DEAR ABBY: I have a big problem. My mother has a boyfriend who just got out of prison. He was incarcerated for aggravated sexual assault on a child.

Mom is in love with this man. They've been "going together" for nearly a year. Here's the problem: Whenever he comes over to see Mom and he gets me alone -– even for a minute –- he says stuff like, "You're lookin' good today," and tells me my breasts look big and firm. Things like that. He even talks that way when Mother is in the next room. It makes me very uncomfortable.

Sometimes when Mom's back is turned, he winks at me and licks his lips. I've asked him to stop, but he doesn't listen. Now he's at the point where he tries to grab me and slap my behind.

If I tell Mom, I'm afraid she won't believe me because she knows I don't like him.

I am 20. Mom's boyfriend is 40-something. He's always staring at me and telling me to smile. Abby, I can't smile when he's around because he makes me so uncomfortable. What should I do? –- UNSURE AND UNEASY

DEAR UNEASY: Tell your mother exactly what you have told me, and don't put it off any longer for fear she won't believe you. Her boyfriend is a predator, and his behavior is escalating. He's lucky you haven't reported him to his probation officer. The man has a sickness, and your mother can't fix it. Warn her -– and for your personal safety, keep your distance.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 21-year-old mother with a 19-month-old daughter. I recently separated from my abusive husband and now live with my family.

I'm at my wit's end because my daughter screams and cries all day. I don't know how to control her. It seems abnormal for her to act this way. I'm on the verge of a mental breakdown. She demands so much attention I can't even use the bathroom or take a shower alone.

I want to take my daughter to a psychiatrist, but my family would have a fit. It seems everyone has control over me, including my daughter. She acts like I'm a pushover, which I am.

Abby, do you know of any techniques to calm her down and make her listen to me? –- TIRED AND WORRIED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR TIRED AND WORRIED: You are a mother now. It's time to do what YOU think is right. Take control of your life. Make an appointment today with a pediatrician for an evaluation and ask for a referral to a psychiatrist who specializes in children.

DEAR ABBY: I am 20 years old and in love with a married man I'll call Ben. We work in the same small company. Ben and I were inseparable. We had planned to move in together, but he decided to return to his wife. He said he was sorry, and I should get on with my life.

I see Ben every day. If I don't stop by his desk to talk, he calls me on my extension, acts like I've hurt his feelings, and asks, "Are you mad at me?"

Abby, I don't know what to do. I know he loves me because if he didn't, he would let me get on with my life. –- JILTED IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR JILTED: No, you have it backward. If he loved you, he would not be dragging this out. I hope you realize how fortunate you are to have this self-centered, ego-driven cheater out of your life. Find another job. Get away -- far away -- from this guy, and in the future, avoid men who are married.

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DEAR ABBY: I have a huge problem. My fiance and I have been together for three years and are being married in October. The problem is my soon-to-be mother-in-law. She is a great lady and we get along very well; however, she insists on accompanying us on our honeymoon! She keeps pushing the idea of making it a family trip.

My fiance told her the honeymoon is going to be just for us. He tried to tell her we all could go someplace together another time, but she got upset. She abruptly got off the phone with him, saying she was "only joking," but she'd work on me.

This is a nightmare. She's normally a pleasant and reasonable person whom I like a lot. That's why I don't understand why she can't see this is a huge intrusion.

Please help. I don't want to have to change my honeymoon destination to someplace she may not want to go. –- BRIDE-TO-BE IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR BRIDE-TO-BE: It's not a matter of finding a destination where your future mother-in-law doesn't want to go. This "great lady" seems to have control issues or a serious case of separation anxiety. She's dead set on going wherever her son goes. She could benefit from counseling.

Although I have printed letters in the past from couples who included extended family on their honeymoon –- and a good time was had by all –- unless all parties are equally enthusiastic, it is extremely presumptuous for an in-law to continue to harp on it once the suggestion has been rejected.

Unless you want your marriage to turn into a family affair, you and your fiance must stand your ground.

DEAR ABBY: My daughter is expecting a child soon and plans to use our surname because her husband's name is foreign and could be interpreted to mean something naughty in English. She wants to spare her child the embarrassment of being teased when she gets to school.

There is an uproar over this among the grandparents. Our son-in-law says it's OK with him. Is this now an accepted practice, or is it something new? –- DESPERATE GRANDMA

DEAR GRANDMA: It's something relatively new. It started when women began hyphenating their names and adding them to their husband's. Some husbands also began hyphenating their names to coincide with the wife's.

As your letter proves, there is more than one answer to the question, "What's in a name?" –- pride, tradition, social standing, money or misery, depending on what the name is.

DEAR ABBY: Recently a reader asked if a fifth anniversary was too soon to renew wedding vows. You told her to go for it. I agree with you.

I have a collection of ladies' magazines from the 1930s and '40s. During those uncertain times, it was fashionable to celebrate 50th anniversaries, but they included 50 months, 50 weeks –- or even 50 days!

Bring on the cake and punch! In these uncertain times, any celebration of love, commitment, family, faith, joy or happiness should not be missed! – GAIL A. THOMPSON, LIBERTY MO.

P.S. We were married 30 years last November.

DEAR GAIL: I agree. Belated happy anniversary to you and your lucky husband.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO MY READERS: Thanks to you, writing this column is a love-in every day of the year!

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DEAR ABBY: I am a senior in high school. My mother is married to an alcoholic who periodically gets very drunk and screams unprintable things at me until I'm huddled crying on the floor. He hates me and has threatened to hurt me on at least two occasions. He refuses to get counseling or go to AA. Mom has been present during some of these episodes.

About a year ago, I started dating a guy who is very supportive. Because of the situation at my house, I have started going to his house every day after school and returning as late as possible. Sometimes I tell Mom the truth about where I am; sometimes I tell her I'm working late at school. I am editor in chief of our school paper, so this isn't unusual.

Abby, I know my mother is very hurt by the fact I'm never home. She gets angry and accuses me of avoiding home because I don't want to do chores. How can she say that when she knows how her husband treats me? I am under so much stress my grades are starting to drop. What can I do to make her less upset? How can I spend more time with her before I leave for college? Please help. -– TORN IN NEW ENGLAND

DEAR TORN: Your mother blames your absence on an unwillingness to do household chores because she's in denial about how her husband's drinking and temper have affected you. If she can place blame on you, she won't have to address her failure as a parent to protect you from his abuse.

I see nothing to be gained by lying to her. She bears some of the responsibility for this. Tell her where you're spending your time and why. Explain that your boyfriend's house is a safer place for you because you don't have to fear threats and verbal abuse.

If you want to spend more time with your mother before you leave for college, do it away from the house. An excellent place for both of you to start would be Al-Anon. It is listed in your local phone book. As for your dropping grades, I urge you to find a teacher or counselor at school in whom you can confide. Talking it out will help -– and in one more semester you'll be away from the pressure. I wish you much success.

DEAR ABBY: I enjoyed your annual New Year's piece, "Just for Today," based on the original credo of Al-Anon. Something about the idea of trying each day to be a better person in 2002 prompted me to spontaneously call my long-estranged brother, "Phil." He lives only 30 miles from me, but he's always been millions of miles away emotionally.

Four years my junior, Phil and I never bonded as children. Our father was harsh and rejecting. He was a driven workaholic who never displayed affection, nor did our mother. I married just as Phil graduated from high school. We saw very little of each other after that.

It has come to me in these golden years of my life that inclusiveness is better than exclusiveness, forgiveness is better than resentment, and civil communication is better than silence.

I made the call. We chatted on a somewhat superficial level, but I'm glad I did it. Now if my brother ever wishes to call me, he knows he will get a warm, positive response. Many thanks for the reminder, Abby. –- JOYCE IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR JOYCE: You started the year off right, extending your hand in friendship. Bravo! Whatever will be, will be.

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