DEAR ABBY: At 48 years of age, I finally need your help in figuring this one out. A year ago, after more than 22 years of marriage, my 58-year-old wife, "Cindy," began sleeping with her 90-year-old mother. Cindy says she does this so she will hear her mother in case she needs help going to the bathroom.

Our bedroom doors are side-by-side, and I can hear her mother clearly from our bedroom. When her mother gets up to go to the bathroom, I hear Cindy tell her to "go ahead" and let her know if she needs help. In other words, her mother can do this -- and many more things -- on her own.

On the positive side, Cindy may make it into the Guinness Book of World Records as the oldest person still sleeping with her mother. What do you make of this? -- NEGLECTED IN GEORGIA

DEAR NEGLECTED: You have written an unusual letter. The answer to your question lies in whatever happened between you and your wife a year ago that caused her to move out of your bedroom and literally go "home" to her mother. I recommend some truth sessions with a marriage counselor to referee.

DEAR ABBY: I have been dating a wonderful man for the past four years and have no doubt of his love for me -- or the belief that eventually we will be married.

My problem is I'm at the age where most of my friends and acquaintances are getting engaged, married and having babies, so naturally the marriage question comes up all the time.

I don't mind answering questions like, "When are you two going to tie the knot?" However, I need some ideas for a tactful -- yet forceful -- way to answer those rude and condescending people who ask, "Well, is he EVER going to marry you?"

That question makes me bristle and causes me to feel defensive when there is nothing to be defensive about. I need a ladylike reply that will let the offending parties understand in no uncertain terms that I am taken aback by the phrasing of their question. Thanks, Abby. -- BRIDE-TO-BE (EVENTUALLY) IN OXFORD, MISS.

DEAR B-T-B (EVENTUALLY): Reply with a smile, "When we make the announcement, you'll be among the first to know."

DEAR ABBY: I just read the letter from "Concerned Grandfather in Seattle," and I have to warn him that if he chooses to lie to his grandson by telling him that his father is dead, he will only make things worse.

Whether shame or self-involvement was the cause, my family kept the truth from me for 25 years, and it was purely by accident that I finally found out who my real father is. Had I not, I'm sure my family would still be lying to me.

The trust that had been built over my entire lifetime was shattered in an instant. I no longer knew who I was or where I was going.

Eventually I found a degree of freedom in knowing the truth, but it took a long time and many dark days to get to that point.

The feelings of betrayal by my own family still linger eight years later. -- PORTLAND, ORE., SON

DEAR SON: I believe it. And that's why I say that honesty is the best policy, even if it means opening a can of worms that's difficult or painful to discuss.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm responding to "Jeff in South Carolina," whose mother-in-law makes negative comments about her daughter's ex-husband. Jeff is concerned that his mother-in-law's attitude will confuse his wife's little girl. I think Jeff is right -- and I speak from experience.

My parents divorced when I was 7. I was crushed. What made it worse was my mother constantly bad-mouthing my father. He wasn't perfect by any means, but he is a good man and he loves me. Whenever I was with my mother, she made me feel guilty for loving him. It was as if I were doing something wrong and should feel ashamed. (My father never spoke ill of my mother, and now that I am an adult, I respect him for it.)

Abby, a person who berates a child's mother or father causes the child emotional pain. Perhaps if Jeff's mother-in-law sees this letter, she'll rethink her behavior and put the emotional well-being of her granddaughter ahead of her personal feelings. -- T.M. IN N.J.

DEAR T.M.: I certainly hope so. And because this is a common problem, I hope it will cause other parents and in-laws to also rethink their behavior. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My brother and I were 15 and 17 when my parents divorced. Our parents felt we were adults, so we did not receive support or attention from either one. I would hear bad things about my father from my mother's family. They did not want me to love him.

The ex-son-in-law may not have been a gem of a husband, but he rates an "A" as a responsible, caring parent. At one time, I was a probation officer dealing with child support cases, and I can tell you from professional experience, he is rare.

Out of more than 10,000 cases per year in my district, only a small percentage of noncustodial parents take their responsibility seriously. Many couples use their children as weapons to get back at each other.

That mother-in-law needs her head examined. Jeff is a good stepfather. The child deserves the love, care and support of both of her parents whether they live in the same house or not.

It would be a shame for any child to grow up hating his or her father -- and not understanding why. Perhaps Jeff's mother-in-law should be banned from seeing her granddaughter until she understands the situation does not revolve around her. -- LOVING THEM BOTH ON THE EAST COAST

DEAR LOVING: That's strong medicine, but it might be effective.

DEAR ABBY: In many parts of the country, "divorce impact classes" are offered in community colleges for divorcing couples. Please suggest that mother-in-law attend some of them so she can understand how her anger and resentment negatively impact her granddaughter. -- A PARENT IN FLORIDA

DEAR PARENT: Good suggestion. I did not know such classes were available.

DEAR ABBY: I am being married for the second time. Are my parents still obligated to pay for the wedding? -- SECOND-TIME ROSE

DEAR ROSE: Nowhere is it written that the bride's parents MUST pay for even the first wedding. A wedding is a gift. This time you're on your own.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: A recent letter in your column misquoted information from one of my publications, "Medical Examination of Sports Scuba Divers." Nowhere in my study is it stated that the chronic conditions mentioned (such as asthma, diabetes, headaches, high blood pressure, coronary artery disease, valvular heart disease, congenital heart disease, etc.) are prohibitions against sport diving.

We have established physical standards for sport divers, and these accommodate many people with chronic illnesses who wish to participate in this sport.

Information about diving with chronic illness can be found at www.scubamed.com. Thanks for getting the word out, Abby. Your advice regarding proper training and certification is appreciated. -- DR. ALFRED BOVE, PHILADELPHIA

DEAR DR. BOVE: Thank you for correcting the error. You are not the only expert I heard from. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In response to Sarah Moody's letter about her son who died tragically of an asthma attack while scuba diving, Ms. Moody did not mention the organization that trained her son for diving, or if he had been certified.

It should be noted that all major certifying organizations (NAUI, PADI, SSI, YMCA) screen scuba students up front and exclude from training anyone with medical conditions considered "absolute contraindications." While scuba diving is not inherently dangerous, it involves certain risks and physical demands. Anyone who wants to experience the fun of scuba diving needs proper training from a reputable certifying agency, and -- as with any new physical activity -- should have a doctor's OK before doing so. -- SKIP POLLARD, SCUBA INSTRUCTOR, FORT LAUDERDALE

DEAR SKIP: That's practical advice, and it could save a life if it's heeded.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 12-year-old girl. Recently a boy I know was shot while standing in front of a movie theater with a bunch of us kids from school.

We didn't know that a gang member was standing close by him. Suddenly, a car came speeding by. Members of a rival gang opened fire on the gang member, aiming an automatic weapon out the window of the car.

Not only did the spray of bullets kill the gang member, but the gunfire also went beyond him and hit my 12-year-old friend, who had no connection whatsoever with either gang.

Not long after the attack on the World Trade Center, I heard someone from another country say on TV that Americans don't know what it's like to have a war going on in their own country. Those words made me furious.

I think someone should take that person to the spot where my friend was gunned down. There are still bloodstains on the sidewalk.

We Americans know all too well what it's like to have a gang war going on in our streets. It has been going on for years -- and is still going on, even as I sit here writing this letter. Just sign me ... FURIOUS IN TENNESSEE

DEAR FURIOUS: I wish there was a simple answer to the problem of gangs and violence, but there isn't. The causes are complex and varied. However, this nation needs to pay more attention to -- and allocate more funds for -- youth programs that strengthen the family. I know it's not the answer, but it would be a good start.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)