DEAR ABBY: My brother was one of the New York City firefighters who were missing in the World Trade Center disaster. For two months my family agonized about his whereabouts and what happened to him. One night my mom told me about the "pennies from heaven" letters in your column, and I began wishing that Mom could find a penny with my brother's birth year on it -- or some other sign that he was at peace.

In late November, I got a phone call from my sister-in-law that my brother's body was found. When she was given his belongings, she was surprised to see his Saint Florian necklace, which we had never seen him wear. (He must have put it on only when going to a fire.) He had a couple of dollars in his pocket -- and one penny.

When I relayed this news to my mother, she jumped up and said, "That's my sign! He's at peace." I sometimes wonder if we are just looking for signs, but as time goes on and I speak to other families in our situation, nothing feels coincidental. -- SUZANNE AULETTA, HOWELL, N.J.

DEAR SUZANNE: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the tragic loss of your beloved brother. He was not only a hero, but also an innocent victim in a war we are committed to win. If the penny brings comfort to your mother, then it has more than served its purpose.

DEAR ABBY: I am 25 and am engaged to a man I have been with since I was 16. We have lived together for more than six years and have accumulated lots of furniture and household items. I'm beginning to think he is not the right man for me, but fear it will be difficult to leave him. His parents gave us most of our stuff, and I'm afraid if I leave him he will feel he has the right to keep everything they gave us.

I am also having an affair with a married man I work with. He says he loves me but won't leave his wife. In the meantime, I don't want to hurt my fiance, but don't know what to do. Should I tell him the truth about my relationship with the married man? What about the furniture? Does he get to keep it? -- CONFUSED IN BRITISH COLUMBIA

DEAR CONFUSED: Don't waste any more time obsessing about the furniture. Tell your fiance the truth -- and the furniture distribution problem will become a lesser priority.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I wish you would run your collection of "pet peeves" again. Seventy years ago I learned to conjugate verbs, and I am amazed at the number of people who use "got" when they should say "have." Thank you. -- MR. J.W. ANDERSON, LEVITTOWN, PA.

P.S. Remember, Abby, "Got has got to go!"

DEAR MR. ANDERSON: It has been nearly 10 years since these rules of basic grammar appeared in my column -- and we can all use this refresher course. Read on:

DEAR READERS: A while back, I wrote a column on the misuse of words and other irritants and named a few. I then asked readers to send their pet peeves concerning common mistakes in grammar and pronunciation. How's this for a collection?

The "lie" and "lay" confusion: To "lay" means to set or put; to "lie" means to recline. Remember, chickens lay eggs. People lie down.

The use of "all are not" when the person means "not all are." Example: Saying, "All women are not beautiful," when one means, "Not all women are beautiful."

We frequently hear "between you and I." Wrong! It's "between you and me." Another irritant is "try and" instead of "try to." For example, one may try to win -- then lose. But how can one try and win -- and then lose?

One hears supposedly educated people say "between she and I" instead of the correct "between her and me."

And how about the word "irregardless"? Just plain "regardless" will do, but regardless of how "irregardless" grates on one's nerves, it has nosed its way into the dictionary. (It means "regardless.")

Talk about overusing a word, I nominate "basically." People who start every other sentence with the word "basically" usually have limited vocabularies.

My pet peeve -- double negatives: "I don't know nothing" and "We don't go nowhere" are the worst offenders.

Some people think the plural of "you" is "youse." It's not. "You" is both singular and plural.

The word "forte" (meaning strong point) is pronounced "fort" -- not for-tay.

Also, people use the word "snuck" instead of "sneaked." Although "snuck" somehow sneaked into the dictionary, it's not used by people who use proper English.

Ask someone to define "hoi polloi," and it's a good bet that he will say "high-tone or upper class." Actually, it means "the masses" -- or the general population.

"Nuclear" is pronounced "nuke-lee-er," not "nuke-you-ler"!

And how about "he's got," "she's got" and "they've got"? The better word is "has." ("He has," "she has," etc.) "Got" has got to go!

The month of February has two "R's" in it, but we keep hearing "Feb-yoo-ary."

We frequently hear that a man has "prostrate" trouble, when actually he has "pros-tate" trouble.

Another error -- using the word "myself" instead of "me." Example: "If you have any questions, see Bobby or myself after the meeting." "See Bobby or me" is correct.

The "infer" and "imply" mix-up: The writer "implies"; the reader "infers." (It's like pitching and catching.)

Please do not say "o" instead of "zero." Or use the word "that" when "who" is correct. ("That" refers to inanimate objects, "who" to people.)

Now, lend me your ear: Don't use "loan" as a verb, as in, "Loan me a 20." It should be, "Lend me a 20." "Loan" is a noun; "lend" is a verb.

Finally, the misuse of the word "ask": Some say "ax" instead of "ask." I would much rather be "asked" than "axed." Wouldn't you?

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Our stepfather is still alive, but my family and I are trying to decide where to bury him when the time comes. When our mother died six years ago, we purchased two burial plots so they could be laid to rest next to each other. We even had a headstone engraved with both their names.

A few months ago, we discovered that our stepfather sexually abused several of the children and grandchildren when they were young. We also learned he never paid my mother's funeral expenses.

Abby, we are torn between burying him with our mother, or removing the present headstone and replacing it with a single stone with just her name on it. Most of us want him to be buried far away from her. We can't help feeling he married our mother to get to the children. Please advise us on the right thing to do. -- ANGRY DAUGHTER IN KANSAS

DEAR ANGRY DAUGHTER: Your feelings are understandable and justified. However, under the circumstances, I cannot understand why you feel any responsibility for disposing of your stepfather's body "when the time comes." He's not a blood relative.

I have another suggestion: If you are his legal next of kin, donate his body to science. That way in death he can do something positive for society.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my early 30s, and this summer I'm to be married for the first time. My parents have been divorced for many years and are splitting the cost of the wedding. My father has contributed $10,000. The cost is expected to be higher. My mother remarried 15 years ago, and she and my stepfather can afford to pay the balance.

The problem is I intensely dislike my father's girlfriend, "Tess." They have been together 10 years. I have done everything I can think of to get him to leave her.

Tess attends all the family holiday parties. I won't go if I know she will be there -- therefore, MY holidays are ruined! I did succeed once in getting her "uninvited," but since then nobody will listen to me. Tess will have nothing to do with me now. In fact, she looks right through me as though I am invisible.

Abby, I do not want Tess to attend my wedding and ruin my big day. I have demanded that my father not bring her, but he will not hear of it. He says since he is paying $10,000, he will invite whomever he wants. What can I do? How can I make this woman stay away? -- SUMMER BRIDE ON A BUMMER

DEAR SUMMER BRIDE: You can't. Unless you welcome her warmly, you may experience a $10,000 shortfall. So sweeten up, grow up and accept reality. Your wedding can be the beginning of many new relationships.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Big Sister Sue," whose sister is marrying the ex-husband of another sister, reminded me of a similar situation in my family.

During a family gathering, I was catching up with two of my elderly female cousins whom I hadn't seen since my childhood. The older of the two was in her 70s. She remarked that she had been married multiple times and was now married to her younger sister's ex-husband.

I asked if the marriage had caused any hard feelings, and I still have to chuckle at her answer: "No hard feelings -- he's a good man, so we decided to recycle him!" -- MARY HEDENSKOG, NORWOOD, N.C.

DEAR MARY: Your cousin was a practical woman. "Waste not, want not."

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)