DEAR ABBY: When I was growing up, my mother and the other ladies in our church were extremely polite to each other. However, when one of them wasn't present, the others would talk behind her back. They would compliment a woman to her face, then criticize her as soon as she walked away.

Mother always defended this behavior as a "harmless" pastime. I don't know whether or not it hurt the people who were the butt of gossip, but I know it harmed me and the children who were listening.

Their behavior taught me not to trust anyone -- especially people who were nice to my face. Instead, I trusted abusive people because I thought they were being honest. I ended up running with a bad crowd and found myself dating abusive men because I couldn't trust polite guys.

When someone complimented me, I didn't believe it, so I never developed self-confidence. I was afraid people were laughing at me behind my back. I had trouble making friends with other girls because I was afraid to open up and reveal my feelings for fear that whatever I said would become grist for the gossip mill.

After a year of therapy, I have finally found the self-confidence I lacked. My sisters haven't been so lucky. Neither has friends. Both are married to abusive men.

Abby, please inform your readers that there is nothing "harmless" about gossip, especially to children who may overhear it. -- GAINING TRUST IN GEORGIA

DEAR GAINING TRUST: Your experience and that of your sisters has stated that fact more strongly than I could have. It brings to mind a piece that has appeared in my column before. Read on:

NOBODY's FRIEND

(Author Unknown)

My name is Gossip. I have no respect for justice.

I maim without killing. I break hearts and ruin lives.

I am cunning and malicious and gather strength with age.

The more I am quoted the more I am believed.

My victims are helpless. They cannot protect themselves against me because I have no name or face.

To track me down is impossible. The harder you try, the more elusive I become.

I am nobody's friend.

Once I tarnish a reputation, it is never the same.

I topple governments and wreck marriages.

I ruin careers and cause sleepless nights, heartaches and indigestion.

I make innocent people cry in their pillows.

Even my name hisses. I am called Gossip. I make headlines and headaches.

Readers, before you repeat a story, ask yourself: Is it true? Is it harmless? Is it necessary?

If it isn't, don't repeat it.

DEAR ABBY: I spent a chunk of money on my daughter's high school graduation announcements and senior pictures. She has yet to receive even one card of congratulations from any of the friends and relatives to whom we mailed announcements. I'm hurt and disappointed. -- MISSOURI MOM

DEAR MOM: Your feelings are valid. Your daughter's achievement was praiseworthy and deserved to be acknowledged, if only with a card or congratulatory phone call.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This is regarding "Ready to Go It Alone in Mississippi," the bride-to-be who had no one to walk her down the aisle.

The day before my son and his wife married, her father died after a long illness. It was heartbreaking, but the wedding went ahead as planned.

My son and his beautiful bride came up with a plan. My future daughter-in-law came from a large family -- nine brothers and one sister. Her nine brothers escorted their mother into the church, and when it was time for the bride to enter, my son left his position at the altar, met her at the rear of the chapel, and they walked down the aisle together. Abby, it was the perfect solution. There wasn't a dry eye in the church. -- PROUD MOTHER-IN-LAW IN CINCINNATI

DEAR MOTHER-IN-LAW: I'm sure her father was with his daughter and all of you in spirit on that special day. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I faced a similar predicament as "Ready to Go It Alone" when I married in 1961. Added to my dismay of having no one to "give me away," was the fact that I was only 18 and scared silly.

I decided to let nothing ruin my day, so I put a smile on my face and started down the aisle on what looked like the longest walk of my life. As I passed the first row of guests, one of my cousins gave me a wink and a thumbs-up. I leaned over and gave her a hug. As I proceeded down the aisle, I stopped to hug or kiss several more loved ones who were seated along the way. By the time I reached my groom, the guests were joyfully laughing and broke into applause.

"Ready to Go It Alone" shouldn't worry that her mother thinks it's "horrific" to walk solo down the aisle. If the bride approaches her wedding day with the right attitude, she'll have a wonderful time, and so will everyone who shares her happiness. -- BEEN THERE/DONE THAT IN ILLINOIS

DEAR B.T.D.T.: Well said!

DEAR ABBY: This is for the bride whose mother disapproved of her daughter walking down the aisle alone. Mom needs to realize that young women are no longer "given away." Here is how my daughters and I solved the problem:

I was escorted by an usher to the traditional pew reserved for the mother of the bride. When my daughter appeared at the rear of the church and everybody rose, I stepped into the aisle and waited to meet her. We then walked the rest of the way together.

Instead of the minister asking who is giving the bride in marriage, he asked, "Who supports this decision?" I responded, "Her sister and I do." I returned to my seat; the ceremony continued. Many guests commented favorably about the positive way in which the situation was handled. -- HAPPY WE DID IT "OUR WAY"

DEAR ABBY: I am a 20-year resident of Germany, and I married a German man. I have a suggestion for "Ready to Go It Alone in Mississippi." Here in Germany, the bride is not "given away." Instead, the happy couple walks down the aisle together. This lovely custom serves as a symbol of starting their own life. -- MONIQUE SIMMER, SAARBRUECKEN, GERMANY

DEAR MONIQUE: As your letter proves, there are many varied but perfectly acceptable wedding customs. Culture isn't static, it's organic -- and change is healthy.

WORTH REMEMBERING: "No human race is superior; no religious faith is inferior. All collective judgments are wrong. Only racists make them." -- Elie Wiesel, Nobel laureate and Holocaust survivor (1928--)

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter from "Worried Preteens in California," who were concerned about a friend who was shoplifting.

I have been a thief my entire life. I've stolen from my family, the families of my friends, and employers, stores and strangers.

I don't know exactly why I steal -- I just do. Sometimes it's for vengeance; other times, it's for the challenge. I steal things I don't need or even want. The items usually have little or no value, and once I've gotten away with it, I wonder why I bothered.

I steal when I feel bad about myself. When life is going good, I don't even think about doing it.

"Worried" is smart not to want to be around "Joe" when he goes to the store. If he is there when Joe gets caught, he will land in jail with his pal.

Going to Joe's parents will only cause Joe to feel resentful and betrayed. "Worried" needs to tell Joe about the concerns he and his friends have -- and let Joe know that his behavior is unacceptable.

Joe also needs to know he's jeopardizing the friendship when he puts his friends in a situation that could have a lifetime of legal and career implications. If Joe doesn't change his ways, "Worried" must end the friendship. -- BEEN THERE IN PHOENIX

DEAR BEEN THERE: Thank you for sharing your personal experience, and I hope you have been the beneficiary of your own advice -- and that you sought professional help. I agree that the boys must speak up. Silence indicates approval.

DEAR ABBY: I have a friend, "Elaine," whom I've known since we were 12. Over the years, we've stayed close and now enjoy successful lives with busy careers and marriages.

My problem: Elaine doesn't like to shop. Whenever she has a business or pleasure trip on the horizon -- or special occasion to attend (a wedding, party, business meeting) -- she comes over and picks out clothes, shoes, jewelry and luggage from MY closet.

When we were in our 20s and single, I didn't mind. Now, however, we're in our mid-50s, and Elaine's routine closet raids have become a huge annoyance.

I have told Elaine that some of the things she wants to borrow are gifts or to be worn only on special occasions. I don't want to risk losing or having them damaged. For her birthday, I've given her items similar to what she's borrowed from me -- but there's no stopping her.

I feel like I'm being taken advantage of. Abby, how do I put an end to her annoying habit without ruining an otherwise wonderful friendship? -- RELUCTANT LENDER, AUSTIN, TEXAS

DEAR RELUCTANT: It's not surprising you feel used, because you have been for the last 40 years. It's hard to assert yourself after having been passive for so long. However, until you summon the courage to tell your friend the truth, you might just as well hang a Macy's sign over your closet door. Have a truth session with Elaine before the week's out.

DEAR ABBY: I love the stories about "pennies from heaven."

My husband of 46 years used to pick up pennies and any other loose change he spotted on the ground. It embarrassed me, until I discovered he was putting the change in a jar. When the jar was full, he would take it to the priest at our church to add to the poor box. He still continues this commendable habit. He has filled jar after jar over the years. -- NO LONGER EMBARRASSED, PLYMOUTH MEETING, PA.

DEAR N.L.E.: There is something fitting about pennies from heaven going to a charitable cause. I like your husband's style.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)