DEAR ABBY: Our stepfather is still alive, but my family and I are trying to decide where to bury him when the time comes. When our mother died six years ago, we purchased two burial plots so they could be laid to rest next to each other. We even had a headstone engraved with both their names.

A few months ago, we discovered that our stepfather sexually abused several of the children and grandchildren when they were young. We also learned he never paid my mother's funeral expenses.

Abby, we are torn between burying him with our mother, or removing the present headstone and replacing it with a single stone with just her name on it. Most of us want him to be buried far away from her. We can't help feeling he married our mother to get to the children. Please advise us on the right thing to do. -- ANGRY DAUGHTER IN KANSAS

DEAR ANGRY DAUGHTER: Your feelings are understandable and justified. However, under the circumstances, I cannot understand why you feel any responsibility for disposing of your stepfather's body "when the time comes." He's not a blood relative.

I have another suggestion: If you are his legal next of kin, donate his body to science. That way in death he can do something positive for society.

DEAR ABBY: I am in my early 30s, and this summer I'm to be married for the first time. My parents have been divorced for many years and are splitting the cost of the wedding. My father has contributed $10,000. The cost is expected to be higher. My mother remarried 15 years ago, and she and my stepfather can afford to pay the balance.

The problem is I intensely dislike my father's girlfriend, "Tess." They have been together 10 years. I have done everything I can think of to get him to leave her.

Tess attends all the family holiday parties. I won't go if I know she will be there -- therefore, MY holidays are ruined! I did succeed once in getting her "uninvited," but since then nobody will listen to me. Tess will have nothing to do with me now. In fact, she looks right through me as though I am invisible.

Abby, I do not want Tess to attend my wedding and ruin my big day. I have demanded that my father not bring her, but he will not hear of it. He says since he is paying $10,000, he will invite whomever he wants. What can I do? How can I make this woman stay away? -- SUMMER BRIDE ON A BUMMER

DEAR SUMMER BRIDE: You can't. Unless you welcome her warmly, you may experience a $10,000 shortfall. So sweeten up, grow up and accept reality. Your wedding can be the beginning of many new relationships.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Big Sister Sue," whose sister is marrying the ex-husband of another sister, reminded me of a similar situation in my family.

During a family gathering, I was catching up with two of my elderly female cousins whom I hadn't seen since my childhood. The older of the two was in her 70s. She remarked that she had been married multiple times and was now married to her younger sister's ex-husband.

I asked if the marriage had caused any hard feelings, and I still have to chuckle at her answer: "No hard feelings -- he's a good man, so we decided to recycle him!" -- MARY HEDENSKOG, NORWOOD, N.C.

DEAR MARY: Your cousin was a practical woman. "Waste not, want not."

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DEAR ABBY: I have been married 17 happy years. We were high school sweethearts and are still very much in love. We have only one huge problem, and one day it's going to come to a head. We live in the north with the change of seasons. I love fall and winter sledding, shoveling snow, relaxing by our fireplace, taking walks through fallen leaves, and all the other seasonal activities. I do not care for summer -- the heat, the humidity, summer bugs, etc.

So what's my problem? My husband is the opposite. He gets depressed during the winter and counts the days until summer. He curses the snow on the gray, cold days that are ideal to me. He is 100 percent set on retiring and moving south. When we vacation in Florida, he constantly talks about when we move there.

Abby, I get migraines that worsen in bright sunlight, hate the heat and would miss my family terribly. I have brothers, sisters, nieces and parents whom I see or talk with daily. My husband and I have discussed this several times. Neither of us is willing to budge. We have a beautiful home here in a picture-perfect neighborhood. If all goes as planned, retirement is only 15 years away. We need to settle this. What do we do? -- SNOW QUEEN IN OHIO

DEAR SNOW QUEEN: First of all, don't panic; you have 15 years to resolve this. One of the most unfortunate mistakes some senior citizens have made involved their fantasy about retirement. They sold their homes, left friends and families -- their entire emotional support network -- and moved to a new community to live their dream. Except once they got to the new location it didn't turn out to be as idyllic as they thought it would be.

That's why I urge you and your husband to take that move slowly -- one step at a time. If he wants to move south, when the time comes, consider renting out your "beautiful home in a picture-perfect neighborhood" for a year and renting a place in Florida. That way you can both see what the reality of a retirement in Florida would be. And if it doesn't live up to the fantasy, you'll have a home to return to.

Another possibility: Consider renting a place in Florida for a few weeks during the worst of the winter. Perhaps the promise of an annual winter getaway will make your husband more tolerant of northern weather.

Keep an open mind. There's always the chance you'll both love it -- and your family might enjoy joining the flocks of snowbirds who have relatives with a place to nest when they want to thaw their frozen bones.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend, "Cheryl," has a 19-year-old daughter, "Lisa," who is pregnant and unmarried. She has not broken the news to her parents or any family members. Lisa e-mailed my daughter and some of her other friends to announce her pregnancy, and even scheduled an ultrasound.

I feel caught in the middle. My daughter and I think I should tell Cheryl and her husband. My daughter is concerned that someone will let this secret out of the bag, and Cheryl will be hurt and angry with me for not telling her first.

Meanwhile, my husband tells me to keep my trap shut. He feels strongly that Lisa should break the news to her parents herself. I have to make a decision, Abby. This girl is four months along. Please help. -- SUE IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR SUE: I'm inclined to agree with your husband. Since you are a close friend, try to persuade Lisa to share her news with her parents since she has already notified her friends -- and offer to be with her for moral support. It may be the assurance she needs.

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DEAR ABBY: My brother's wife, "Sandy," does not have a degree in psychology or medicine, yet freely assigns diagnoses to family members after reading about their "conditions" in magazines.

At a family picnic last Sunday, Sandy declared that I am bipolar and my mother is entering the second stage of Alzheimer's! I was appalled at her lack of sensitivity on this and other issues, so I called her Monday morning to initiate an honest discussion of her behavior.

Less than a minute into our conversation, Sandy angrily told me to "get a life" and slammed the phone in my ear. She immediately called my mother and told her how insulted she was that I would use the word "behavior" with her. She said it made her feel like a 6-year-old.

After she calmed down and phoned me back, Sandy repeated her outrage at my using the word "behavior." When I asked her what word I should have used instead, she said "efforts."

What do you make of her so-called "efforts," Abby? I still think she was out of line. My sister-in-law may be many things, but she's no doctor! -- FED UP IN PRINCETON, N.J.

DEAR FED UP: Right. There is a saying, "The best defense is a good offense." Your sister-in-law's behavior was an example of that.

DEAR ABBY: I have a complaint about my husband "Pete's" generosity to others.

Pete is a golf professional and is asked almost weekly by family and friends to get them golf equipment at cost. It takes up a big chunk of his time to order and ship out the clubs, shoes, etc. -- not to mention trying to get these folks to pay for their orders.

Do these Sunday golfers ever do anything nice for Pete? No! He won't turn down their requests because he can't stand the thought of someone not thinking he's a good guy. I say this needs to stop.

Please help me convince my husband that these freeloaders are just that. -- FRUSTRATED WIFE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR WIFE: The man you married is either a good Samaritan or a severely addicted people pleaser. I don't blame you for being tee'd. However, until he's ready to see that friendship is a two-way street, he won't change -- nor is he going to accept unsolicited advice from me.

DEAR ABBY: My wife's family consisted of eight sisters and four brothers. She is the youngest sister, and the difference in age between her and her older sister is 18 years. All of the siblings married and had many children. My wife attended all their showers; we subsequently went to the weddings and baby showers.

Now the third generation is starting to become engaged and we are again receiving invitations. We don't have the energy or money to attend these weddings, but don't know how to graciously decline the invitations. (There are more on the horizon.) Both of us are over 80 years old and on a fixed income. How should we respond? -- OLD FOLK IN NEW YORK

DEAR OLD FOLK: Send a lovely card and good wishes to the happy couples. If you are questioned about your absence, be honest; say that you do not want to offend any of your siblings by playing favorites and attending only a few of the celebrations -- and attending them all would create a hardship.

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