DEAR ABBY: I have been divorced for five years and have been dating the same sweet man for a year and a half. We have lived together for a year and are very much in love.

My problem is he doesn't want to get married, and I can't make him understand that I need a commitment and stability in my life. He says he IS committed, but he won't buy me a ring.

Am I being selfish or foolish for wanting to marry him? -- LET DOWN IN UTAH

DEAR LET DOWN: I see nothing foolish or selfish about wanting a secure future and the benefits that go along with being a wife instead of a live-in.

If you're willing to settle for the current arrangement, continue as you are in the hope that one day you'll wear him down. However, if marriage is really what you're after, tell him that it is becoming clear your goals are different. You want marriage, but the only thing he seems "committed" to is more of the same. Then move out. If he loves you, he will be willing to make a serious commitment. If he doesn't, it's better you know sooner rather than later.

DEAR ABBY: Three days a week I sit with Elsie, a 93-year-old lady who is partially sighted. Elsie always looks forward to hearing me read your column. The day the letter from "Robert in Orlando" appeared, we both thought you dropped the ball in your reply. He asked which is more hygienic -- leaving dishes to air-dry on the counter or drying them with a towel. Abby, you didn't answer his question! -- RICHARD KRUSE AND ELSIE HUNTER IN LOS ANGELES

DEAR RICHARD AND ELSIE: I'm embarrassed to admit that you're right. Among the many readers who pointed it out was a Texas gentleman who said, "You should run for public office immediately, Abby! Only a politician can get away with giving someone an answer without addressing the question." Ouch. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your answer about the proper method of drying dishes was right on the money. I've been in the restaurant business for 21 years -- from dishwasher to owner.

It is against the state health department code in every state in the United States to dry dishes (whether by hand or machine) any other way than to air-dry. A towel or cloth -- once wet -- becomes a breeding ground for micro-organisms that can cause illness. Just thought you'd like to know. -- "COOKIE" IN SIOUX CITY, IOWA

DEAR "COOKIE": Thank you for your professional input. Many other restaurateurs corroborated it. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Give me a break! "Robert in Orlando," the dishwasher in the family, believes it's sanitary to let the dishes air-dry, while his wife insists they should be wiped dry with a towel. You advised that air-drying is perfectly safe -- but you missed a more important point.

Robert's controlling wife needs to understand that since HE is the dishwasher, HE gets to decide how to wash and dry the dishes. If his wife thinks his method is unsanitary or unsightly, SHE should do them herself! -- LINDA IN ST. PAUL, MINN.

DEAR LINDA: That's true. And she could use a paper towel. End of problem.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Frustrated Son in Nashville" wrote about his complaining mother making unreasonable demands of him and the family.

"Frustrated Son" and his family have made an honest effort to make his mother feel loved and cared for. However, he may not realize that she could still be depressed and grieving for her husband.

Depression in the elderly can exhibit itself in many ways. As an R.N., I have seen similar behavior in seniors who were experiencing depression, grief and other emotional/mental health problems. The mother in that letter may need an assessment by a physician or behavioral health clinic that specializes in geriatric psychiatry.

Treatment should include a general physical and diagnostic evaluation to determine any physical or mental cause for her behavior and emotions, in addition to medication and/or psychotherapy (counseling). A good program should have all three components available if necessary. -- A FRIEND IN TEXAS

DEAR FRIEND: You're right. Those are the correct steps to follow when someone exhibits a sudden change in personality or unusual behavior. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My heart goes out to "Frustrated Son in Nashville," as he travels the journey of caregiver to his aging mother. It is a journey shared by more and more of us as older family members live longer.

Having been a caregiver for three aging family members, I have not forgotten the demands -- or the frustration -- those years presented.

"Frustrated's" mother may be growing too dependent on him and other family members. He must try to take time for himself and his own family. Reducing his mother's dependence will not be easy, as it appears to be an established pattern. However, if her son does not change this pattern now, it will only get worse.

Instead of the family calling her twice a day, perhaps SHE should make the call to them at a specific time each day -- to let them know she's all right, or any other message. This seems minor, but it represents giving her back responsibility for her own affairs to the degree that she can manage them. She also has to learn that demanding, "Call me right back!" should be reserved for true emergencies.

If there is a caregiver support group in her son's city, he should consider attending it. Caregivers share common concerns and can gain insight from one another. -- ARIZONA CAREGIVER

DEAR CAREGIVER: According to the National Family Caregivers Association, more than 60 percent of family caregivers say they have suffered depression. To paraphrase the Caregiver's Bill of Rights:

Caregivers have the right to take care of themselves and know it's not selfish to do so; to enlist the care of others in the caregiving, even over the objection of the sick family member; to maintain facets of their own lives that do not include the person being cared for; to have feelings of anger or sadness and express them occasionally; to refuse to be manipulated consciously or unconsciously; to be treated with consideration, affection, acceptance and be forgiven for shortcomings; to take pride in their own individuality and what they are accomplishing; and to be applauded for the courage it takes to meet the needs of the person being cared for.

The National Family Caregivers Association can be contacted by calling toll-free 1-800-896-3650 or on the Internet at www.nfcacares.org.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I love reading your column -- every day I learn something.

A longtime girlfriend invited me to visit her in California for a four-day weekend this fall. I am married with two children, ages 5 and 9. I'm also a working mom who sacrifices a great deal for my husband and kids.

My husband is refusing to let me visit my friend, because it means he would have to get the kids off to school two days in a row -- and he'd have them for the entire weekend.

I don't get time to myself very often, so I think he's being unreasonable. Whenever I tell him I want to do something with a friend, he'll say, "When do I get to do something fun?" I always tell him, "Go! Have some fun -- I'm not stopping you."

What do you think about this? Am I being unfair? -- HELD-DOWN WIFE IN SUGAR LAND, TEXAS

DEAR HELD-DOWN WIFE: No, you are not being unfair. Your husband appears to be a man with no friends, no outside interests and no relationship with his children.

It's too bad he doesn't view your trip as an opportunity for special "dad time" with his kids. It could be a wonderful memory and bonding experience for all of them.

DEAR ABBY: I must be old-fashioned, but I believe that dinnertime should be sacred family time. The phone should be turned off and the doorbell ignored.

After many years, I've finally convinced my husband to let the answering machine pick up calls while we're having dinner. However, another problem is that he cannot turn away visitors who come to our door while we're having dinner.

My husband thinks it's rude to turn someone away. I believe his inability to do this is a sign of immaturity and lack of consideration for his family.

Is it rude to tell people, "We are just sitting down to dinner -- may I call you or come by your house when we're finished?"

Please settle this long-standing debate, Abby. Who is right? -- EXASPERATED WIFE

DEAR EXASPERATED WIFE: Much depends upon who the drop-ins are. If they are "regulars," then your family time policy should be explained. If they're out-of-towners who just happen to be in the neighborhood, make an exception, invite them in and order a pizza.

DEAR ABBY: In the 1930s, during the Depression, there were 13 children plus my loving mother and father living in a small three-bedroom house. Our only means of heat and hot water came from a coal-fired stove in the kitchen. While the girls and I (the youngest boy) slept three or four to a bed, our five older brothers slept on the floor of the unfinished attic.

After two more boys came to live with us -- a cousin and a friend whose mother had died -- my mother's friends would ask, "Ellen, how could you take in two more?" My mother's standard answer was: "If you have love in your heart, you will have room in your home."

My siblings and I all have beautiful memories of our childhood. And ironically, many people we knew thought WE were the "rich" people in the neighborhood. How right they were! -- ROBERT LUMADUE, ALTOONA, PENN.

DEAR ROBERT: Your wise mother knew an important truth: Relationships are what make life rich.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)