DEAR ABBY: A mother wrote asking if it was wrong to insist her gay son visit her without his partner because she did not support his lifestyle. You compared her son's lifestyle to being married with a spouse.

Sorry! This man and his partner are NOT married.

Before I was married, my husband and I did not sleep together at my parents' home. My parents were not naive, but they did not want unmarried people sharing a bedroom in their home. -- FEELS THE SAME IN WASHINGTON

DEAR FEELS THE SAME: From that, I infer you and your husband are now welcome to share accommodations in your parents' home because you are married. Until unions among committed gay couples are formally recognized, the son and his partner are as close as they can get to being "married." To discriminate against people for something they're not legally permitted is wrong. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for saying that people are born gay and don't choose to be that way. As the mother of a gay child, I know it's true. It's frustrating to continually hear that my child should be "deprogrammed" to be heterosexual or that somehow being gay was a personal choice. Nothing could be further from the truth. -- SHARON IN LEXINGTON, KY.

DEAR SHARON: Over the decades during which my mother wrote this column, she never once told me she had received a letter from -- or encountered -- anyone who told her he or she had "chosen" to be a homosexual. During the many years that I worked with my mother, neither did I. As an honorary consultant to the Group for Advancement of Psychiatry, I once asked this question at a meeting, "Is homosexuality a choice?" Not one physician said a patient had related that his or her sexual orientation was chosen. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Thanks for plugging PFLAG. Hopefully, that mother will learn she didn't lose a son; she just lost precious time with him she can never reclaim.

As the sibling of a gay person, I'm bewildered that people think someone would "choose a lifestyle" that is reviled, assaulted, denied civil rights and otherwise abused by the rest of the population. -- BOB IN ST. PETERSBURG, FLA.

DEAR BOB: You make a valid point. What I find particularly worrisome is that gay teenagers are among those at highest risk for alcoholism, drug abuse and suicide because of discrimination at a time when they are most vulnerable.

DEAR ABBY: That mother should be happy her son is honest about his gay orientation. My husband isn't. When I find him sending nude photos back and forth to guys from gay chat rooms, he lies and says he's only "curious." He also claims he's just chatting online -- and then I find he is meeting them. I ask, "Are you having safe sex?" and can't get an answer because he won't admit he's having sex.

He lies to himself, Abby, which makes it easy to lie to me, his family and his macho friends. I'm trying to find counseling for both of us and the marriage, but funds are limited. My husband refuses to admit there's a problem! -- ALONE AND ANGRY IN CINCINNATI

DEAR ALONE: Go to your computer and type in: www.ssnetwk.org. It's the site of the Straight Spouse Network. You'll find it provides a bonanza of information, including peer support, a reading list and the locations of support groups worldwide. (A new one has just been started in Cincinnati!) You may be justifiably angry, but you are NOT alone in this problem, as you will soon discover. I wish you the best of luck.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl whose mother died 10 days after the attacks of Sept. 11. I never knew my father, so after Mom's death, I moved to Utah to live with my guardians and their three children.

My new family makes me feel comfortable and safe. I feel very lucky. The children are like my siblings. We all get along well, and I feel a real sense of belonging.

Although there have been difficulties adjusting to my new life, new school and new family, I have managed well with the help and support of my guardians -– especially my new sister.

Recently an adult friend asked me for advice regarding her own children. She was worried that if anything happened to her and her husband, the kids would end up in foster care.

My recommendation to her and to any parent is this: If at all possible, find a place with family or friends that you know your kids would feel safe and comfortable. Let them know that they would live there and be taken care of if anything happened to you. Above all, let the kids know how much they are loved.

Thanks for letting me share this with your readers, Abby. I love your column. -- ALL SETTLED IN, SALT LAKE CITY

DEAR ALL SETTLED IN: You are a courageous and mature young woman who has written a letter addressing a subject that's not often discussed because it's too painful. Your story is an important one. Sept. 11 has brought into focus the fact that the unthinkable CAN happen. All of us need to put our house in order –- especially if the household contains children.

Parents who haven't already done so should see an attorney to put their child custody plans in writing.

DEAR ABBY: On Sept. 11, 2001, our granddaughter, Christine Morrison, watched the tragedy unfold on television with the twin towers collapsing into heaps of dust. She went into her bedroom and wrote the poem that I have enclosed.

Her fourth-grade teacher thought it was so special she sent a copy to President Bush. Christine received a very special letter from Mrs. Bush thanking her for the poem.

We are proud of our talented granddaughter and hope you will find her words meaningful. -- LARUE AND HERB MORRISON, SALEM, OHIO

DEAR LARUE AND HERB: Your granddaughter embodies the determination of all our citizens to rebuild --- both physically and spiritually --- from the rubble of that horrific day. She's a strong and talented young girl who has already made a difference. Read on:

THE DUST OF SEPTEMBER

By Christine Morrison, Grade 4

The dust of September

The dust, the smoke, the clouds

from the dust of September.

The sadness, the sorrow, the darkness

from the dust of September.

The pretty sites are gone, the love, the death

from the dust of September.

The families, the lives taken away

by the dust of September.

Our country is sad, but our country still stands

in the dust of September.

Our flag still waves

through the dust of September.

We will never break, we will stand together

through the dust of September.

People hurt, hearts broken, but we survive

in the dust of September.

DEAR READERS: If Sept. 11 has taught us anything, it is how strong the people of this great country can be when they are called upon. To the families and friends who lost loved ones a year ago today, you are in the hearts of all Americans. Our prayers are with you.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: The letter from the woman whose neighbor comes over "no less than twice a day to borrow something" prompts my own. One sentence stood out that you might have missed: "Lately, I've been telling her I'm out of whatever she asks for, but she's always quick to ask for something else." Is it possible that the neighbor might be needing a friend? Sometimes reaching out and asking for something is an attempt at conversation and friendship. A shy person might think this is an effective way of communicating.

What if the writer were to walk over and ask to borrow something herself? I'd be interested to see if the neighbor invites her in. If so, maybe that's the type of hospitality she's looking for.

Abby, I think your advice was excellent for a pesky neighbor, but what if the person is someone who wasn't blessed with the social skills that you and I were -- and is only trying to make a friend? -- MARISA IN SAN LUIS OBISPO, CALIF.

DEAR MARISA: Your point is well taken. However, it is my observation that people who approach with something to give are usually welcomed more quickly than those who habitually approach with an outstretched palm. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I was also faced with neighbors who had more money and stamina than I. Believe me, they borrowed everything they could.

As the wife of a hard-working husband and the mother of eight children, I had to put a stop to it. When a woman asked to borrow my curlers, I asked her to leave something with me until I got them back, because "You know I will return them" never happens. I posted a note on my refrigerator that read: "If you want a cup of sugar, give me two potatoes. A can of tomatoes equals four eggs ..." etc.

This was such a popular idea that all the neighbors started swapping instead of borrowing. -- VINA ROY, MERRIMACK, N.H.

DEAR VINA: You're a clever lady. Swapping is better than constantly borrowing any day of the week.

DEAR ABBY: Did it occur to you that the "freeloader" could be one of the millions of one-check-away-from-the-street poor?

I grew up incredibly poor, and if it hadn't been for the kindness of our neighbors, I wouldn't have made it. One neighbor became a father figure to my siblings and me -- in addition to giving us milk.

I urge people not to turn their backs on their neighbors. The poor, the sick and the lonely need our support. What kind of a world would it be if we ignored those next door to us? Community is not just for the well-off.

Perhaps the writer of that letter should find out why her neighbor has no phone or anything else. Maybe she could help her. -- THANKFUL FOR THE KINDNESS OF NEIGHBORS, PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR THANKFUL: I agree that the poor, the sick and the lonely need support and shouldn't be ignored. But if the family is chronically needy, it seems to me that rather than doling out Ziploc bags and diet soda, it would be far more helpful to put the person in touch with social services or a church group that could help them fix the problem instead of putting a Band-Aid over the symptoms.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)