DEAR ABBY: My brother's wife, "Sandy," does not have a degree in psychology or medicine, yet freely assigns diagnoses to family members after reading about their "conditions" in magazines.

At a family picnic last Sunday, Sandy declared that I am bipolar and my mother is entering the second stage of Alzheimer's! I was appalled at her lack of sensitivity on this and other issues, so I called her Monday morning to initiate an honest discussion of her behavior.

Less than a minute into our conversation, Sandy angrily told me to "get a life" and slammed the phone in my ear. She immediately called my mother and told her how insulted she was that I would use the word "behavior" with her. She said it made her feel like a 6-year-old.

After she calmed down and phoned me back, Sandy repeated her outrage at my using the word "behavior." When I asked her what word I should have used instead, she said "efforts."

What do you make of her so-called "efforts," Abby? I still think she was out of line. My sister-in-law may be many things, but she's no doctor! -- FED UP IN PRINCETON, N.J.

DEAR FED UP: Right. There is a saying, "The best defense is a good offense." Your sister-in-law's behavior was an example of that.

DEAR ABBY: I have a complaint about my husband "Pete's" generosity to others.

Pete is a golf professional and is asked almost weekly by family and friends to get them golf equipment at cost. It takes up a big chunk of his time to order and ship out the clubs, shoes, etc. -- not to mention trying to get these folks to pay for their orders.

Do these Sunday golfers ever do anything nice for Pete? No! He won't turn down their requests because he can't stand the thought of someone not thinking he's a good guy. I say this needs to stop.

Please help me convince my husband that these freeloaders are just that. -- FRUSTRATED WIFE IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR WIFE: The man you married is either a good Samaritan or a severely addicted people pleaser. I don't blame you for being tee'd. However, until he's ready to see that friendship is a two-way street, he won't change -- nor is he going to accept unsolicited advice from me.

DEAR ABBY: My wife's family consisted of eight sisters and four brothers. She is the youngest sister, and the difference in age between her and her older sister is 18 years. All of the siblings married and had many children. My wife attended all their showers; we subsequently went to the weddings and baby showers.

Now the third generation is starting to become engaged and we are again receiving invitations. We don't have the energy or money to attend these weddings, but don't know how to graciously decline the invitations. (There are more on the horizon.) Both of us are over 80 years old and on a fixed income. How should we respond? -- OLD FOLK IN NEW YORK

DEAR OLD FOLK: Send a lovely card and good wishes to the happy couples. If you are questioned about your absence, be honest; say that you do not want to offend any of your siblings by playing favorites and attending only a few of the celebrations -- and attending them all would create a hardship.

Abby shares more than 100 of her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "More Favorite Recipes by Dear Abby." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $10 (U.S. funds)

to: Dear Abby -- Cookbooklet Set, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have a 12-year-old son who is academically gifted. He understands, speaks and reads on a much higher level than the sixth-grade program he is in. Unfortunately, the schools in our area are limited in their ability to deal with gifted students.

One teacher told me that the gifted program my son is currently in is not challenging him, while another teacher has suggested he bring down his level of speech, reading, etc., to the level of the other students in his class so that he can fit in more easily.

My concern is that my son will become bored with school and quit, or get so depressed about not fitting in that he may get himself into trouble.

What can I do to foster his intelligence, Abby? Emotionally he is a 12-year-old, but his intellectual capacity is so far advanced, it's becoming difficult to strike the right balance.

All this boy wants is to communicate with kids his own age who have the same abilities and interests that he has. Any suggestions would be appreciated. -- SOUTH CAROLINA MOM

DEAR MOM: Consider hiring a college student to tutor your son -- and perhaps mentor him. He needs contact with people on his intellectual level. He should feel comfortable with who he is -- and he is an academic high achiever who grasps concepts above his grade level. At the same time, encourage him to go out for team sports or join special-interest groups with kids his own age.

DEAR ABBY: My husband is in the military, requiring us to move every two to three years. We are blessed to have family and friends scattered all over the United States. After eight years of trying, we are finally expecting our first child.

Is it proper to send baby shower invitations to out-of-town family and friends even though I know they will be unable to attend? -- BURSTING WITH JOY IN SAN ANTONIO

DEAR BURSTING: No. A better way would be to write your family and friends and share your good news now. Send a birth announcement after the baby arrives.

DEAR ABBY: I hope you're not sick of "grandmother stories," because I've got a sweet one.

My grandmother, May, was the "Big Hershey Bar Grandma." She did not approve of smoking, and my father did not approve of giving candy to us kids.

After dinner at Grandma's house, Dad would go outside to smoke and she'd go into her kitchen. Then she would call out, "Come on, kids!" She'd reach into her freezer to break off pieces of a big Hershey bar and give us each a piece.

Now, 45 years later, my husband and I keep assorted bite-size chocolates in a drawer of our entertainment center just below the Disney videos. Our grandson knows the little Hershey's are his, and the bite-size Snickers are my husband's.

I can no longer eat chocolate, and my beloved grandma -- the only one I knew -- passed on in 1971. But whenever I'm in a store and see those large Hershey bars, I smile, remembering the ones in the small freezer of Grandma's old-fashioned fridge. -- DONNA IN PORTLAND, ORE.

DEAR DONNA: Although you cannot eat chocolate now, the memory is delicious. Thanks for sharing it.

DEAR ABBY: I can't agree with your advice to "Poor Little Butterfly in Oklahoma," whose mother went on an eight-hour harangue after finding out her married daughter got a tattoo when she was 20.

I think the couple did the right thing to put Mom on a plane home. I do not agree with your advice to "mend fences" and take the "high road." This is 2002 -- not 1940. Tell the mother to get over it. There is nothing she can do about it now. -- TATTOOED MOM IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR TATTOOED MOM: That's true. I may have been smoking the peace pipe for too long. Many readers agreed with you. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I feel strongly that MOM should apologize for making all of the fuss. An eight-hour attack from one's mother cannot be -- and should not be -- borne by an adult. Mom was out of line. "Poor" has a right to her life and beliefs. If her tattoo pleases her and her husband, that's good enough!

Abby, I, too, was a victim of attack by a relative -- my daughter. She was so adamantly against my getting a tattoo that I decided it wasn't worth the hassle. (I had always wanted an anklet of roses and leaves.) Then, several summers ago, my daughter had an accident. Her truck was totaled, but fortunately she walked away unharmed. She came home and said, "Mom, if you want that tattoo -- go get it. Life is too short. I'll even buy it for you." And she did! I got my tattoo at the ripe old age of 69 -- and have not regretted it. -- HAPPY WITH ROSES IN KINGMAN, ARIZ.

DEAR HAPPY: Thanks for the input.

DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Poor Little Butterfly" was wrong, wrong, wrong. This is an issue of the daughter preserving her self-esteem, not an argument over a tattoo. This butterfly had every right to ask her mother to take off! -- YOUNG MOM IN WASHINGTON

DEAR YOUNG MOM: I suspect you're right that the mother was reacting to more than the tattoo.

DEAR Abby: That couple did the right thing sending her mother home. They stuck up for each other in the face of adversity. That marriage is going to endure.

Unfortunately, mine will not. Ten years ago, on the morning of my first daughter's christening, my mother-in-law looked over her newspaper and proceeded to lecture me about how they do things in "their" family. She made the mistake of giving me this lecture while an overnight guest in our home (which, by the way, my wife and I bought with no help from her mother).

Abby, I sent her packing the next day. My mother-in-law proceeded to bad-mouth me to the rest of the family, trying her best to turn them against me. My wife never once took a stand against her mother. She let her mom criticize me to everyone without ever setting the record straight.

My wife made a decision that day about where her allegiance stood. The events of that day were the single greatest indictor of how the rest of our marriage was to go. -- GETTING DIVORCED 10 YEARS LATER

DEAR GETTING DIVORCED: How sad that a loving daughter was forced to choose between her husband and her mother -- and made the wrong choice.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)