DEAR ABBY: I grew up in a home where my father beat my mother and sexually abused me. I am married now and the mother of two beautiful daughters. After my father died three years ago, I learned that my mother had known what he was doing to me and did nothing to protect me.

My husband's family says I should forgive and forget and let my children enjoy their grandmother. I told my kids what she had "allowed," and they now want nothing to do with her. I think a mother should protect her children at all costs. Am I wrong? Don't I have a right to be angry at her? -- OUTRAGED IN OMAHA

DEAR OUTRAGED: Unless your mother expresses deep regret for failing to protect you, I see no reason to encourage a relationship with someone who ignored the physical and emotional abuse of her child.

Since you and your mother were abused, I urge you and her to seek separate and possibly joint counseling. In that supportive environment, you will find an opportunity to express the trauma you both felt living and growing up in your father's house.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year-old college student in Japan who discovered your column through a class lecture. My instructor is in love with "Dear Abby" and teaches English by reading aloud letters from the column, followed by a class discussion.

This has allowed me to learn about American culture and customs. Some of the situations described in the letters have been a shock to me, while others are common incidents we also experience in Japan.

Please continue helping men, women and children with your kind and correct advice. -- H.N. IN OKINAWA

DEAR H.N.: I'm pleased you enjoy the column and find it helpful. Although there are many differences in our cultures, it's heartwarming to remember how many things we also have in common.

Your instructor is neither the first nor the only educator to use Dear Abby as a teaching tool. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I teach English as a Second Language (ESL) to immigrants in Southern California and find your column helpful in my conversation groups.

Many of my students come from countries with vastly different customs, and your column serves as a wonderful tool to introduce them to American customs.

While my students may have similar issues regarding sex, marriage, divorce, children, etc. in their own countries, the handling of these topics is vastly different in America.

Thanks to your informative column, these students leave my classroom not only with a better knowledge of the English language, but also a better understanding of the customs in this great country of ours. -- ESL INSTRUCTOR IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR ESL INSTRUCTOR: Thank you for the kind words. After reading your letter, I realized that my column is still doing the job it was intended to do when advice columns were first invented.

Around the turn of the last century, a wave of immigration brought a flood of people to this country from Central Europe. In those days immigrants were determined to submerge themselves in the melting pot of American society. Advice columns originated in Yiddish-language newspapers to educate these new arrivals about what was expected of them in their new homeland.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Leon," and I have a 16-year marriage and two young children.

My problem is Leon repeatedly says bad words. He uses the "F" word all the time. I don't curse, and I am always begging him to clean up his language in front of the kids.

When he is around strangers, he hardly ever curses. I beg him to have respect for the kids and watch his mouth, but he gets mad at me and it gets worse.

Our daughter is in the fourth grade and our son is 2 years old. To my dismay, our little boy has started repeating the bad words he hears his dad use.

How can I get through to him that he has an obligation to me and the children to set a better example? -- SICK OF THE SWEARING IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR SICK OF THE SWEARING: Why a mature parent would do such a disservice to his children is beyond me. By example, he is leading them to believe that X-rated language is normal and acceptable.

Years ago, a reader named Monty Insko of Cardiff By The Sea, Calif., said that he broke his brother of the habit of swearing by sending him the following: (Please show it to your spouse.)

10 REASONS FOR SWEARING

1. It pleases Mother so much.

2. It's a fine mark of manliness.

3. It proves that I have self-control.

4. It indicates how clearly my mind operates.

5. It makes my conversation so pleasing to everybody.

6. It leaves no doubt in anyone's mind as to my good breeding.

7. It impresses people that I have more than an ordinary education.

8. It's an unmistakable sign of culture and refinement.

9. It makes me desirable personally among women and children in respectable society.

10. It's my way of honoring God, who said, "Thou shall not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain."

DEAR ABBY: I am a 48-year-old, divorced woman who works in an office with a sweet young woman with whom I've become friends. I'll call her Ellen. She is married with three small children.

A male co-worker recently shared a nasty rumor with me about Ellen. He claimed he had learned that she "sleeps around." When I asked him who said so, he refused to answer.

I immediately defended Ellen's honor and minced no words in telling him that the rumor wasn't true. Either someone is spreading lies about my friend, or someone has betrayed her.

Should I tell her about this rumor, or wait until she finds out about it? I'm the kind of person who is content with myself, and my only interest in Ellen is friendship.

What would you do, Abby? -- EAST COAST WRECK

DEAR EAST COAST WRECK: Tell her. Rumors and sexual innuendoes can ruin a career if they are not dealt with quickly. I see no reason to protect the guilty -- and that includes people who spread gossip.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am writing because of the letter from "E.M. in Florida," the woman who was raped at age 15 by two policemen during World War II. She is still haunted by that tragedy.

When I was 11, my mother went to the hospital to have her fifth child. While she was gone, my stepfather raped me. He said if I told he would hurt my two little sisters.

Every night I feared the rape would happen again. After my sisters were asleep, I would crawl under my bed and scoot back as far as I could. Then I'd watch the crack under the bedroom door to see if my stepfather was approaching. I never told my mother what happened.

One night, my stepfather got drunk and told my mother he and I had sex. She came to me and hit me hard. She said, "How dare you try to take my husband!"

I ran away that night. I was 15. I didn't see my mother for many years. I moved to another state. Forty years later, my elderly mother and I are talking, but not one word has been said about the rape.

How can my mom think I had sex willingly with that awful man when I was only 11? My whole life was messed up because of him. I have prayed about this, but I'm not going to say anything to her after all these years. She is not in good health, due to cancer.

When I was 20, my stepfather killed himself. My mother now talks about him a lot. She will say, "Daddy did this for us," and "Daddy was a good man." I hold my breath and wait for her to change the subject. I hate that my mother doesn't know the truth. I can't tell her. She is more than 80 years old and sick.

I did nothing wrong. Thank you for letting me spout off. -- A SURVIVOR IN FLORIDA

DEAR SURVIVOR: You're welcome. That's what I'm here for.

Now, please allow me to offer you some unsolicited advice. You should have set the record straight with your mother years ago. Even though she is ill, it is not too late to do it. It is as important for her to hear the truth from you as it is for you to tell it. Until you speak up and set things straight, the ghost of that child-molesting monster she married will stand between you. You have protected him long enough. Gather your courage and speak out. It will begin your healing.

I know I may sound like a broken record, but counseling can help you to put this unhappy chapter of your life to rest once and for all. Ask your doctor for a referral, or call the nearest rape hotline.

DEAR ABBY: I have a serious problem. My father is unreasonably strict. I am 16, and he won't let me do hardly anything. He will not let me go places unless there is parental supervision at all times. To make matters worse, yesterday when I was dropped off at a girlfriend's house, he made my mother go to the door to meet her parents! They weren't home, so I was not allowed to stay. I had to get back in the car and my parents drove me home. I have never been so embarrassed in my life.

My father is the king of the household and whatever he says goes. He's impossible. Help. -- TEEN HELD CAPTIVE IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR CAPTIVE: You are cursed with parents who love you. Every teenager should have the advantages you have.

P.S. Be assured, you will appreciate your father's "strict" attitude when you are older and become a parent.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)