DEAR ABBY: For years I was married to a very abusive man. I have a female cousin who stood by me through it all and helped me to finally free myself from him.

Since childhood this cousin and I have confided in each other about everything in our lives.

Now I find out she's dating my ex-husband! Abby, I feel betrayed. I also feel I can no longer confide in her. What should I do? -- CONFUSED BEYOND BELIEF, BEVERLY, MASS.

DEAR CONFUSED: Start praying for her. Because you've been in her shoes, you know firsthand what the future holds for her.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter and some friends tell me I "need a life." Their comments hurt and upset me, Abby, because I am living the life I want.

I have lived with my healthy 87-year-old father since my mom died a few years ago. I run the household as well as manage our cabin resort by the lake. I am truly happy most of the time.

Do you have any suggestions on what I can say to my daughter and friends when they go on about this? -- LIFE IS GREAT ON LAKE SUPERIOR

DEAR LIFE IS GREAT: Thank them for their concern, then tell them you're happy with your life just as it is. This is the life you have chosen, and you find it fulfilling. And, "Since it ain't broke, there's nothing to fix," tell them they should please stop finding fault with your life and get on with theirs.

DEAR ABBY: I have a question about second weddings. At age 20 I was married briefly. It was a big mistake. My boyfriend and I had lived together during college in our small Midwest town, and we gave in to the pressure to tie the knot rather than continue "shacking up."

My wedding quickly became "my mother's wedding." She completely took over and ran the show. I wanted fresh flowers -- I got silk. I wanted ivory china -- I got white. I wanted a small, private wedding -- I was stuck with 562 people I barely knew. She even selected my Dior wedding gown and veil, and considering Mom was footing the entire bill, I felt obligated to yield. I later threw the dress away -- I hated it that much.

On top of all that, I didn't want to get married in the first place, and told my mother as much. By then, however, the invitations were out and I felt stuck. Please keep in mind I was only 20, Abby. That was nine years ago; I would never be steamrolled like that today!

Now I am engaged to a wonderful man. This is his first marriage. We are planning (and paying for) a small but formal event, and I want this wedding to be mine. If I don't get to plan it my way, the opportunity will have passed me by.

Above all, I want the experience of shopping for and choosing my dream bridal dress. I'd like to wear an ivory gown with no train and a simple, long veil that would drag as a kind of train. Certain people have told me I should not do this. What do you think, Abby? Is it OK for a second-time bride to wear a formal bridal gown? -- TWICE A BRIDE

DEAR BRIDE: Those who are advising you to be more low-key are going by the book. If you do not choose to go by the book -- and since you're paying for the wedding -- write your own chapter and do what makes you happy. True friends won't criticize.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My belated thanks to you for encouraging your readers to send holiday messages to our troops. By letter, and more recently via the Internet, OperationDearAbby.net has put countless Americans directly in touch with the fine men and women who serve in uniform.

We at the Pentagon also want to thank the many thoughtful people who wrote to us after our building was struck by the hijacked plane on Sept. 11, 2001.

Americans across the U.S.A. as well as people from other countries around the world sent condolences, encouragement and support. They prayed for us, lit candles, sang for us and drew colorful pictures. We have received angels and flags, posters, banners, beautiful quilts -- even a can of lima beans from a schoolchild in Georgia -- not to mention thousands of cards, some as large as a wall.

Abby, please remind your readers what President Bush said about the war on terror: "Americans should not expect one battle, but a lengthy campaign, unlike any other we have seen." Our military is filled with the sons and daughters of America. They make us proud. -- DONALD H. RUMSFELD, SECRETARY OF DEFENSE, WASHINGTON, D.C.

DEAR MR. SECRETARY: Indeed they do. I am honored to pass along your important message and I urge my readers to continue to write and support our troops wherever they are. Regardless of one's political leanings, after Sept. 11, we are united in a war against terrorism.

DEAR ABBY: What is the meaning of Memorial Day?

That is a question I asked a group of children visiting our nation's capital a few years ago. Their reply: "It's the day the swimming pools open." That innocent response launched an effort to reclaim Memorial Day for the noble and patriotic purpose for which it was intended.

With the help of U.S. senator Chuck Hagel, the National Moment of Remembrance was established by an act of Congress. President Bush and the Congress strongly support this demonstration of national unity, which calls for all Americans to pause and reflect for one minute wherever they may be at 3 p.m. (local time) on Memorial Day, in remembrance of those who have died to preserve our freedom. Those who are driving can turn on their vehicle headlights, and we encourage the playing of "Taps" at public events and on radio and television stations.

Since our nation was founded, almost 2 million men and women have sacrificed their lives to defend and preserve this precious land of hopes and dreams. We are all connected as Americans and should all feel a kinship -- especially on Memorial Day. Their ultimate sacrifice continues to live in each constitutional right we enjoy.

On Memorial Day we hope your readers will please join together in solidarity with those whose grief is fresh and deep, to express their gratitude to the men and women who have died that we might live in freedom. In the words of author Herman Wouk, "The beginning of the end of war lies in remembrance." -- CARMELLA LA SPADA, EXECUTIVE DIRECTOR, WHITE HOUSE COMMISSION ON THE NATIONAL MOMENT OF REMEMBRANCE

DEAR CARMELLA: Memorial Day is Monday. I, too, hope that this year my readers will become more proactive about observing the true meaning of this holiday. If we do, in that one moment we will no longer be hyphenated-Americans; we will truly be one nation.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a pediatric nurse-practitioner. In the past few years, I have seen more and more car advertisements featuring teen-agers not wearing seat belts. The most blatant was one with four prom-goers standing with their upper bodies sticking out above the sunroof of a limo. I should think the insurance industry would be having a fit that the media could be so irresponsible about a serious safety issue.

Teens do not comprehend their own vulnerability. This makes it almost impossible for parents to get them to wear seat belts when ads like these make it seem glamorous not to. Many parents believe their children "always" wear seat belts, only to discover the truth after a tragic accident.

Motor vehicle accidents are the No. 1 killer of adolescents -- not drugs, not suicide or homicide. With spring here, and proms fast approaching, we need to keep stressing the importance of wearing seat belts.

No parent I talked to had seen the prom ad. Public opinion stopped the oversexualizing of underwear ads a few years back. I'd like the same thing to happen with ads that glamorize the non-use of seat belts. -- JOAN BUCHANAN

DEAR JOAN: Yours is a timely letter. Prom and grad nights are again upon us -- and it takes only a second to buckle up.

The souvenirs of prom night should consist of dried corsages and boutonnieres -- not physical scars, broken bones and shattered lives. And while we're on the subject of responsible advertising, read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am appalled at the number of commercials depicting four-wheel-drive vehicles conquering dangerous terrain -- "going where no other car has gone before." The commercials convey the message that you can cross streams, fly through blizzards, dodge carnivorous animals or climb ominous mountain peaks. Some commercials are downright ridiculous.

I have lived in snow country all my life. I am presently the owner of an SUV and have owned other makes depicted in the advertising. They are necessary to my lifestyle. My concern is the message they send to young or inexperienced drivers. This includes the adult driver who is chemically impaired.

The statistics reveal that a high percentage of accidents -- many fatal -- are caused by the misuse of these four-wheel-drive vehicles. Drivers mistakenly believe they are invincible -- driving too fast for the conditions, trying to maneuver in places they shouldn't be, and in general, abandoning common sense.

My son (an experienced teen-age driver) attempted to cross a stream in his Jeep. The commercial presented it as an easily accomplished feat. His vehicle became stuck, creating a dam of water that entered the air filter and destroyed the engine. He was, however, one of the lucky ones. Only the vehicle sustained major damage.

Perhaps the automakers should follow their commercials with a list of the deceased or badly injured who attempt these feats and fail. I believe they need to rethink their enticing invitation to test the limits behind the wheel. -- LIZZIE IN MONTROSE, COLO.

DEAR LIZZIE: I agree. Such ads create a false impression and should be toned down in the interest of public safety.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)