DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Brian," volunteers for a wide variety of extracurricular activities outside our home. Consequently, he never has time to do things around the house that I need him to do -- and believe me, I don't ask for much.

Last year, Brian elected to take charge of all social functions at his workplace. During the Christmas holidays, he became so immersed in his duties, we didn't even put up a Christmas tree at home. (I was laid up with a sprained ankle and couldn't do it.)

He has also volunteered to make monthly group lunches for his co-workers, yet he never lifts a finger in the kitchen at home. I feel like a broken record begging him to pitch in around the house, but what else can I do? -- WIFE OF VOLUNTEER OF THE YEAR IN MARYLAND

DEAR WIFE: Your husband appears to be using outside activities as a substitute for something that's missing at home. It's time you stopped "nudging" him and found out exactly what that is.

You can accomplish it faster through marriage counseling than beating around the bush, so stop nagging and ask your doctor for a referral. If Brian refuses to go, please go without him. You'll learn a great deal -- and that's a promise.

DEAR ABBY: Six months ago, my brother, "Don," and husband, "Bill," worked at the same company. Bill found out that Don was stealing merchandise and reported it. Bill's supervisor reported it to the police, and my brother was charged with a misdemeanor and sentenced to some community service.

Don and my parents discovered that Bill was the one who snitched on him, and they haven't spoken to us since. Abby, this is tearing me apart. I want Bill to be a part of my family. He feels he did what he had to do. My family thinks Bill should have kept his mouth shut. What do you think? -- STUCK IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR STUCK: Had your husband kept quiet about the fact your brother was looting the company, he would have been an accessory to the crime. It could have cost him his job -- or even jail time.

If your family persists in labeling your husband the villain, you and Bill should think twice about rejoining "the gang."

DEAR ABBY: I am a teen-ager who recently found out my father had a child through adultery. I feel awful. Not because I found the paternity suit papers while "snooping" through my father's dresser drawers while he and my family were out of town, but because how this must affect my mother, his wife of more than 20 years.

Abby, I can't stand to even look at my father anymore. I've lost all respect for him. We visit the small town where my parents grew up, and I'm sure everyone knows about my father's "secret child."

I haven't confronted my father, mother or sister. I am hurt, confused and angry. They know something is wrong. I feel like I'm having an emotional breakdown. Should I ignore the situation because I have nothing to do with it? Is this even any of my business? -- DISTURBED TEEN IN ARIZONA

DEAR DISTURBED TEEN: It wasn't your business until you made it so. Since you are feeling awful -- and acting out -- it's time to tell your parents what you discovered. Look at it this way: You and your father may both find confession is good for the soul.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband's mother and sister died within the past two years. My husband of 26 years suffered a great loss. Nine months ago, he walked out on me and our children. He said he was no longer in love with me and hasn't been for five years. He said he was confused and needed time away to think. He told me he was moving in with a guy from his office.

I learned that was a lie. He's been living in New Jersey with a woman he'd been seeing for months. He had treated me like dirt for years, but I loved him anyway, so I accepted it.

He called last night to say he wants to come home. Since he's been gone, I have turned my life around, and I've never been happier. I think I deserve to be with a person who values me -- and he deserves everything that's coming to him. My family and friends think I should take him back. Am I doing the right thing? -- DOUBTING IN DELAWARE

DEAR DOUBTING: Your family isn't going to have to live with him -- you are. He treated you like dirt for years and damaged your self-esteem. Only in his absence have you been able to rebuild it. Don't take him back unless you still want to after many months of marriage counseling.

DEAR ABBY: I am married to a wonderful man who has a well-mannered 8-year-old son, "Derek." We also have two young children of our own. My husband is supposed to see Derek every other weekend. The problem is, Derek visits our home every weekend because his mother is off "doing her own thing."

I don't mind having Derek around, but it makes me angry that his mother is using us as free baby sitters. If we refuse, she sends Derek to one of her low-life relatives. She even drops him off at our house when he has a temperature and is contagious.

My husband says he would rather have Derek with us than with her family, but I am growing resentful because I work and have my own children to care for. What do you think? -- FEELING USED IN CLEVELAND

DEAR FEELING USED: Derek is your husband's child, and the only stabilizing influences in his life are his father and you. None of this is his fault. You are in a position to make a huge difference in his life -- and he will love you for it. Please try harder not to resent him.

DEAR ABBY: I am 17 and have been dating "Matt" for two years. We just started attending a small college together. Although I care for Matt, I am hoping that as our freshman year progresses, I can date other boys. (Matt is the only boy I have ever dated.) My mother is furious that Matt and I are attending the same school. She doesn't like him and has made it clear she wants me to break up with him.

Abby, should I tell Matt now that I want to date other people and just break up with him out of the blue? I tried to break up with him once before, and he became hysterical.

What should I do? -- STRESSED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR STRESSED: It would be beneficial for both of you to make a fresh start in college. Tell him you want to date others -- your mother demands it -- and that he should date others, too. If he becomes "hysterical" again, urge him to seek counseling at the student health center. He appears to need it because he is overly dependent on you, and that's not healthy for either of you.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 36-year-old single woman who has worked as a service dispatcher for the past four years. My longtime boyfriend died of cancer in January 2001.

My relationship with the techs at work is casual and friendly, but one has become very personal. I'll call him Mike. He has been with the company only since December, but we have become very close.

I told Mike about what I went through with my boyfriend's death. He was very understanding. Eventually we slept together. (I hadn't been with anyone since a year before my boyfriend died.)

What complicates things is that Mike is married. In the beginning, it sounded like a divorce was imminent, but since I slept with him, I'm not so sure.

I have tried to tell Mike I shouldn't see him anymore. He insists that he wants to be with me. My head tells me to break things off, but I feel deeply connected to him -- like I've known him forever, and I don't want to lose him.

He knew his wife only one month before they married 10 years ago. They now have two kids, 7 and 4. We haven't slept together other than that one time, but we spend every lunch with each other and time every day after work before Mike has to head home.

Are we having an affair, Abby? Should I feel bad for his wife? I see this man every day. I've told him I can't take this anymore, but he always talks me into keeping things as is. -- IN LOVE AND LOST, SOMEWHERE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR IN LOVE AND LOST: Yes, you are having an affair -- an emotional affair. And yes, you should feel bad for his wife. He is pouring time and energy into his relationship with you that rightfully should be directed to her and the children.

The only person who can help you out of this mess is you. Mike appears to like things just as they are. That's why he talks you into "keeping things as is." (What a salesman!)

You have experienced one great loss with the death of your boyfriend. It pains me to think about what awaits you when you finally realize that this relationship is going nowhere. Ask yourself how you will feel in another year -- or five, or 10 -- when things are still "as is."

Better to draw the line now. Trust me on that.

DEAR ABBY: I have a son who is 28 and going to (maybe) be a father. The young woman he is with had an old boyfriend, so they are not sure whose baby it is. (She is staying friends with both men.)

This is my first grandbaby, and I am trying not to be too happy for fear the baby is not my son's. They are going to perform a test after the baby is born to see who the father is, but in the meantime, I want to give a baby shower. I have been sick and don't know how much time I have left.

Every baby deserves to have a shower. Please tell me what to do. -- WANTING TO BE A HAPPY GRANDMA

DEAR WANTING: Have the shower anyway, as a loving gesture toward somebody's grandchild. There's a 50/50 chance it's yours, and if it's not, you will have done a good deed.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)