DEAR ABBY: I had to respond to "Tired in Tennessee," who was advised by a marriage counselor that she and her husband needed time for themselves, but complained that her mother never offered to baby-sit their two small sons.

My wife and I have three children, five years apart in age. We solved the problem by finding friends in the neighborhood who have children of similar ages. We take their kids for a week, and they reciprocate while my wife and I go on vacation. Taking care of six children isn't all that difficult. In some ways it's easier because each child has a playmate living in the house. The kids like it because they are not with strangers. I hope this helps. -- BEEN THERE IN OREGON

DEAR BEEN THERE: It's a sensible suggestion, and I'm sure it will be welcomed by more parents than "Tired in Tennessee." Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Why would anyone want Grandma to take responsibility for two young children if she isn't thrilled about it? My mother-in-law isn't speaking to me because I won't permit her to have my baby in her home. She has an unfenced pool, an explosive husband, and a proven inability to exercise good judgment. Bottom line: Don't expect what isn't offered.

In the meantime, paid help is the best help if you want to call the shots. Also, many nice resorts offer excellent kids' programs and bonded baby sitters for evenings out. You'll meet lots of other parents like yourselves making use of them. -- REALISTIC IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR REALISTIC: You're right; a paid professional is better than a reluctant relative.

DEAR ABBY: I understand both sides of the problem. I am an older grandmother in fairly good health. I love to baby-sit my grandkids over the weekends; however, sometimes I have moments of panic. I think, "What would happen should I become ill, or heaven forbid, I don't wake up in the morning? What would the kids do? Who would they call?" I didn't feel this way until I became a widow, but since then, I know it can happen. -- ARKANSAS GRANDMOTHER

DEAR ARKANSAS GRANDMOTHER: It's always wise to be prepared in an emergency. Even little children can learn to dial 911. Also, parents of minor children should leave medical permission papers in case of illness or accident.

DEAR ABBY: I could be that grandmother. The key words in her complaint were "active children." Translation: "brats."

When my daughter's family visits, the children are like wild animals. They won't eat at mealtime, but are in the refrigerator and cookie jar constantly. They jump on the furniture, break things and lie. They constantly beg to go shopping so Grandma can buy them a toy. They are an embarrassment in the store, and I no longer take them to a restaurant because they crawl under the tables and upset other diners.

One time I lost my temper and scolded them. My daughter became furious with me and didn't speak to me for several weeks. When they visit, I hold my breath, bite my tongue, and can't wait for them to go home. I am not about to volunteer to sit with these kids and put myself through such misery. I love my grandkids, but sometimes I don't like them -- and it is the fault of their parents, who never learned to say no to them. -- M. IN ARIZONA

DEAR M.: I agree. However, you're saying it to the wrong person. That comment should be made closer to home.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I hope you can stand another wedding-related disaster. I was married last October. My husband and I both wanted a small wedding because we couldn't afford a large one. We planned to elope and be married with only our parents and siblings as guests. The idea was to spend a fun weekend at a local inn.

My mother-in-law suggested that we include a few of our closest friends. Therefore, my husband and I each invited six friends and their dates/spouses. A total of 33 people attended the wedding, and it was exactly what we wanted.

I plan to throw a party for other relatives later this year. However, none of mine are speaking to me! They say I wrote them off by excluding them from the wedding -- that I chose friends over family, and some other hurtful comments.

When I explained that my husband's aunts, uncles and cousins weren't invited either and expressed their happiness for us, my relatives didn't care. My husband comes from a prominent family, and my side of the family is using that against me. They insist I am ashamed of them and think they're not good enough.

I thought throwing a party for everyone afterward would solve the problem. However, after what my relatives have said, I don't want to waste our money on them. I doubt they'd come anyway, since we're not speaking.

Abby, is one obligated to invite relatives to one's wedding? Is there an invitation protocol? Please advise. -- KELLY IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

DEAR KELLY: Nothing is written in stone. However, in an ideal world, members of one's family are supposed to be closer than one's friends. Since it's too late to invite your family to your wedding, send them personal invitations to your party and see who shows up. (That way they won't think you have turned your back on them completely.)

DEAR ABBY: I have a hint for your readers who have a loved one in a nursing home: Carry a notebook. If there's a problem, note the day, time, the person you talked with and the condition of your loved one. Describe any problems and when they were solved.

If your loved one can make notes, give him or her a notebook, and have the person make notes of what is happening.

I shared this idea with a friend. She said it worked for her and her dad. He is getting much better care now. -- CAREGIVER IN OKLAHOMA

DEAR CAREGIVER: Thanks for the suggestion. Jotting down the details of important conversations can be helpful for many reasons. Another good idea is to drop by unexpectedly and let the management know that you are paying attention to the care your loved one is receiving. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Our visits to friends in nursing homes and convalescent hospitals would be much more pleasant if the patient's family would pin up happy pictures or awards on the walls. Most rooms have a bulletin board.

We could talk about happy experiences and honors, rather than aches and pains. -- MARGARET MILLER, CINCINNATI

DEAR MARGARET: I have a better idea. Why don't all visitors take along photos or other mementos of happy events to liven up the conversation? Funny cartoons can also lighten the atmosphere. Smiles and laughter are good medicine for all concerned.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby -- Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR READERS: Much to my delight, pennies-from-heaven letters continue to pour in. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your letters about "pennies from heaven" have touched my heart more than words can express. At the time that the letters first appeared in your column, my father was losing his battle with cancer. He died peacefully at home last month with his loving family by his side.

The morning of his funeral, I asked the funeral director to place 11 pennies in his pocket. Each penny represents a member of our immediate family. You can be sure that all of us will be looking for those pennies to fall from heaven! -- DIANNE RICHARDSON-CONDA, MOUNT LAUREL, N.J.

DEAR DIANNE: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your father. Keep your eyes peeled for those pennies. They're sure to come back to you.

DEAR ABBY: Seven years ago my husband had a stroke. The first day I walked out of the hospital, I picked up three pennies and put them in my pocket. His condition was touch-and-go.

Every day walking out of the hospital, I would find a penny or two and add them to the others in my pocket. When I changed clothes, I would transfer the pennies to the pocket of what I was wearing. It seems unbelievable, but every single day I would find more pennies. In a strange way, I found it comforting because I felt reassured my husband would pull through -- and he did!

To this day, every time I pick up a penny on the street, I add it to the pennies I saved from the hospital. I will never spend them because they brought my husband and me good luck when we most needed it. -- LENA KATZ, WEST PALM BEACH, FLA.

DEAR LENA: Those pennies are a tangible reminder of your good fortune. And that alone makes them priceless.

DEAR ABBY: My mother had a favorite penny story from when she was a little girl in Farmville, Va., in the 1890s. She died in 1983 at the age of 93.

Times were tough and there was no money in the house. So my grandmother sent my mother to the store to buy a penny's worth of oil for their lamp -- with the promise to pay the stern general store owner "next week."

Sheepishly, she left the house, walked down the front path and opened the gate. Lo and behold! There was a penny lying on the street. Mother always called it a miracle. -- MARTHA IN CLEVELAND HEIGHTS, OHIO

DEAR MARTHA: I don't blame her. That penny saved your mother a world of embarrassment, and that's worth more than money can buy.

DEAR ABBY: Three years ago, my father passed away in upstate New York. We traveled to his funeral from our home in North Carolina. Within two weeks we sold the home and moved Mom back to North Carolina with us. They had been married for 58 years.

My mother passed away last year. Before her casket was closed, one of my relatives approached me and asked if I had put three pennies in my mother's pocket. I was confused and asked what she was talking about. She told me there were three bridges Mother would have to cross to get to heaven.

I immediately placed six pennies in my mother's pocket to pay the toll -- I knew my dad was waiting patiently for her at the first bridge. -- MISSING MOM AND DAD IN GODWIN, N.C.

DEAR MISSING: How touching. It's nice to know you can "take it with you."

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)