacting your siblings, wait until you are 18.

Family secrets like the one you have described usually have a way of revealing themselves sooner or later. I don't know the circumstances of your father's divorce, but it's important to prepare yourself for the possibility that the children your dad left behind might not know about -- or want a relationship with -- you. It sometimes happens.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Brian," volunteers for a wide variety of extracurricular activities outside our home. Consequently, he never has time to do things around the house that I need him to do -- and believe me, I don't ask for much.

Last year, Brian elected to take charge of all social functions at his workplace. During the Christmas holidays, he became so immersed in his duties, we didn't even put up a Christmas tree at home. (I was laid up with a sprained ankle and couldn't do it.)

He has also volunteered to make monthly group lunches for his co-workers, yet he never lifts a finger in the kitchen at home. I feel like a broken record begging him to pitch in around the house, but what else can I do? -- WIFE OF VOLUNTEER OF THE YEAR IN MARYLAND

DEAR WIFE: Your husband appears to be using outside activities as a substitute for something that's missing at home. It's time you stopped "nudging" him and found out exactly what that is.

You can accomplish it faster through marriage counseling than beating around the bush, so stop nagging and ask your doctor for a referral. If Brian refuses to go, please go without him. You'll learn a great deal -- and that's a promise.

DEAR ABBY: Six months ago, my brother, "Don," and husband, "Bill," worked at the same company. Bill found out that Don was stealing merchandise and reported it. Bill's supervisor reported it to the police, and my brother was charged with a misdemeanor and sentenced to some community service.

Don and my parents discovered that Bill was the one who snitched on him, and they haven't spoken to us since. Abby, this is tearing me apart. I want Bill to be a part of my family. He feels he did what he had to do. My family thinks Bill should have kept his mouth shut. What do you think? -- STUCK IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR STUCK: Had your husband kept quiet about the fact your brother was looting the company, he would have been an accessory to the crime. It could have cost him his job -- or even jail time.

If your family persists in labeling your husband the villain, you and Bill should think twice about rejoining "the gang."

DEAR ABBY: Six months ago, my brother, "Don," and husband, "Bill," worked at the same company. Bill found out that Don was stealing merchandise and reported it. Bill's supervisor reported it to the police, and my brother was charged with a misdemeanor and sentenced to some community service.

Don and my parents discovered that Bill was the one who snitched on him, and they haven't spoken to us since. Abby, this is tearing me apart. I want Bill to be a part of my family. He feels he did what he had to do. My family thinks Bill should have kept his mouth shut. What do you think? -- STUCK IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR STUCK: Had your husband kept quiet about the fact your brother was looting the company, he would have been an accessory to the crime. It could have cost him his job -- or even jail time.

If your family persists in labeling your husband the villain, you and Bill should think twice about rejoining "the gang."

DEAR ABBY: I am a teen-ager who recently found out my father had a child through adultery. I feel awful. Not because I found the paternity suit papers while "snooping" through my father's dresser drawers while he and my family were out of town, but because how this must affect my mother, his wife of more than 20 years.

Abby, I can't stand to even look at my father anymore. I've lost all respect for him. We visit the small town where my parents grew up, and I'm sure everyone knows about my father's "secret child."

I haven't confronted my father, mother or sister. I am hurt, confused and angry. They know something is wrong. I feel like I'm having an emotional breakdown. Should I ignore the situation because I have nothing to do with it? Is this even any of my business? -- DISTURBED TEEN IN ARIZONA

DEAR DISTURBED TEEN: It wasn't your business until you made it so. Since you are feeling awful -- and acting out -- it's time to tell your parents what you discovered. Look at it this way: You and your father may both find confession is good for the soul.