DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Dennis," has been having an affair for many years. He filed for divorce and moved out of the house for several months. I made the divorce negotiations so difficult, he gave up and moved back home.

I know Dennis continues to see his girlfriend every day. I put up with it because I still love him after 40 years of marriage.

Do you think I am a fool to continue in this relationship when I know he no longer loves me? -- UNHAPPY IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR UNHAPPY: Only you can answer that. If you're staying in the marriage for financial security -- and financial security is the most important thing to you -- I'd say you are being pragmatic. On the other hand, if you're hoping he'll give up his longtime girlfriend one day and love you again, it could be a long wait.

When a person is single, there is always the possibility of meeting a loving, faithful and eligible person. Being trapped in a loveless marriage must be like living in solitary confinement. You have my sympathy.

DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend and I plan to marry in a year or so. Because my mother is very controlling, we intend to move far away from her. She tries to control my every move. If I don't get her permission to take a shower, she goes crazy and yells at me for hours. I've always been respectful and followed every rule in her house. There's no reason for her to act this way.

Mother is angry at my 28-year-old sister because she moved 30 minutes away before she got married. Mom still drops in on her unexpectedly and calls every day to yell at her.

Abby, I don't want the same thing to happen to me. What should I do when she asks for my phone number? I don't want to give it to her. -- ADULT DAUGHTER IN THE SOUTHWEST

DEAR ADULT DAUGHTER: Your mother clearly has emotional problems and should be evaluated by a doctor. Although it may seem tempting to run away and leave your unhappy past behind, an alternative might be to add a call-screening feature to your phone. Your conscience will be clearer if you do.

DEAR ABBY: Our 14-year-old daughter is fortunate to have her dad and me as parents because we have a good, solid marriage.

Here's the dilemma: Our daughter has a close friend, "Jen," whose mother is single. She's a nice lady, but has had at least two live-in boyfriends within the last year that we know of.

Our daughter has been invited countless times to sleep over at Jen's house, but I feel it isn't the kind of atmosphere I want our teen-ager exposed to. As long as Jen's mom is living with a guy, I have a real problem with this.

I can't come up with a delicate way to explain my feelings without offending Jen's mom. My daughter is upset over this whole situation, but I've made it clear that her well-being is my No. 1 priority.

Am I being overly sensitive? Any input would be appreciated. -- FRUSTRATED MOM

DEAR MOM: I don't think so. If you prefer that your daughter not spend the night in a home with an unmarried couple, solve your problem by saying exactly that to all concerned. You're entitled to your moral convictions and you owe no one an apology for standing firm in defense of them.

CONFIDENTIAL TO ROSE PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy 103rd birthday to my beloved grandmother. You are an incomparable role model to all of us. -- LOVE, JEANNE

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm not sure how to handle a problem I have when I call my sister. I love her dearly. Not only do I want to talk with her, but I NEED to talk with her. We live in different states and rarely get to see each other.

Almost every time I call her, I get very frustrated because I feel like I'm talking to a mother who has a 2-year-old child begging for attention. However, it isn't her child -- it's her husband. He gropes at her and talks in her ear while we try to make conversation. It's very distracting for her and irritating to me.

Since I work during the day, I have to call in the evening. On weekends I never know when he'll be home. How can I handle this? I haven't called her in weeks and I feel guilty about it. -- PERPLEXED ON THE EAST COAST

DEAR PERPLEXED: Unless your timing is terrible and you have a knack for catching your sister and her husband in an amorous embrace, or he finds the ringing of a telephone sexually stimulating, I'd say you have him pegged correctly.

Other than telling your sister how his actions make you feel, there is nothing you can do. This is a boundary problem she will have to handle.

In the future, ask her to call YOU when she has some privacy.

DEAR ABBY: I am 16 years old and having trouble finding a way to tell my parents that I'm a lesbian. Every day I wish I could find the courage to say, "Mom, Dad, I'm gay!" but it's a lot more complicated than that. They are very religious, and I have seen firsthand how they react to homosexuality. That's why it's going to be so hard to break the news. I don't want to tell them, but I know that I HAVE to in order to get on with my life. What should I do? -- TRAPPED IN GEORGIA

DEAR TRAPPED: There is no one-size-fits-all answer to that question. Some parents feel that homosexuality is a choice, and that by coming out, their child is being defiant. Parents like that have been known to throw the child out or make life so difficult at home that the child becomes a runaway.

Your know your parents better than I do. If that description applies to them, postpone your announcement until you are out of high school and self-supporting.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter, "Erin," recently married her boyfriend, "Doug," after a four-year, on-again/off-again romance. Doug's a nice guy, but verbally abusive when he drinks. The next day, Doug conveniently "forgets" what he said or how he behaved.

Erin is frightened by Doug's threats when he's drunk. She's afraid one day he will carry them out. Abby, my husband and I don't want to be interfering in-laws, but we're concerned for our daughter's safety. Would it be out of line for us to talk to him and suggest he get help? -- FEARFUL IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FEARFUL: I don't recommend it. It would only make him defensive. Unless your daughter draws the line, there is nothing to prevent his behavior from escalating -- and mark my words, when it does, he will also conveniently "forget" what happened.

Please urge your daughter to go to Al-Anon (it's listed in the phone book) and gain the information and support she needs to handle this. No one can do it for her.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Proud Mom in Ohio," who was upset about the Cub Scout derby races, I recalled our solution to the problem of overly helpful parents.

In the U.S. Air Force, we had a real problem with actual rocket scientists and aerodynamic engineers. Some of the entries were so near perfection that we Cub pack leaders came up with the solution of classes of competition: beauty, speed, uniqueness, and the obvious "car completely built by the Cub Scout himself." The last category became the most coveted prize at the event.

Because members of the military are often subject to unplanned absences, we instituted a system whereby other fathers would fill in and assist a boy without a dad. When I supervised, I always insisted on "elbow grease" that resulted in a good job even by those young boys. My sons complained that I was overly enthusiastic when a youngster I assisted beat them. Their comment: "Did you HAVE to help him so good?" -- LARRY KRUGER, MAJOR, USAF (Ret.), VICTORVILLE, CALIF.

DEAR LARRY: Many readers identified with that letter. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I speak from experience when I say that "Proud Mom" can make a difference. Scout programs are run by volunteers. Cub packs have monthly committee meetings where these events are discussed and planned far in advance. She should join the pack committee and suggest changes in the way the derby is run to ensure that it is done fairly.

I have volunteered at all levels of the Boy Scout program, from den mother to assistant scoutmaster. The Boy Scout and Cub Scout programs need parents like "Proud Mom in Ohio," and I know her comments would be greatly appreciated. -- JO-ANNE CAMMORATA, HANOVER, MASS.

DEAR JO-ANNE: You're right. Change has to come from within.

DEAR ABBY: I am a single mom who raised my son alone. I had him join Cub Scouts so he could spend time with other boys and become involved in activities such as race car derbies. My father, a retiree, supervised while my son worked for hours on his car.

At the derby, the boys lined their cars up on a table. I could tell my son was embarrassed by his entry in comparison to the others. It was obvious that some of them had been made by the fathers. My heart went out to my son when his name was called and he picked up his crude-looking race car.

Believe it or not, he won first place!

My son is now 15, and in his bedroom he still displays that trophy, the car, and a photo of him and his grandfather taken on that special day. -- NEVER SO PROUD, JERMYN, PA.

DEAR NEVER SO PROUD: I understand why. It was his first major victory. Something tells me it won't be his last.

DEAR ABBY: That mother should do what we did on derby day. After watching the overly enthusiastic adults at the event, I suggested that the following year we offer them the chance to participate in their OWN race with their OWN cars. It worked like a charm! The grown-ups had a chance to strut their stuff, and it alleviated the need to take over their sons' project. -- FORMER SCOUT LEADER, DANVILLE, CALIF.

DEAR FORMER LEADER: YOU deserve a trophy for a clever solution.

NOT CONFIDENTIAL: Happy 84th birthday to the matchless "Sioux City Twins" -- my mother, Pauline, in LA, and Aunt Eppie in Chicago. -- LOVE, JEANNE

NOTE: The above birthday greeting was written three weeks ago. Today, with a heavy heart, I and the rest of the Phillips family offer our deepest sympathy to my Aunt Eppie's grieving family and loyal staff. -- JEANNE

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)