DEAR ABBY: I have a 5-year-old grandson I adore. His mother (my daughter) is a single parent who left the father of her child after he beat her up. He was charged and spent six months in jail. We assured him at the time that he would have no financial or social obligations to his child whatsoever, and they have had no contact since the incident. That was five years ago when my grandson was a newborn.

My question: What do we tell my grandson when he asks about his father? Please understand that this man is a drug dealer and gang member from a "family" of gang-bangers who have all done jail time. He's also a high school dropout with no future.

I see no good coming from my precious grandson knowing anything about his father, who lives in the next town. My daughter has a good job and is raising my grandson in a loving, healthy and stable environment. He is surrounded by fine role models.

What I'd like to do is tell my grandson his father is dead. What do you think, Abby? -- CONCERNED GRANDFATHER IN SEATTLE

DEAR CONCERNED: Although it's tempting, I don't recommend it. If you lie, that untruth will come back to haunt all of you, and your grandson will wonder what other lies he was told.

When he asks, it would be better to tell the boy that when he was born, his father was too immature to be a parent and agreed that his son should be raised by his mother and her family. Later on, when he is older, he should be told the truth. Be prepared to offer him professional counseling at that time to help him deal with any feelings of rejection.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Danny," and I have been married for nearly four years. We never had a problem until my sister, "Tina," and her kids moved in with us. Danny gets upset because Tina lets her kids do whatever they feel like. Our house is always a mess and they waste a lot of food that we have paid for. Danny wants me to tell Tina that she must control her kids or find another place to live.

I feel bad for Tina because she has no place to go. However, I love my husband and want our marriage to be like it was before Tina moved in. What should I do? -- DESPERATE IN OHIO

DEAR DESPERATE: Accept the fact that you can't continue living like this. Your sister needs a goal. Give her a specific date to be out of your home and help her to do whatever is necessary to leave -- job, affordable apartment, child care, etc. She'll thank you for it later, and you will save your marriage.

DEAR ABBY: Here's another use for old pantyhose: Whenever I get a run in a pair, I throw them in the washer, then cut the legs off right above where the control section starts (to keep the top from fraying). After discarding the "girdle," I put the clean, cut-up legs in a drawer in the kitchen.

Whenever I purchase onions, I slip a stocking over one of them until it rests securely in the top. Then I tie a knot about an inch above it and insert the next onion -- and so on -- continuing to the top of the leg.

I hang the stocking inside the basement door, out of the way. Whenever I need an onion, I simply cut one off from the bottom (right below the knot). My onions last longer -- while I get the satisfaction of one more use out of an old pair of pantyhose. -- RUTH IN CALEDONIA, MICH.

DEAR RUTH: And if an intruder should enter your home, you can always use it for self-defense!

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a 14-year-old girl and a pretty good student. My problem: I have friends who like to drink and do drugs. While I have no interest in getting caught up in that stuff, I don't want to lose their friendship.

They know I won't hang with them when they're drunk or high on something. I've told them that numerous times, and they know how I feel.

Abby, I've grown up with these kids. They mean a lot to me. Can you please give me some advice so they'll stop these bad habits before it's too late and something really tragic happens? -- WORRIED IN RHODE ISLAND

DEAR WORRIED: It's painful to see people you care about do risky things, but your friends must decide for themselves about their alcohol and drug use. However, you can get information to help them understand the many serious consequences of substance abuse. The National Clearinghouse for Alcohol and Drug Information has a series of "Tips for Teens" brochures about alcohol, tobacco and drugs, and other free materials. You can call the organization toll-free at (800) 729-6686 or visit the Web site at www.health.org.

Whether your friends are willing to learn and reconsider their current choices is up to them, but you will have offered them sound information to help them make their decision.

You could also send a confidential letter to your school principal suggesting the school sponsor an assembly about drug and alcohol addiction. If possible, the assembly should include personal testimonials and warnings from older teens and young adults who have conquered their habit. I can't imagine a more powerful motivator for your friends and other young people to avoid the pitfalls of addiction.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my late 20s, the eldest of five children. (The youngest is 10.) My parents have been married 35 years.

A few months ago, my younger brother and mother discovered evidence that my father was having an affair. Dad denied everything. My mother is bitter and refuses to get counseling. She makes remarks about my father such as, "I couldn't care less about him, but divorce is out of the question because I need the money." She's also said, "I just wish he would die."

I understand that Mother is hurt and frustrated, but Dad is still my father and Mom's attitude hurts me as well.

Since this happened, I broke my engagement to a wonderful man I was to marry this month. Now I'm wondering if I called it off because of my parents' problems. I feel as though I am the parent to them, Abby.

My family reads your column, so I'm asking you to please advise us. -- MY PARENTS' PARENT IN WISCONSIN

DEAR PARENTS' PARENT: I cannot advise your parents, because they didn't ask me for advice. However, your life is just beginning, and you must live it for yourself. You need counseling to help you emotionally separate from your parents and their marital problems, which only they can resolve.

Now, pick up the phone and call your former fiance. It may not be too late to get your relationship back on track.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Your advice was on target to "Grandmother of Five in North Texas," who warned the woman on her cell phone in the restaurant that important information overheard by the wrong person could endanger her daughters at home.

My wealthy uncle was dining out with friends one night when he mentioned an upcoming trip out of town. He also shared a funny anecdote about his housekeeper, and a story about how the cleaners had ruined his favorite suit. Little did he know the man in the next booth was a drug addict and was hearing every word he said.

The eavesdropper followed my uncle home to find out where he lived, then returned when he knew my uncle would be out of town. The man acquainted himself with the housekeeper by teasing her about the funny incident my uncle had mentioned -- and brought over a suit he claimed the cleaners had repaired. He told the housekeeper he had been invited by my uncle to stay a few days, and she fell for it!

He then took over the house, and when a neighbor grew suspicious and called the police, the intruder convinced them the house was his and that my uncle was delusional and had been hassling him.

My uncle finally had to go to court to prove the house was his. By that time, the addict had nearly destroyed the house and had wrecked my uncle's car. Believe me, Abby, the worst CAN happen. A house and car can be repaired, but precious children cannot. Sign me ... CAUTIOUS IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR CAUTIOUS: That's a chilling story. However, not all of my readers viewed that letter from the same perspective. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Grandmother of Five in North Texas" was surprised that the woman cell phone talker, her husband, and "Grandmother's" own husband were upset with her for speaking up. She asked, "Don't people care about one another anymore?" Something I have never seen in your column is a principle I learned many years ago and teach to my psychotherapy clients: "Help that isn't asked for never works."

Unsolicited advice -- no matter how well-meaning -- usually flies back in a person's face if he or she doesn't have agreement from the receiver that the help is wanted. An easy way to determine if it IS wanted is to say something like, "I have some feedback for you -- would you like to hear it?" If the other person says anything other than a clear "yes," consider it a "no" and do not offer it.

We all learn through experience. Some people derive more from experience in their learning process than others. The woman in the restaurant clearly did not want "Grandmother's" help. Since she is good at writing, perhaps a better thing for her to do next time would be to submit a letter to the editor of her local newspaper.

"Grandmother's" insight was helpful to me -- I learned something I never considered before. However, she needs to stop wasting good information on those who don't want it. -- ILENE L. DILLON, L.C.S.W., KENTFIELD, CALIF.

DEAR ILENE: You're absolutely right. And I particularly like your suggestion about writing a letter to the editor to warn others if the situation warrants it. For another "take," read on:

DEAR ABBY: The grandmother's tale reminded me of the story about a man driving from Toronto to Quebec who stopped at a rest stop.

When he entered the men's room, he saw that the first stall was taken, so he proceeded to the second and was no sooner seated than he heard someone in the next stall call out, "Hi, how 'ya doin'?"

The traveler, not used to conversing with strangers in rest rooms, replied hesitantly, "Not bad." The stranger then asked, "What have you been up to?" The traveler answered, "Well, like you, I'm driving east."

A moment later he heard the stranger in an irritated voice say, "Look, I'll call you right back -- some idiot in the next stall is answering all the questions I'm asking YOU!" -- ANOTHER TEXAN

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