DEAR ABBY: I recently tried to retrieve my e-mail when my husband's e-mail account popped up. I noticed a few messages from one particular woman, and curiosity got the better of me. I opened them and discovered she and my husband have been chatting online. (His e-mail to her indicates they have "hot" conversations.)

When I confronted my husband, he said it only happened a few times. I told him it's a form of cheating. He insists it has nothing to do with his love for me -- that it is a fantasy thing. I don't care for his explanation, and I'm taking it personally.

I can't forget the things I read and I'm considering ending our marriage. Because he is not carrying on a physical relationship with someone doesn't mean his online relationship isn't as damaging. Do you agree? -- BETRAYED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR BETRAYED: Yes, I do. If your spouse is getting more off the Internet than information, you have every right to be upset. Your husband should be confiding his sexual fantasies to you -- not to some stranger on the Internet. Before ending your marriage, first try marriage counseling to see if it can be saved.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend, "Hank," and I are thinking about being married next year. I am currently 20 pounds overweight. Last night, Hank said he wants me to gain more weight after we are married. He said if I weigh 300 pounds, it will turn him on sexually.

Abby, I have never weighed that much in my life and I don't intend to start now. I think it would be very uncomfortable to be that heavy. Do you think I should end it with Hank before I get talked into something I don't want to do? -- SCALING BACK IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR SCALING BACK: Recent medical studies have shown that a weight gain of even a few pounds can negatively affect one's health. Bearing that in mind, I think you should accept the fact that Hank does not have your best interests at heart -- and move on.

DEAR ABBY: My family never had much money, so when I turned 16 I started working -- giving up my holidays and summers. After graduating from high school, I decided to continue working full-time so I could live on my own and buy a car, rather than go to college.

I am now 22 and recently got laid off from my job of five years. The time feels right to finally complete my education.

My parents have been divorced since I was a baby, and my mother lives four hours away by plane. We talk on the phone once a week and are very close. Mom just got a job that pays well, and she's about to marry an extremely wealthy man who is also loving and kind.

When Mom and her fiance heard about my job layoff, he said he was more than willing to put me through college -- and the two of them offered to support me financially while I attend school full-time. I feel deep gratitude for their generosity.

Abby, what is the proper way to thank someone who is being so generous? Sign me ... THANKFUL IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR THANKFUL: Study hard and make them proud. And if they don't need to be repaid, extend that kindness and generosity to someone else in the future when you're well-established. Best of luck to you!

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 18 years. Two years ago, I met "Rita." She was "the girl of my dreams," and we moved in together. Our relationship was "unstoppable." My wife and I began divorce proceedings.

Three weeks ago, my doctor told me there was a good chance I had cancer. I needed more tests. I panicked and ran back to my wife and children. I wanted them to hear it from me. I told them I "might" get very sick from the disease and the treatment. I ended up going on a one-week vacation with my family. Rita said she understood I needed to be with them.

On the first day of vacation, I realized how much I missed Rita and decided to call her. There was no answer. When I called her the next day at her job, she said, "I have moved on," and hung up. I was shocked because she had always told me we were "soul mates and our love would never die." Now she won't give me the time of day and has threatened to notify the police if I keep calling.

Abby, the irony is -- I don't have cancer. It's four small cysts. At my suggestion, my wife agreed to e-mail Rita to tell her that I am not sick after all, and that she and I are not sleeping together. So far there has been no response from Rita.

Now I don't know what to do. I think Rita broke up with me not knowing all the facts. What do you think? -- HEALTHY AND UNHAPPY IN ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR HEALTHY AND UNHAPPY: The "girl of your dreams" turned out to be a nightmare, and you have failed to recognize a blessing in disguise. Rita wasn't planning to be with you for the long haul. Instead of "for better or for worse, in sickness and in health," she planned on only "for better and in health." Thank heavens you found out before you invested anymore precious time in her.

DEAR ABBY: We are fast approaching the first anniversary of Sept. 11, 2001. For those who experienced the death of a loved one, the anniversary of that unforgettable day will rekindle feelings of profound loss and pain.

AARP has a 28-year history of bereavement support, and since Sept. 11 has developed new grief and loss programs and resources that are available to anyone, not just AARP members.

AARP's Web site, www.griefandloss.org, offers extensive information, resources and support, including chat rooms and discussion boards, consumer tips, online journaling and information on support groups and their locations. AARP also provides a wide range of publications in English and Spanish designed to reach all bereaved adults.

Abby, we are also offering your readers a free brochure titled, "Understanding the Grief Process." This brochure provides an overview of grief and loss, its unique impact, and resources to assist individuals and their families in the grief process. Readers can order their free copy (Order No. D16832) by calling our toll-free number: (800) 424-3410.

Together, we can help bereaved adults begin rebuilding their lives. -- SUSAN KOVAC ECKRICH, DIRECTOR, AARP GRIEF AND LOSS PROGRAMS

DEAR SUSAN: Thank you for your timely letter. Although your programs are intended for friends and families of people who died as a result of last year's terrorist attacks, I am sure they will also be helpful to many others who are struggling with the emotions that accompany the loss of a loved one.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am so confused. Three months ago, I met and began dating a wonderful guy I'll call Jason. I hadn't been in a relationship in more than two years because my ex-husband molested my 6-year-old daughter, and it caused me to distrust men.

When Jason and I are together, he makes me feel not only beautiful, but special and important. Even though I've known him only a few months, my feelings for him are stronger than they've been for anyone.

The reason I'm mixed up is because when Jason and I are together, we have so much fun. But when he leaves, it's sometimes a week or even two weeks before I hear from him again.

When I call him, I get no answer. I always leave a message, but get no immediate call back. When Jason finally does call, his excuse is he went to New York to visit his mother.

I have made it clear how worried I get because he doesn't call to tell me he's leaving town. He also knows I become insecure when I can't reach him.

I'm at a point where I'm beginning to wonder if he is really going out of town to visit "Mother." I think he might be seeing someone else. (I have never been invited to his place.)

Should I give up on him or hang in there, Abby? And how can I be sure my fears and insecurities aren't due to my "trust issues" with men? -- UNSURE AND CONFUSED IN KNOXVILLE, TENN.

DEAR UNSURE AND CONFUSED: Your gentleman friend has a secret life he hasn't shared with you -- and I seriously doubt his mother has anything to do with it. Ask him to level with you -- and if he doesn't, let him go.

P.S. If you really think your fears and insecurities are a result of your trust issues, a few sessions with a professional counselor should put them in perspective.

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Ginny" for two happy years. My wife is the best. She's understanding, loving and, most of all, my best friend.

The only problem is her parents. Don't get me wrong, I love them dearly and have known these folks since I was 12. Ginny's dad has been my pastor a good portion of my life in our small town.

What bothers me is the fact that my in-laws won't let us fall down! Whenever Ginny and I are faced with any type of financial difficulty, her parents find out about it and insist on helping us. Well, it doesn't help.

I've tried to tell Ginny how important it is to live within our means. She just keeps on spending because she knows her mom and dad will bail us out.

Time after time, I've tried to politely refuse their offers of help, to no avail. They end up giving the money directly to Ginny. Abby, can you come up with some advice on what I can do? -- BOTHERED IN NEBRASKA

DEAR BOTHERED: Tell your in-laws they are endangering your marriage. As a man of God, your father-in-law should honor your request and not come between a husband and wife. Ginny is no longer a child, and she needs to understand that her parents won't always be there to "bail her out." I don't know what's causing these monetary crises, but the both of you might benefit from financial counseling.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)