DEAR ABBY: I read with great empathy the series of letters that began with "Frustrated Wife," who was overweight and whose husband had moved to another bedroom.

"Cindy in Arizona" wrote, "If he really loved his wife he would urge her to go to counseling with him and go to a diet clinic with her, where he could learn to support her needs." Then "Rebecca in New Orleans" wrote, "The husband was not justified in withholding sex." You replied with some realistic points about obesity as an important health issue.

On Sept. 1, 2000, my wife of 20 years died in her sleep of a fatal arrhythmia. "Reba" was 49 years old, the doting mother of two teen-aged boys, and possibly as much as 150 pounds overweight. It was something she battled all her life, and it eventually killed her.

Compulsive eating is an insidious and complex problem, and any family member living with a compulsive eater deserves the benefit of the doubt. Through the years, I tried to support Reba through many diets, exercise programs, support groups and counselors. The end result was that I was failing along with her and getting sucked into her illness. I also lost all trust in her.

Four years of Al-Anon taught me to detach myself from the sickness while loving my wife. It also taught me to stand up for myself in certain areas. Joining Al-Anon may be the best thing "Frustrated Wife's" husband can do for himself and for her.

Of course, no one is justified in withholding sex. However, no one should feel compelled to have sex, either. There were times when I simply couldn't do it, and I'm not going to apologize to anyone for it. Reba was a wonderful woman, but I had to learn all over again to be attracted to her. We were lucky in that the bonds of our relationship went deeper than most. But I'm not going to judge anyone whose marriage may not have as much going for it as ours did.

I wish I had some answers for the problem of compulsive eating. Reba worked hard to accept herself as a good person, regardless of her weight. But she resisted taking the next step, which would have been treating her obesity as a health issue. Possibly, she simply wasn't ready to and ran out of time. However, it doesn't change the end result: two motherless children and a bewildered husband who can't quite comprehend what has happened to his life and who still halfway expects her to come home one day.

So, please keep preaching, Abby. This is not a matter of learning fat acceptance -- it's a matter of life and death. -- DWIGHT IN WYOMING

DEAR DWIGHT: Please accept my deepest sympathy for the untimely loss of your beloved wife. Since that series of letters ran, you wouldn't believe the irate letters I have received from people who felt I had personally insulted or ridiculed them. Your letter illustrates the importance of taking care of our health.

Sometimes the problem isn't so much what we're eating as what's eating us. I hope the people who read this will realize it was written because I care about them.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY: Forgiveness is freeing -- for yourself as well as for others. It frees you from carrying the burden of past resentments. It allows you to release the past so that all your energy can be fully available for the present. Forgiveness is the ultimate gift you can give yourself. (Author unknown)

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more sociable person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am 34 years old, married and very confused. My current husband, "Austin," and I have a good marriage. He is wonderful to me. I have three children from a previous marriage.

My ex-husband, "Chet," and I are great friends. I have never stopped loving him. That is my problem. I dream of Chet every night. I think of him all day. I don't know how to get him out of my mind and heart.

Abby, I am committed to my marriage and take my vows seriously, but it's almost like I am emotionally cheating on Austin. I have even considered leaving him because I feel so guilty about the way I feel. I know I could never be reunited with Chet, but I don't think I love Austin the way a wife should.

Is it wrong to have feelings about your children's father? -- CONFLICTED IN COLORADO

DEAR CONFLICTED: No. Chet may have been a poor husband, but the attraction you felt for him is still powerful. I call it moth-to-the-flame syndrome. Even though the moth may get singed to oblivion, the attraction is still there.

What would be wrong would be to ACT on those feelings. Consider this: The objects we dream about are usually symbolic. Counseling could help you to figure out what Chet symbolizes in your dreams and fantasies. It may not be what you think.

DEAR ABBY: Our elementary school second-grade class had an assembly conducted by the local fire department. The firemen demonstrated their equipment, let the children try on helmets and protective clothing, and talked to them about fire safety. One thing they did was show the children how to crawl out of a room or house that was on fire.

One child in the class is in a wheelchair. He cannot walk or crawl or maneuver his manual chair by himself. This student's one-on-one aide thought the boy should learn what HE should do if he was ever in a fire. She decided that he could yell for help so the firemen could find him.

Now when she brings him to my office for toileting, she puts him on the toilet and then leaves the room to give him some privacy. When he's ready to get back in his chair, he is to yell loudly. His normal speaking voice is very soft, so he had to be trained to yell loudly. Some people in the school have been frightened when they heard him yell, "Help! I'm in here!" from the bathroom -– but it just may save his life one day. -- TUCSON, ARIZ., EDUCATOR

DEAR EDUCATOR: I am all for a child being prepared in case of an emergency. What concerns me is the possibility that the child's cries would be discounted if a real emergency were to occur. It is unwise to instruct a child to yell "Help!" unless there is danger. Assistance in the restroom could just as easily be gained by shouting, "Agnes, I'm ready now!" The message would be accurate and not frighten anyone.

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing regarding the sister-in-law who parades around the house naked. I wonder if the couple who live there would like to supplement their income by taking in a boarder. Tell them Grandpa's suitcase is packed! -- NATURE LOVER IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR NATURE LOVER: Unpack your suitcase, Grandpa. They have enough problems already.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds) to: Dear Abby -- Keepers Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in the price.)

DEAR ABBY: My fiance's sister was married three weeks ago. It was the most unorganized, chaotic mess I've ever seen. The night before the wedding, she called me, frantically asking if I could come early to the hall to "help make bows." I immediately agreed. By the time the conversation ended, she had given me a list a mile long of "last-minute details" she had forgotten. I felt obligated to help, knowing she, her mother and bridesmaids would all be busy getting ready for the wedding.

I spent more than $100 on balloons, toothpicks, 15 yards of lovely fabric, a fountain pen, ice, etc. -- and I single-handedly arranged all the flowers and decorated the hall. I finished as the guests arrived. Of course, no chairs had been set up for them to sit on, so I pointed to a stack of them in the corner and ran home to change into something clean.

When I returned, the ceremony was over. But I was just in time to start serving food, as no caterers had been hired. I went home exhausted and feeling terribly used. I barely got a thank-you for my efforts.

The next morning, the bride called to ask if I could dry all the roses for her because a florist was going to make her a keepsake arrangement.

The bride has now returned from her honeymoon. I've given her all the receipts for my expenditures, but she hasn't bothered to pay me back. Abby, so far I've kept my mouth shut about how I feel, but I'm so angry I'm losing sleep. Your thoughts, please? -- FEELING USED

DEAR FEELING USED: Call her and calmly remind her of her obligation to reimburse you. Without you, the wedding would have been a disaster; you deserve a medal for saving the day. However, you may have to wait to receive your reward in heaven. Stand firm when you're asked to rescue her in the future -- my intuition tells me you'll be asked repeatedly.

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing to praise my husband, Gene, who has done what few others would -- he is responsible for dinner every other night! He said it is only fair since I went back to work full time in 1994. It took us a while to figure out the particulars, but our system has worked well for more than seven years.

Gene's birthday is on the 24th of the month, mine is on the 13th. His is even and mine is odd, meaning he is responsible for dinner on even days, and I on odd days. When it's our turn, we cook, pick up food to bring home, or decide which restaurant to go to -- and pick up the check. I still do most of the grocery shopping, and sometimes he adds a few items to my list. I don't mind because Gene is a good cook, and he never forgets to make plans on "his" night.

Abby, the idea for our system came from your column. Many years ago, you solved a mother's dilemma when her kids fought over who was going to sit in the front seat of her car. You suggested one ride up front on even days, the other on odd. We used your idea when our children were young. Thanks! -- CAROLYN LOVELACE, NASHVILLE, TENN.

DEAR CAROLYN: I'm all for recycling -- and a good idea can have many applications.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $5 (U.S. funds only) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)